Will my kids be unhappy if I start dating again?

[Sadlady92]

Hi all. I am a mum of a 4yr old and 20mnth old. My husband and I are in the process of getting divorced. I was utterly heartbroken and I am not ready to date yet, but I also don't want to be on my own forever. Growing up my mum had many different partners and I hated it, she would have them over in the evenings and get drunk with them and sometimes I would hear them having sex. This started from the age of 5 until I left home at 16. I was genuinely traumatised by it and it ruined my childhood. Will my children feel the same way if I eventually date again? :( Obviously I would never behave like my mother did but I worry about this so much.

You are aware women date post kids all the time?

Key thing is you've recognised the pattern of behavior your mother showed which caused you trauma and said you won't do that.

There is a difference between dating and dating many men and letting your kids hear you having sex

Presumably even your children won't know how they'll feel about it until it actaully happens and there's no guarantee that they will both feel the same.

This is an unanswerable question and even if posters tell you how they or their children feel they aren't your children

Take your time, no need to rush anything. When your ready and meet someone take it slowly, keep the kids separate for as long as you feel is right then gradually introduce everyone.

You have two very young kids, I personally think you are worrying about this too soon and you arent even separated as yet. You should settle into a new family unit once you have separated, ensure that your kids are well settled and have a secure relationship with both you and your ex before bringing other people into this.
I have a 4yo myself who is very aware of who mum and dad are so I think it would be too upsetting and confusing this early on.

Having been through similar as a child, it’s not something I would repeat either.

I think my close friend has found a good balance, she dates unbeknown to the children so they aren’t involved but doesn’t miss out on a relationship if she wants one.

By not introducing them in tge first year and not moving in together till a year after that you would probably weed out a lot of these fuckers before your children even know that you are seeing someone.

By not introducing them in tge first year and not moving in together till a year after that you would probably weed out a lot of these fuckers before your children even know that you are seeing someone.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Having been through similar as a child, it’s not something I would repeat either.

I think my close friend has found a good balance, she dates unbeknown to the children so they aren’t involved but doesn’t miss out on a relationship if she wants one.

I agree with this completely. Post divorce, your social/dating life is really not your dc's business. If you're going out then you're "going out", if they ask who then it's "with friends".

No one needs to come back to yours whilst the dc are there, I'm sure they'll be at dad's a couple of weekends a month

OP you know yourself that you wouldn't behave in the way your own mother did.

You are absolutely allowed your own life and to date in the future. My DC are 7 and 5 and I've been separated from their DF for 2 years now. I've been on dates lots in this time, and was dating one person for around six months last year. I honestly believe it makes me a better mother to them, that I also consider my own needs. It makes me happier, and they need a mother who is happy, and with a life of my own away from being their mum.

My DC are young and obviously don't know about my dates. No one has ever been introduced to them. The vast majority of people I've been on dates with I've only seen one time. The person I was seeing for six months was a nice person but I didn't want to introduce them to him as it was way too early and I didn't think it was going to go anywhere.

Just be cautious and sensible, take your time, keep that part of your life completely separate from your DC until you're confident that the relationship is going somewhere. One day your DC will be grown up with their own lives and I don't think you should put your own life on hold all of that time.

Thanks for the responses. Just to add, I would never introduce my children to anyone quickly. It would be a looooong time before that happened. As I said, not looking to date yet but in the future, hopefully

Your children won't feel the same way if you don't behave in the same way.

It is perfectly possible to date discretely, and keep your dates away from your children so they don't have to experience what you did