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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not give ds fruit?

55 replies

Soubriquet · 21/07/2020 09:43

Ds (5) has had an attitude problem lately. We are working hard to snap this out of him

His latest trick is to say he has a tummy ache when he doesn’t want to eat his food.

He tried it this morning and I warned him full out, that if he didn’t eat his breakfast he was getting nothing until dinner time. No snacks, no fruit, nothing,

He agreed and put his cereal in the bin.

Dd came down and asked for crisps which I said no to, but allowed her to have an apple as she had eaten all her breakfast.

Ds just tried to get food out of me but rubbing his belly and looking at me with big puppy eyes.

I’ve refused him anything as he agreed he wouldn’t get anything if he didn’t eat his breakfast. Which he didn’t

He went upstairs in a sulk....

So AIBU to stand firm on not giving him anything even if it’s fruit?

OP posts:

crazychemist · 21/07/2020 10:25

A 5yo won’t starve by lunchtime. Agree with PP that perhaps lunch could coincidentally be a little earlier than usual (obviously without mentioning it) if you feel it’s a long time, but you know your DC and what they can manage.

You’ve said it, so you have to do it. If there’s an attitude problem developing, it’s best to nip it in the bud if you can (which is sounds like you are doing).

If it was a breakfast-specific thing, then it might be worth considering making tea a little earlier or making breakfast a little later (if you think he is genuinely not hungry, my DH and DD are NOT morning people!), but it doesn’t sound like it is this tbh

MintyMabel · 21/07/2020 10:31

Are you sure there isn’t an issue with his tummy, perhaps his tummy does hurt when he eats?

We got DD out of the habit of pretending she was ill by telling her we’d made a doctors appointment for her. Funnily enough she was always fine after that. We pointed out if she pretended all the time, one time she might be really sick and we wouldn’t believe her.

I would stick to your guns on the fruit. Regardless of whether it’s a good idea or not, if you back down on a consequence, the lesson will be clear to him. Mummy doesn’t mean what she says. That stores up trouble.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 21/07/2020 10:43

Good on you, OP. You told him what the consequences would be if he chose that course of action, and if you hadn't stuck to your guns he'd just learn that your warnings mean sod all.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/07/2020 10:45

Withholding food should never be used as a punishment.

I don't think battles over eating, not eating etc ever end well and can leave a lasting mark on eating habits and mental health.

RB68 · 21/07/2020 10:45

Well I must be the meanest Mum - I would have told my daughter to go and sit on the toilet for 10 minutes if she had tummy ache as she must need a poo ha ha ha - and yes I would have "known" what she was up to

Original poster

Soubriquet · 21/07/2020 10:47

Considering he was bouncing around the second he binned his breakfast, im sure his tummy isn’t actually hurting

OP posts:

Spam88 · 21/07/2020 10:48

I think you need to stick to your guns on this today now, but I don't think it was the right action to take. I'm a recent convert to 'getting the little blighters to eat' - you decide what and when to serve, they decide whether to eat it. No threats or bribes to get them to eat, if he doesn't want to eat something then just say "that's ok, it's up to you if you eat it or not". Next snack or meal gets given at the usual time regardless of what happened at the previous meal time. If he asks for food inbetween just say "it's not snack/dinner/tea time yet".

Ponoka7 · 21/07/2020 10:52

If he is doing it to get crisps etc, then come down hard on it.

My DD never ate breakfast, occasionally she would have two sausages or two bits of bacon. She still isn't one for carbs, now she's an adult. Her first food is never before 2pm. I think we should let them go with their natural eating patterns.

Would he have eaten toast? Cereal isn't necessarily any better. We've just been made to think it's a good breakfast option and it can fit in with a lower budget.

Would he prefer a later breakfast? Children get a break in school and they now allow food. Not everyone wants food at the times we are trained to eat and we do train ourselves into these eating patterns.

MaskingForIt · 21/07/2020 10:54

It’s when he says he’s hungry and then won’t eat his breakfast and chucking it in the bin before asking not one hour later for more food

Why put his breakfast in the bin? Put it in the fridge and he can eat it later once he’s got over whatever his issue is.

DillyDilly · 21/07/2020 10:56

I think you were wrong to say no food until lunchtime, withholding food as punishment is not good. Especially if he didn’t eat breakfast, from last night until lunchtime is too long to go without food.

Either give him fruit now or have a very early lunch. Maybe offer him a choice for breakfast going forward or maybe he’s like one of my children who needs yo be up and about for an hour before eating breakfast. I’ve another sup liked to eat first thing.

OhCaptain · 21/07/2020 11:01

It's not withholding food as a punishment though, it's making him stick to his choices and see that there are consequences.

@Soubriquet my dd feigned tummy ache for ages. One day I picked her up from school and took her to the doctor. It cost me €50 to be told there was nothing wrong with her (I knew this.)

She nearly died when I mentioned the GP but it snapped her out of it. It was a weird attention thing, I think. Middle child and all that. Plus she's just that way inclined.

She spent a good while working off her €50! And the tummy aches miraculously disappeared...

melj1213 · 21/07/2020 11:03

Yanbu - a 5yr old is not going to starve if he has to wait between breakfast and lunch without a snack.

If he keeps complaining about tummy aches then a tactic I found worked with my DD when she was little was that if she didnt eat breakfast we had to determine whether she was sick or well. DD always gets a choice of two breakfast options (toast or cereal, cereal or fruit and yoghurt, bagels or porridge etc) so she can't just say "I dont like it" because she chose which breakfast she had and was expected to eat at least something.

If she was well and didnt eat all of her breakfast because she just wasn't hungry then that was fine but fruit would be the only snack choice until lunch. We would then go about our day as normal. If she was "sick" then she could skip breakfast but then she couldn't go and run around as usual, she would have to stay in bed or on the sofa doing a quiet activity such as reading or a puzzle and then the rest of the days meals would be very plain food that wouldnt upset her tummy ache.

On days when she was faking it she would suddenly "get better" when she realised she wouldnt get to do anything fun, and I know when she is genuinely unwell because she willingly goes back to bed/stays on the sofa with a book - which she never normally does as shes a very active child.

Kaiserin · 21/07/2020 11:04

I think that's the right approach as a one-off "testing boundaries" situation.
You could offer something really boring like a glass of water and a rice cracker. But (as long as the consequences were made clear when the breakfast was binned, and you gave him one last chance to rethink his position at that time) just water till dinner (lunch) time sounds ok as well.

If it became a regular pattern of behaviour, you may want to rethink your approach and tackle the issue from a different angle.

MaskingForIt · 21/07/2020 11:06

Cereal isn't necessarily any better. We've just been made to think it's a good breakfast option and it can fit in with a lower budget.

@Ponoka7
Do you find cereal cheaper? I generally think toast is the cheapest option, with most cereals being more expensive, and Kelloggs/other branded cereals costing a fortune. Porridge is probably the exception.

zingally · 21/07/2020 11:12

YANBU.

Being a bit hungry for 3 or 4 hours won't kill him. He's old enough to see the relationship between the two things - not eating breakfast and being hungry.

Frankly it's good to see someone on here not afraid to play their little darlings at their own game! Stick to your guns OP!

GrumpyHoonMain · 21/07/2020 11:19

@MaskingForIt

>Cereal isn't necessarily any better. We've just been made to think it's a good breakfast option and it can fit in with a lower budget.

@Ponoka7
Do you find cereal cheaper? I generally think toast is the cheapest option, with most cereals being more expensive, and Kelloggs/other branded cereals costing a fortune. Porridge is probably the exception.

Wholemeal / wholewheat Atta is probably the cheapest in terms of cereals that have some goodness in them. Can cook it like porridge but it’s often a lot cheaper than oats depending on the brand (I bought a 10kg bag of atta for £3 last night).

2bazookas · 21/07/2020 11:19

You made a stupid threat/bargain and were called on it.

Now you have to decide who's going to learn which lesson.

Option A

You stick to your guns, and DS learns that when you put your foot down you really mean it.

Option B

You give in, DS learns to ignore your threats or conditions

Option C

You learn never to make a heat-of-the-moment threat or condition to children unless you're really really going to carry it out .

PaganOfTheGoodTimes · 21/07/2020 11:31

YANBU. Being hungry is not the worst thing in the world - in fact I suspect more of us could do with feeling it more often - I certainly could! My daughter tried this recently. A tummy ache that meant she didn’t want her dinner - fine, but strangely didn’t affect her appetite for pudding. I held firm and she hasn’t tried it again.

And to the PP whose DC has a headache - be very sympathetic to the DC - headaches mean a lie down in your room here with lights off, no telly, no reading, no electronics, don’t want to make the headache worse - we don’t seem to suffer with headaches often!

SqidgeBum · 21/07/2020 11:34

YANBU. You said something, so you follow through. Snacks dont replace meals. Meals are more important than snacks. I would do the same thing as you and let him be hungry. If he thinks he can just say no to breakfast and you will give him other food throughout the day then you start on that spiral of refusing to eat at meal times.

MinesAPintOfTea · 21/07/2020 11:47

I'd be offering toast as a choice in the future: lots of milk on cereal would lead to genuine stomach aches here. And keep the food to offer again 30 mins later...

Elsa8 · 21/07/2020 11:53

YANBU. I’d have kept it so he could eat it later though if he chose before lunchtime.

UnfinishedSymphon · 21/07/2020 11:57

@2bazookas

You made a stupid threat/bargain and were called on it.

Now you have to decide who's going to learn which lesson.

Option A

You stick to your guns, and DS learns that when you put your foot down you really mean it.

Option B

You give in, DS learns to ignore your threats or conditions

Option C

You learn never to make a heat-of-the-moment threat or condition to children unless you're really really going to carry it out .

Utter rubbish, he asked for breakfast, he got breakfast and chose not to eat it. OP told him he wouldn't get anything until lunch and he chose to bin his breakfast. A couple of hours with no food won't harm him, there was never this snacking culture when we were kids - 3 meals a day and that was it, we didn't go hungry

CircleofWillis · 21/07/2020 12:00

As POs have suggested, I would keep the cereal and offer him that to eat if he becomes hungry before lunch. (If it is soggy with milk, just give him a fresh bowl).

ComputersaysRAVE · 21/07/2020 12:04

Gets very tiring when people just project their own experiences without reading the op

HE CHOSE HIS OWN BREAKFAST AND THE TIME HE ATE IT, HE DIDNT WANT IT , YOU CANT KEEP CEREAL AS ITS GO TO MUSH (WHO THE HELL DOES THAT??)

if you genuinely think hes testing boundaries then stick to your guns.

If you think this could negatively impact him towards food then maybe have a proper chat about it and ask why it hurts / when

He might be anxious etc

NavyBerry · 21/07/2020 12:09

YNBU, fair enough

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