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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think they should have more brains

17 replies

Melonslicexx · 21/07/2020 12:35

I'll try keep it short.

Partners sister works as a doctor. Her husband has an ok job too. But he is the laziest waste of space in regards to family life. They had a child 6 years ago. He never would do the nappies and things. But his laziness expands to he takes a year to put a blind up. He won't cut the grass. He goes to the pub everyday. He eats out on his own all the time. He's obsessed with beer.

I had a child 6 months after she had hers. Partner's mum lived 20 minutes away from us. An hour and half from her daughter. She choose to move to be with her daughter and help her with childcare and housework. My children have had a different experience completely to her child. They've barely seen them over the years. Everything we've ever tried to arrange with them has to be checked through her daughter. If she needs her we can't have them over. If she's on holiday that week we can't invite them out. They dogsit for her. They clean for her. They do childcare for her. We have accepted that's how it is.

Anyhow as coronavirus has kicked off partner's mum stopped cleaning for them and stayed home. Did all the right things. She's not been anywhere other than food shopping. When we were allowed to meet in gardens a few weeks back they came over. As none of us have been anywhere. We've had food delivered etc. We caught up and it was really nice.

We wanted to go out for a morning next week for our wedding anniversary. So his parents kindly said they will join our bubble and watch our kids.

We found out last week she had been to her daughter house to see them. She cleaned their big house last Thursday. Her daughter got sick Saturday. She has been confirmed with coronavirus yesterday. She's not feeling well.

We've told his mum not to come over. But she has to isolate now anyway.

I'm sooooo frustrated with them all. Not because I wanted a day out. But because why why why can't they clean their own house. How can mil be so irresponsible. Why does money make people behave like they can't get their own hands dirty? She works hard in a very important job. But she does less hours than my partner does. She has a husband who is capable of doing things like hoovering.

I'm just annoyed with them all. Not sure if I'm being judgemental? But now we've got to worry for the next week or so in see partner's mum or dad gets sick. Obviously also worried and hope sil is ok and her child and husband don't get sick. But seriously. Why would someone who works directly with it even risk any of it??

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 21/07/2020 12:43

Not because I wanted a day out
Ummm, it does come across that this is exactly the problem. Surely what they do and don't so is their problem, why should it get to you except for the day that it means you don't get the same?

Melonslicexx · 21/07/2020 12:44

Because we care about my partner's mum and dad. That's why.

It's not about the day out. Also if she hadn't shown symptoms they could have brought the virus over to us in a few days!

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 21/07/2020 12:49

Similarly, your kids could have it, be symptom free, and could have passed it on them when they babysat. What's the difference?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 21/07/2020 12:50

Your partners mum is obviously very worried about her dd and grandchild and is helping out where she can because her husband won't.

You do sound really resentful, almost competitive.

Melonslicexx · 21/07/2020 13:00

Considering my kids have not been anywhere since march they won't be carrying it. She works with sick people. She should know that it's dangerous to put her mum and dad at risk for the sake of cleaning.

I'm not competitive because I'm worried that my kids grandma could get sick now. Her husband is 79 and has rubbish lungs.

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 21/07/2020 13:15

Has neither you or your oh been out at all either? Because her coming to your house babysitting was putting her at risk too. Shell be touching things you've touched.

If you cared so much about her health, you would have said no thank you to the babysitting in the first place.

She wants to help her daughter, no one is forcing her to do so.

JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 13:21

Has neither you or your oh been out at all either?

literally what the OP wrote!
As none of us have been anywhere. We've had food delivered etc.

Because her coming to your house babysitting was putting her at risk too.
risk of what exactly?

DrManhattan · 21/07/2020 13:21

I sort of know what you mean. Sometimes parents treat their grown up children very differently. I had this with my brother and sister in law. Thing is there isn't much you can do about it. Its out of your control so let it go. No one said its gonna be fair.

dontdisturbmenow · 21/07/2020 13:24

Yes of course, have not been anywhere at all. Unless they are shielding, it's very hard to believe.

If it really was only about concerns for pil, why even mention the cancelled babysitting part.

thebear1 · 21/07/2020 13:28

Your post is full of judgement but I can understand your frustration at the seeming codependent relationship they have.

HerbieTreetops · 21/07/2020 13:30

Viruses are not a simple matter. We can't go blaming each other for a natural thing
www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/coronavirus-argentina-fishermen-trawler-ushuaia-covid19-echizen-maru-a9621716.html

BigBadVoodooHat · 21/07/2020 13:31

She should know that it's dangerous to put her mum and dad at risk for the sake of cleaning.

I'm not competitive because I'm worried that my kids grandma could get sick now. Her husband is 79 and has rubbish lungs.

Are your PILs not autonomous adults with their own decision-making capabilities? Was your MIL forced to clean their house under duress? Confused

HerbieTreetops · 21/07/2020 13:32

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2130424/

JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 14:02

dontdisturbmenow
Yes of course, have not been anywhere at all. Unless they are shielding, it's very hard to believe. Confused

Why? Where do you expect people to have been?
Schools stayed closed for most children, parents WFH (without school that's not even a choice), food shop being delivered.

I am not sure why anyone would chose to go to a crowded place anyway, so I can't understand what you find so hard to believe.

MsEllany · 21/07/2020 14:11

I think the COVID is a red herring. You feel resentful because your family loses out on a relationship with your in-laws because your SIL has a useless husband.

There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with it being an infuriating “not again!” moment where your family has to compromise or lose out because of the favouritism displayed.

I think this is a natural feeling that I’m not sure is a bad thing considering the circumstances - because what’s the alternative? OP and her husband just give up and stop giving a shit? Sure we all know it’s best not to expend energy on being annoyed about things we can’t change but most of us are human beings not robots.

@Melonslicexx YANBU to be upset by this, by both the cancelled meal out for you, the visit for you and your children, and the possibility of COVID for infirm relatives. I do think you need to take the “don’t give a shit” route a bit though, unless your husband is willing to talk to his sister about her monopolising his mother’s time to the detriment of everyone else because her husband is a lazy twat. That might cause more bad feeling than to just lower your expectations even further though.

Melonslicexx · 21/07/2020 14:12

Milk and more
Asda deliveries
Amazon
School shut
Not seen friends
Not seen family until the last two weeks. That's only my parents garden. They havn't been anywhere either.

What we have done
Walked
Walked in the woods.
Walked by the river
Walked in a field
Last week went to the park. Nobody else was in the play area. We took handgel. Wipes.

Sil. Has worked in a hospital 5 days a week since march.
Her child has been to school and to a child minders.

Ofcourse it's my partner's mums choice. Doesn't mean we stop caring or worrying. I like my in laws. That's why I wish my kids got to spend more time with them. It's not a competitive thing. I wish my children had what the other child had.

OP posts:
Melonslicexx · 21/07/2020 14:19

Thanks to the people who see I just care. I don't want to see any of them come to harm. It upsets me to think of them getting really sick with it. Then they could have brought it to us in a few days if her symptoms were out now. The only reason we were having them around is because we thought we were in a safe bubble. Sets of adults who are currently able to stay home and not go out much. When you bring in people working directly with it it's a whole different issue.

The only person I don't like is the husband. I am actually very fond of my partner's sister. I just wish she didn't have to do such silly things because he wont support her.

OP posts:
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