How to get husband to care about things

[Suz08]

Nc to post this. I’ll try and make this short as possible!

I’m really at my lowest point with DH. It’s an accumulation of 12 years and if I was to just talk about one incident then it would sound like nothing but all these “little things” have been building up over so much time. He just doesn’t care about anything or support me in anything. I feel he is the last person I would go to if I have a problem which is really upsetting as it’s not how I pictured my marriage to be like.

I know I need to give examples do I’ll give a few generic ones that don’t identify me too much: It’s things like the neighbours have broken two of our fences (old and now new one), they have splattered paint on our patio when they painted it but he doesn’t ever want me to raise any issues to them. His sisters have been really nasty to me over the years and bully me as he’s the younger one so he puts up with it as in his own words it’s always been this way.

He never stands up to his parents or sisters and expects me to do the same out of respect. His mother is very overbearing and nasty. In 12 years she has not once said happy birthday to me as her excuse is “she forgets” but it’s funny she has never forgotten DH, his sisters and brother in-laws or my kids birthdays! My husband has every excuse for her behaviour. I feel like I’m expected to treat them like family but no one actually treats me like family. I stopped sending birthday cards to his nieces and nephews as I told him it’s his job now as they never send them to my kids ever. MIL noticed when I stopped sending cards but didn’t appreciate I actually sent them for 9 years! She even had a go at me asking why I stopped and when I politely pointed out my kids have never had anything from them not even on their first Xmas or first birthdays she told me to let small things go.

I just wish husband would support me. Obviously there are 100’s of other things he has not supported me and much worse than the ones I’ve written about. I think I know the issues with his siblings as they expect me to just slit into place and put up with his mothers controlling ways as that’s how it’s always been. I don’t know the reasons for not being close to my kids.

I really want to get outside perspective on something else that has bothered me for years: For his 30th birthday I organised a trip for a weekend away just us (no kids at that time) and his mother lost her temper with me and straight out told me I had no right to do this! She wanted a party at home for him to cut a cake (just them, us and siblings family). At the time I told her she can cut the cake the day before it day after and we can come over but she got in a strop and said you cut a birthday cake on the day not before or after! I remember at the time feeling bad and asked husband if he wants to still go away or stay at home and have a party with his mum, his response was “I don’t mind, you choose”.

Was I being unreasonable in taking him away for a weekend? The thing is if MIL had told me she wanted this in advance I would have booked weekend after but the fact she expected ME to go to her first before planning a weekend away with my husband! I wish I had given this more attention at the time

are you desperate for a man?
are you not capable of looking after yourself?

i don't understand why you choose to 'put up' with all this shit.
you can't 'change' him - this is who he is and has been openly showing you all along.

It's YOU who needs to change........

I understand. Mine didn't start off like this but slowly became a monster. I gave up wishing the man I married actually existed. You need to get divorced.

Sounds like a nightmare. None of them will ever change for you.

Thank you for replies

@monkeymonkey2010 - there is no need for comments like this when I am obviously feeling upset enough to post about it

Stop trying to change him and meet him where he is.

You don’t need his permission to talk to the neighbours about paint on the patio, go round and do it yourself! Take control of your life and don’t wait for his validation.

He can deal with his side of the family - it is crazy that you were the one doing cars for MIL when she doesn’t like you.

@MaskingForIt thank you. I agree.

I don't agree. Mine would have used my behaviour as a reason to fight me. Quietly start working out how you can get rid of him and your marriage. Look forward to fixing the fence on your own.

You seem to be wishing a different personality onto him.

You can't make someone care about you.

Sounds like you have distant lodger not a husband. Is that the case?

I agree with @MaskingForIt - you're not going to be able to make him care about things.

It sounds like he's had a lifetime of controlling relationships with his family (or perhaps just his mother) already and you yourself acknowledge that's not how healthy relationships should look.

You can't change him or his relationship with his family. They're not going to morph into the loving family you hoped, and the only bit you can control is how much you involve yourself with them (if at all) and how you react to their nastiness. You can't control how he reacts to them and if you've explained your perspective and he thinks you should join him in complying, you have the choice of saying yes or no to that.

This is how he is, and how his family is. Despite your disappointment, that's what you're working with, so it's either a case of modifying your expectations of them and finding ways to cope with this less-than-perfect situation, or accepting the marriage hasn't worked out the way you'd hoped and moving on.

Ugh, why should you respect his mother, when she's shown you no respect?

I think you need to start making plans to divorce. He's never had your back, you're not a team, and he expects you to just put up and shut up. He's not going to see your side of things, and he's not going to change, so if you don't want to continue like this, you're the one who is going to have to change things.

First thing, stop concerning yourself with the mother and sisters of another person. They're not your family, they're just people. There's absolutely no need to talk to communicate to people who just happen to be related to someone you know. Do not expect 'happy birthdays' from the relatives of this man. They don't see you as family.

Yes, it is his job to send cards and gifts to his family. They're his family.

They sound unrealistically involved in their son's life. I see my in-laws once a year on a sort of courtesy visit, no phone calls, no texts, I do not expect the remotest bit of attention from them. I've never really got the whole desire to adopt a new bunch of strangers and their family drama and weird Oedipal dynamics.

If he does not support you or care about things within your own family and your own home, that's another issue.

My husband never talks to my mother except immediately before handing the landline phone to me after saying "I'll get Tork for you."

If the ILs are mean or bonkers you are allowed to have nothing to do with them. You can be rude to them. It is OK. They are rude to you. Blankety blank them.

Maybe try that first. See if your relationship improves if you start completely 100% behaving as if his family don't even exist. Can you imagine yourself doing that?

He sounds boring. & the things you're 'putting up with' are your own choice - there's nothing you said that stands out as being essential to your life. My DPs mum is a bit of a horror to put it mildly but I really couldn't care less - I don't have deep conversations with her as she's not my kind of person; she's rude and entitled. I only know her because I'm with her son. That's it. So I don't need to hassle DP about whatever way his mum chooses to be. Take your focus off his family and live for you, get an interest/outlet etc. Your H & his family don't need to be your life project

@Suz08 I’m so sorry for your situation it sounds horrible and like you probably married a nice man but things have worsened over time and now you’re taking stock of things and realising how bad it’s got.

Please ignore the unkind comments on here - AIBU is notorious for being blunt but that was ridiculous!

I do agree that this is the end of your marriage unless you think it’s worth the security to put up with all of this. As it has since the beginning, it will only get worse, not better I’m afraid.

I once read something that might be useful to hear: if you’re in a bad relationship, you are two steps away from being in a good one. You have to 1) end the relationship and 2) find a good one. However if you’re single, you only have one step to go. You deserve someone who cares about you and puts you first so it really would be better to be (temporarily) single than carry on like this.

He sounds worn down by a lifetime of being dominated by his mother, and it will take a lot to change that. When it comes to dealing with her, I’d used the fact that she doesn’t like you to your own advantage. Whatever you do or say will be the wrong thing, so why try to please her? Tell her straight, you’re not faffing about with cards for someone who can’t even say the words ‘happy birthday’ - if she wants birthday cards for the nieces and nephews, her adult son can write, buy and send them. You won’t be changing birthday plans because she wants to cut a cake - tough luck. She’ll kick off, but there was no alternative that would have pleased her, so you may as well enjoy the freedom of being candid.

OP I’m afraid I don’t have any advice but I honestly could have written your post. It’s right where I am now. I keep thinking I’d be happier alone, but then I think but they’re only little things. It’s hard. I’m sorry you’re in this situation too.

I doubt you can make him come out of the FOG. I couldn’t tolerate my dh being this mouse like and I certainly wouldn’t put up with his mother, she sounds horrible. You know you can go no contact with her, I doubt your dh would even mention it!

He sounds well trained to avoid conflict and is trying to be 'invisible' so nobody has a go at him. Which is common for people who are abused as children or as adults - they don't want to anything that might draw the attention of somebody who thrives on conflict and dominance.

It's not that he doesn't care, it's that he's terrified of conflict and what will happen as a result. Which is why he's too scared to make any decision and defers to you. Because that's what he's been taught is the only acceptable action - no nothing but what he's ordered.

Thank you everyone for your lovely messages and insightful advice. I’m sorry I’m not responding to each person, I would like to as the responses are really insightful and it’s making me see things in a different light. I do believe he has suffered from trauma as one poster has said, I also do think he has the “invisible child syndrome”. His sisters and mum are bullies and he is very sweet and a nice guy - the main reason I married him!

I think the constant stress his mother puts on me to the perfect DIL adds to my unease and feeling that this is not normal. I do feel guilty for having a go at him for not being the type of man I need. As one poster put it “distant lodger” that’s how I do feel our relationship is at times. I think I need to have more compassion for him and realise it’s not easy suddenly changing your mindset, I think I need to help him get confident in himself. His mother did everything for him. I met him at age 29 and he didn’t even know how to make simple food or use a washing machine! She’s made him completely reliant on him all these years. I do feel awful talking to him the way I do most of the time, even our daily interactions I find myself snapping more and more and that’s not nice for him.

Many posters have suggested I reduce contact with him family - I actually have reduced it massively. I only see them very occasionally now and keep things distant. DH has never spoken to me about this and I don’t think he really cares if I speak to them or don’t. I need to stop thinking of all the crap his mother has done and be happy she’s very rarely in my life now.

Sorry I forgot to add - I think his mother in particular has sone kind of personality disorder which impacts how he responds to problems - examples: she ”forgets” the shorty things she has said or done even if you speak to her at that time she denies it! She’s very convincing, she will start crying and yelling. I didn’t realise this at the start as I would get shocked by her outbursts. I think she’s used this a lot over the years to try and control him.

What you are describing here is very deep set roles and behaviour ingrained over at least 29 years.

It's going to be hard to change those thought processes, and that's if you want to even try. I wouldn't know how to go about it.
The damage over bearing, jealous, nassarcistic mothers can do to family dynamics never ceases to amaze me.

An adult son going away for his birthday with his wife creates anger and resentment because he is not there to cut his cake on the day of his birth. WTAF

Good luck with whatever route you choose. If you can deal with that crap then maybe consider something a bit less demanding, like leading Brexit trade negations or Middle East peace negotiations, for the next couple of years to give yourself a break.