AIBU - asking to give me birthday present this year ?

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Hi all

Hope you are all well and safe.

My dilemma this year is that I am asking my husband not to give me a birthday present.

To give you some background, I was pregnant this year for our first baby, and we lost him at nearly 6 months pregnancy. I have since gone depressed, picked myself up - a lot thanks for husband's hardwork and persistence in getting me back to normal routine life. I could not do it without him.

My birthday is in 4 days, and I feel very strongly about not wanting to celebrate. He agrees with that. However, he has asked me which presented I wanted, and I said to him I don't want any present this year. I said, we can do something instead, like an activity - stroll by sea, fishing, cycling - something but no present.

It's probably the way I said, he thinks, its a punishment not giving a present and I don't know how to explain this to him or should I just give in and accept a present.

When I insisted as part of the conversation, he said then don't buy a present either this year, either christmas or his birthday. I said that's fine, and we'll only do it this year. I saw him upset, and I did not like that.

so asking 1. How can I explain this without hurting him more ?

1. Should i agree to present ?

P.s i don't even know which present but knowing him, he usually buys very expensive presents.

Thanks for your replies in advance.

Sorry for your loss OP. That must have been very difficult for you both and it's understandable that you may not want to celebrate this year.

It might sound quite selfish, but sometimes people give gifts because it makes them feel good too. It's not always about the person receiving it, but the act of giving and how doing something for another person makes them feel.

If he's the kind of person that finds happiness in doing something for others, giving you a gift may be almost therapeutic for him by giving him something to focus on. Especially at the moment. I can only imagine that he feels quite helpless and perhaps vulnerable too. Could this be why he's not taken it too well?

If you really do not want a gift, I would speak to him and explain that you understand that he just wants to do something nice for you and you don't mean to be dismissive of that. It's just that you don't want to forever attribute a particular gift to such a painful time in your life. You don't want to look back on the gift in years to come and be reminded that this is what you were given at such a hard time. Hopefully he will understand that and you can enjoy a nice day together instead.

Thanks Annie, it makes sense. Thank you for being a such a compassionate person.

Ps my title is incorrect ! Oh mistakes, should read not give presents.

Hi op,I'm very sorry for your loss,no words can take away your pain I know.
I would agree to an exchange on birthdays and Christmas of a small gift to each other to acknowledge your love and togetherness coming through this awful time.
Because you have seen it means so much to him,receiving a small token of his love and commitment to you will hopefully not be too hard.

If you don't want a lasting reminder of a bad year, maybe suggest that he could give you a not-too-extravagant bouquet of flowers? Like a lovely bunch of garden roses?

How about donating the money that would have been for presents to a charity?
I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope your birthday isn't too hard.

Sponsor a tree (or something along those lines) eg Woodland Trust. He gets to buy something and you get to feel the world is slightly better. (Or, you get to ignore the "gift" because the tree will be in a forest, miles away. He can pay to sponsor as many as he likes and it won't impact your everyday life.) I'm so sorry for your loss. x

Thank you all for responding. I have explained and all resolved. Your responses were very helpful and eye opening :)

Have a love rest of day x

Hi op.
Sorry for your loss, my husband and I went through a very similar situation last year, we lost our little one six months into the pregnancy. It was also my birthday three months after we lost her, I felt very similar about celebrating and presents etc, we ended up booking a last minute break over my birthday, not as a birthday present but for both us to get away and have some quality time together without others fussing over us, it worked really well, we both relaxed and I didn't have presents / cards etc (obs my family gave me cards etc when we got back)

Could you maybe go for a nice stroll (seaside somewhere like that) and he could maybe buy the both of you a nice lunch then it might make him feel like he's giving you a treat?

Xx

Thank you for responses. We didn’t do gift in the end, which I felt was ok as I didn’t want to. We went for a walk and look around the shops.

Sadly, we ended in an argument because if a silly thing on where we could grab a bite as most places are takeaway only, and no seating, and eventually when we came back the queue was so long that we just got some chocolates and stood and ate those.

I am stupid and you will see why. While eating the chocolate as I was doing calorie count I said looks like I will need counselling. Now, the thing is I know I do need some level of counselling. But I should not have said it then. Now, DH is really upset because I said I need counselling.

Why is life so complicated sometimes.. I still have to ask him why is he upset because I used the word counselling...

I feel like a stupid bringing this subject up on our day out, but I am also stupified on DH reaction to it.

I am so sorry for your loss xx it Feels so hard for me and a long road to travel x

Appreciate you taking the time to reply to me x

OP I am so so sorry for your loss. You need to grieve and your DH doesn't sound like he understands that. I agree counselling is a good idea. It doesn't mean your DH isn't good enough, maybe he thinks he is letting you down. But you can only deal with your own feelings, you aren't responsible for how he feels.

I lost my first at 22 weeks. I am so so sorry for your loss.
I was terribly depressed for a long time and ended up getting quite ill.

If I could do any thing differently I would've been kinder to myself afterwards. I'm so so sorry.

Hi roxfox I am soo sorry hugs to you. I would like to tone down a bit on my emotions, and try to live normally. But every small hurdle or times when I have to explain myself or someone not understanding is tough or becomes tougher.

It’s wrong to feel like the world has to revolve around me but I just feel very difficult to come back to normality. I feel like I am not the same person anymore.

I used to be laid but now I feel I cannot bend for anyone. It’s too much to ask myself and feel like best I am left alone so I don’t have to battle these extra pieces which I don’t actually have en very for.

I don’t know much but I think and I feel this is depression, and hopefully counselling would help me.

DH thinks counselling would not help, his ex-gf apparently went for counselling and she turned into a complete wreck after counselling, whic led to their break up.