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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to DC contact with father tomorrow?

27 replies

potkettleblock · 21/07/2020 21:55

My DC father and I have been separated for over a year.

There’s a long history of controlling and selfish behaviour which has made life very difficult for me. A whole other thread worth of backstory.

He has now moved out of town and has drastically reduced his contact time with our DC. He is due to pick them up tomorrow eve but will not give me his new address.

AIBU to say no to contact when I don’t know where they would be? I can’t help but think worst case scenario he doesn’t return them and I have to call the police but don’t even have an address for him.

I could do with a break, he’s had them for a total of 48 hours in the last 4 weeks because he’s been ‘busy’. But I just don’t feel comfortable sending them without knowing where they’ll be.

I suspect his reason for not giving the address is so I can’t give it to CMS (he’s not paying the minimum amount so I want to open a case with them) but can’t help but wonder if his motives could be more sinister.

Would you send your DC for contact in this circumstance? I know the rough area but not even sure on the town.

OP posts:
abstractprojection · 21/07/2020 21:58

I have no idea OP I think you need legal advise

Coronabegone · 21/07/2020 21:59

That's tough, but he could give you any old address? How would you know it's the right one anyway?

Do you have genuine fears he'll not bring the children back? Given he's only seem them for 48 hours it doesn't seem like he'll want them full time.

Original poster
potkettleblock · 21/07/2020 22:01

To add, contact isn’t court ordered so I wouldn’t be in breach of any order. I will take legal advice when I can.

I guess I just want opinions on whether it would be morally wrong to say no to tomorrow

OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 21/07/2020 22:02

Have any of your children got smart phones with a 'find my phone' type app?

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/07/2020 22:05

Just take his number plate down off his vehicle. That plus his name and the police will be able to find his address.

MollyBloomYes · 21/07/2020 22:05

^^ thats a good idea. Or the what3words app-doesn't need signal to work. They could send you the words once they arrive and it will pinpoint where they are

Yeahyoureright · 21/07/2020 22:05

I wouldn't let them go without knowing where they are going to be. If there's no court order then don't let them go if you aren't happy

Original poster
potkettleblock · 21/07/2020 22:06

No smartphones, they’re only 6 and 7.

I hadn’t considered that he could give a false address anyway.

His behaviour towards me has escalated recently, he is still angry with me for leaving him and his contact with our DC is the only ‘tool’ he has left to control me. So I could never be sure that he would stick to any agreement about contact.

OP posts:
blackandwhite2020 · 21/07/2020 22:06

Well to be honest I wouldn't let anyone have my children if I didn't trust them, and there are trust issues there because he's hiding something, whatever it is, he's hiding for whatever reason.
However.... he is their father and does have a right to see them obviously, its a tough one OP. You gotta call it on how much you trust him, whether he's not telling you for the reasons that he's saying? X

Shitonthebloodything · 21/07/2020 22:08

No I wouldn’t unless I knew I could use a find my phone type app in case of emergency. It’s completely unreasonable. It’s shaky ground from a legal POV (I think!) but the current climate makes it all the more important that you know where and who they’re with.

Sugartitties · 21/07/2020 22:09

i’ve been in this position op and he also threatened to take them out of the country.

can you find a compromise?

my ex used to come to the house and i’d sit in the car with my eye on the front door!

he locked me out once and i rang the police to meet me at the house. long history of abuse and copies of court orders at the police station. police threatened to get HSE involved and get kids taken so had to walk away. asked them if i could come back and take the children out later, ex husband agreed. went back, got them and went that very day to a women’s refuge and left that bastard.

get legal advice and get court ordered contact sorted out, without it you wont have a leg to stand on. he’s the parent too.

good luck Flowers

Original poster
potkettleblock · 21/07/2020 22:09

Hadn’t thought of the car number plate - thank you.

It’s just difficult sometimes to put my own fears aside and figure out what is best for DC

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 21/07/2020 22:11

I wouldn’t either, but then if he’s neglecting their needs why would he see them?
If you want to know where he lives, Just buy a tracker and you can find out where he lives. It’s very cheap and you can just sew it inside a coat.

Original poster
potkettleblock · 21/07/2020 22:13

Due to previous incidents and police involvement he’s not allowed to enter my home so contact here wouldn’t be an option.

I will hopefully be speaking to a solicitor next week.

OP posts:
user1294625849274 · 21/07/2020 22:14

I don't see how being handed over to an abuser is in any child's best interests.

Thelnebriati · 21/07/2020 22:14

He is due to pick them up tomorrow eve but will not give me his new address.

When ex DH tried this stunt I was told that witholding his address or intentions is unreasonable behaviour.
Contact the DV/Safeguarding unit at your local police and ask them for advice. Remember to tell them there is no court order.

lufcaregoingup · 21/07/2020 22:18

Unfortunately legally he doesn't have to give you his address.

netflixismysidehustle · 21/07/2020 22:21

I would advise you to get a contact order (£210 plus mediation)
Even if he ends up not having the kids regularly, a contact order means that if he kidnaps the children the police will return them to you if it's your time. Without an order, you'd have to go to court and get an emergency order for their return. If you do a search you might find a thread where you can read about the legal process.

I've read on here that some judges wouldn't force him to disclose his address but no idea if that's true.

Original poster
potkettleblock · 21/07/2020 22:24

Thank you. I’ll look into a contact order, I had thought only the NRP could apply but it sounds like something I need to do.

OP posts:
rosiejaune · 21/07/2020 22:25

We went to family court, and the judge made it very clear what separated parents' responsibilities were, and one of them was that they should each know the others' address. She also made it clear that this was not specific to our case, it was a general expectation.

So other than where there is serious domestic abuse and it's not safe for the other person to know where someone is, they should share their address. There may not be a specific law saying so, but it is the default expectation, and if you did end up going to court, you would be given that information.

BumbleBeee69 · 21/07/2020 22:27

Due to previous incidents and police involvement he’s not allowed to enter my home so contact here wouldn’t be an option.

no way OP... get proper legal advice and make him go to court... for supervised contact.. Flowers

averythinline · 22/07/2020 10:17

No I would not let my DC go in your situation... remember he is abusive to you and that means he's abusing the children as well ... he can't be trusted good that your instincts are warning you ... that can be hard ...

Waveysnail · 22/07/2020 10:29

Do the kids have iPads? You can use find my option

Campingintheraintoday · 22/07/2020 10:33

During our divorce and cao I moved. Judge said exh had the right to know where the dc would be.
In your shoes court is the best action. He is abusive and he needs to prove to a judge he is a decent df. Not paying Cms will go against him also.

justchecking1 · 22/07/2020 14:00

I think knowing the address depends on the circumstances. DPs ex had regular form for dropping the kids at my house(despite the fact we didn't even live together permanently), and driving off without even checking anyone was home. DP wasn't even here sometimes.

The judge said we didn't have to give her an address once we moved.