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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my teenagers to put it differently?

19 replies

nolovelost · 20/07/2020 16:16

My teens love being at their dad's, they are always enthusiastic to go. When it's time to come back here, they text asking when I want them back like they're only doing it for me! Sometimes their stay gets longer and longer.

Their dad is on furlough and they always stay longer in the hols than term time anyway.

I'd love them to seem really happy that they're coming back here. I'm trying not to let it bother me and teens don't really think do they?

They are closer to their dad, I appreciate that, although we do have a close relationship.

I'd love to explain how it makes me feel but don't want to push them away.

I don't know what to reply! I don't want to force them back, but at the same time I want them to be happy to come back but show it too!

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 20/07/2020 16:19

There's not much you can do really, I would try to bite my tongue, kids go through phases, dad is flavor of the month right now

JulyBreeze · 20/07/2020 16:22

Really tricky OP, feel for you. How old and boys/girls?

Original poster
nolovelost · 20/07/2020 16:24

Thanks, so say something like "come home when you want" ? I'm trying to be a bit less dependant and needy.

OP posts:
Original poster
nolovelost · 20/07/2020 16:31

or "when do you want to come home?"

OP posts:
dancemom · 20/07/2020 16:31

It's hard but it's lovely they have 2 happy homes so yes, I'd go with that reply and try and enjoy the peace and quiet.

minisoksmakehardwork · 20/07/2020 16:40

Do they have their own key to your place?

I'd go with along the lines of to come back when they're ready but can they let you know a little beforehand so you can make sure you've got enough in for dinner or whatever.

It gives them the flexibility of returning home when they want but with a heads up to you that they'll be home on, eg Friday teatime.

Maybe find something to do that you enjoy while the teens aren't at home, so you're occupying that time without having a gaping void caused by a quiet house. That way you could also tell them 'I'm doing X but feel free to come home when you're ready'.

Original poster
nolovelost · 20/07/2020 16:44

@dancemom "come home when you want" or "when do you want to come home?" which one?

Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 20/07/2020 16:52

I would just tell them to come home whenever and that you look forward to seeing them!

gutentag1 · 20/07/2020 16:53

Keep it breezy "Whenever you want, just let me know a day or two before and I'll get some food in"

Original poster
nolovelost · 20/07/2020 16:56

@Josette77 thanks.

@gutentag1 they've recently been coming back on a Monday so saying that will sound a bit odd but thank you. I do need to be breezy though....

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 20/07/2020 16:56

Hmm. Id be more inclined to say something like, 'I'm always delighted to see you and today whatever works for you works for me too.' I'd then slowly start to include other prerequisite information like, 'I'm going out with a friend on Friday so Thursday would work best for me.'

RedOasis · 20/07/2020 16:59

Say it would be nice to see you, I am your mum! And leave it at that

Toptotoeunicolour · 20/07/2020 17:06

I have teenagers and do find that they take my love a bit for granted, but I think the best strategy is to take the high road with stuff like this because they have no clue that you are hurt, don't need the burden of knowing that and it could get complicated if you let them know. When they are older they will appreciate that you conducted yourself selflessly.

Original poster
nolovelost · 20/07/2020 17:09

@Toptotoeunicolour thank you, that sounds sensible and makes sense. My eldest is very bright and intuitive (even though doesn't think sometimes, if that makes sense?!!!) so agree it could get complicated.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 20/07/2020 17:22

You say ' come back when you are ready '
Even though you miss them and want them home really. You need as others have said to take the high road and never let them know as you will only make them feel guilty for going in the first place. Be bright and breezy and happy for them even if you do not feel it inside. And yes I have been there.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/07/2020 17:25

Thanks, so say something like "come home when you want" ? I'm trying to be a bit less dependant and needy.

Yeah exactly, you're their mother, they will always need and want you around too, enjoy the time to yourself Flowers

Original poster
nolovelost · 20/07/2020 17:28

Thank you, much appreciated X

OP posts:
FourPlasticRings · 20/07/2020 17:28

If I wanted them back, I'd say, 'Whenever you want, but I'm ordering takeout for tea, delivery around 7. Let me know if you'll be home in time for it so I can order you something.'

Otherwise just, 'Whenever you're ready. Looking forward to seeing you. Smile' Or similar.

Chamomileteaplease · 20/07/2020 17:31

Are you talking about time of day or which actual day?

If you mean time, I wouldn't mess about just say, I'd like you back by 6pm please. Then it's unemotional, just factual and answering their question.

Same for day, just say what you want - back on Tuesday please. But hopefully you have set days anyway?

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