To ask why he’s doing this now?

[Enoughnowstop]

Long story short, ex had affair, very difficult divorce, lies upon lies, in and out of court over the children for a couple of years, no maintenance paid in 10 years, 18 months where he cut contact with the children but all has been ok since.

In the early days, he used to deliberately empty the contents of his car into our bins and then use any empty bottle of wine or pizza box as a means by which to accuse me of something. It stopped, things settled, life moved on.

Last year my mum died. When my dad died he behaved appallingly (it’s a long story and caused my family and I untold distress and upset) so I was naturally wary of letting him know of funeral details etc. As the children are now older anyway, I took the opportunity to stop going to the door when he picked them up and effectively all but cut contact with him.

Last few months, the bin thing has started up again. I have actually watched him pull up, search around in his car and then dump the stuff in the bin. He lingers at the bin (I use black bags so there is nothing to see, although the recycling is visible).

So, AIBU’ers what do you reckon is going on?! AIBU to be amused and perturbed all at the same time?!

I would film him a few times and keep them in case it escalates as it will provide the police with more evidence. Maybe a ring doorbell?

@Enoughnowstop my ex said he was "looking for recycling" but I think he was looking for some kind of evidence that he could use against me. It's all about control in the end isn't it. Even if the best thing he can come up with is to dump the crap out of his car into your bin he's still weirdly asserting himself.

It's a form of stalking. He's using the bin dumping as an excuse to search your rubbish and he's also able to harass you and put himself in your head (and remind you that he's "watching" you) when you see his stuff in your bin.

Even though he had an affair and left you, he sees you as belonging to him and likely will never be "over" you they way a normal person would. Just wondering, when your mother died, did she leave you an inheritance and was she a support system to you before she died (your father also)? He may see you as both more valuable and more vulnerable at this time, and wants to ensure his possession isn't getting away.

It's time for a security camera and the police.

I absolutely can't wait for coercive control to become a crime applying to EX partners as well.

Not long now. The bill's going through parliament now. 🤞

Either he suspects you are in a new relationship so wants to find evidence of this, or he no longer is and so he's back to old ways of stalking you because he's bored /it's his weird hobby.

Yes, my dad died during divorce proceedings and he really died hard to find out how much money I had been left. It was really distasteful - because of course it all just went to my mum. Yes, my mum has left me an inheritance. I have deliberately kept it low key with the children and never mentioned numbers - it is a lot of money. He actually had the audacity to ask me if he could have my mum’s house to live in when our youngest was in hospital earlier this year - only chance he’s had at any real contact with me for years. He didn’t even pretend he would pay rent, just flat out asked me if he could live in it. My face must have said it all because he has never mentioned it again!

*tried hard, not died hard! I suspect a bit of Bruce a Willis wouldn’t go amiss right now, however.

I'd have tons of fun with this

If we bear in mind bins are no evidence of anything I'd get hold of loads of alcohol bottles, Condom wrappers, lube, and just fill the bin with everything weird I could think of just to see his face

My ex husband used to empty the rubbish out of his car onto my driveway when he was picking up the kids...it used to make me laugh.

@myusernamewastakenbyme

My ex husband used to empty the rubbish out of his car onto my driveway when he was picking up the kids...it used to make me laugh.

They're just pathetic aren't they

He’s probably rooting to find out inheritance amounts! (as if you’d leave that in the bin!) Put a lock on it.

Has anyone ever worked out why these bastards don't stop and realise that by exerting so much weird control that they end up with no information about anything? Years later this still absolutely baffles me.

Once probate is granted he could find out the inheritance amount anyway. I have been slow at sorting it so that’s probably part of the frustration.

@OhioOhioOhio. Yes, my life is very much a closed book. I work extra hard at not giving him any information whatsoever. I suppose my not coming to the door anymore has been the last straw for him and he’s had to take up bin searching. He’s going to be very disappointed when he realises it really is just rubbish in there!

Why is he so concerned with your inheritance, he won't be entitled to any of it (I hope!)

My controlling ex was a weirdo too. He went through my kitchen bins, my bedroom drawers...god knows what he was looking to find but it was like a last ditch attempt at some hold over me and snoop into my life. It's pathetic.

Locks and if he dares ask why say there's been foxes or possibly some man-vermin getting into them.

You have my sympathy op. It's a inexplicable nightmare.

If he shoves a load of junk that happens to have any identifying stuff on in your bin, can't you report him for fly tipping or something?

I suspect he's looking for paperwork around the inheritance, or he's heard you're seeing someone. It's probably the only way he's now got of checking up on you. He'll pretend to put rubbish in it, so anyone looking thinks he's depositing and not looking.

I also second the idea of either a lock or an alarm. Or you could put up a sign saying cctv in operation.

Or if you fancied some sport, a camera to capture his reaction and some either stupid, scary or random stuff in the bin.

Oh or a mahoosive jack in the 'wheelie bin' could be hilarious (and hopefully give him a heart attack)

Or just ignore it. Honestly it is beyond me, the effort they put in to get our attention when, way back, we were desperate for our attention and they didn't give a shit.

Mine took a dump in my loo every time he collected the kids.
Eventually I called him out on it.
(He had to nurse that turtle 40 miles home to his love nest.)
It's territorial behaviour.

Mine went through my recycling and found a strip of paper from those perforated envelopes as evidence that I was opening his mail. The mail was addressed to the home owner

It's because of the inheritance. Is your divorce sorted financially so he can't claim on future inheritances?

Thanks all, it is good to hear it's not just me.

Yes - divorce was sorted 9 years ago. There is no claim on my inheritance whatsoever. I am sure that irks him; that and not knowing how much it is.

I will keep an eye on it and have ordered a ring doorbell today so I can start recording it. Hopefully if he clocks that I have the 'ring', he'll put a stop to it and that'll be it.