partner and covid ward closing

[boomshakalika]

My partner is a nurse. He was deployed onto a covid ward in April and he moved out whilst working on it to reduce our risk as i have underlying health poblems..

We rented another flat for 3 months from April (which I paid for). The guy we rented from was really flexible with a rolling weekly lease so we could end the rental with just 1 weeks notice.

It was grim without my partner. I was seconded to a new role at the beginning of March, working with the Scottish Govt on emergency planning so it was full on even before he went. i am classed as a category 2 keyworker, the same as him. He knew how tough my job was with long long days, sometimes from 6am - 11pm. Even before he went, I was burnt out.

We didn't see him for those 3 months. On his days off, he stayed away. He did call once a day and at the start, he video called our kids but he is rubbish on the phone, never mind on WhatsApp. He would sit pretty silent and kinda just expect them to chat to him. The kids didn't really enjoy it and very often he called when I was trying to put them to bed. not great timing. The video calls ended after about 4 weeks as he didn't see the point. Our kids cried alot missing him and wanting him home. He knew this.

I didn't want to put pressure on him as I knew his job was tough and distressing.

I managed all the kids homeschooling myself, downloading, printing and uploading etc. I did ask if he could download all the kids worksheets and email them to me to save time but he could never quite get the hang of the apps so I took over and did it all. He did not do a thing and when I asked if he could try and he said he was too tired and stressed. I was getting by on about 5 hours sleep a night for all of lockdown so also tired and stressed but it had to be done.

I can honestly say it was a pretty awful time for the kids and me. Most days we never got outside and with living in a top floor flat with no garden, it was v hard on the kids.
He knew how hard it was. I told him and cried frequently on the phone missing him and wishing he was back home safe.

It was brilliant when the covid ward closed and I was so relieved he wasn't there, with such high risk exposure but back to his old ward. It also meant he could come home.

I tried to be supportive and understanding that his work was awful. My work has been pretty harrowing as the area I have been working on has dealt with some v v tough stuff and at a really high level. I felt the pressure at alot of the responsibility eg to ensure food supply lines and PPE distribution etc.

I know he saw so terrible things so upon his return, I have still carried the majority of the household tasks etc to give hi a chance to recover. He gets alot of time when not working to chill and read. I am still working crazy hours and still trying to entertain the kids. I am the end of all energy reserves.

He was working today and I rang his usual ward to pass on an urgent message from his family. I spoke with his ward sister whom I have known for a while. I was saying I was so glad that the covid ward was recently shut. She told me that it actually closed over a month ago and that my partner told her he was going to make the most of the peace and solitude to stay on longer. He even took annual leave in that time without telling me so had a couple of weeks of no work. annual leave that is needed to cover childcare when the kids go back to school and forthcoming school holidays ot the end of he year. this was all arranged by us, he now doesnt have enough tot cover. She was laughing that he told them all that he was in no real rush to get back to home schooling and entertaining the kids whilst I worked and loved the chance to read, go for long walks alone and generally chill.

I am livid. He let me cry on the phone, cope with everything here with zero input from him, manage everything when he could have been back sooner. I did not have a single day off in that time, very often working 7 days a week. He choose to lie and pretend he was still on that ward and couldn't come home any earlier. I was paying his rent too!! He pretended on the phone that he was working.

He was meant to be home tonight straight after his shift but let me know earlier (before I rang the ward) that he was going to meet a friend after work to have a few beers in his garden to unwind and catch up. earlier today i didnt mind, again thinking that he needed the time to switch off.

I will admit I am now resentful at this as I have been managing the kids on my own all weekend as well as finish off 2 major urgent work projects. He knows I have a tough week coming up and won't get a chance to unwind and catch up with any of my friends for about another 2 weeks at least.

AIBU to think he has taken the absolute mickey with having an extra month away, half of it on holiday whilst lying to me?

Oh, OP, that takes some beating. I'm gobsmacked. Poor you, and poor your DC. Now steel yourself for the inevitable grovelling and stick to your guns. Wishing you courage and the coolness of a cucumber.

In a similar vein, but not under such extreme circumstances, this is what my now ex-H did to me when he started his affair. Off having fancy dinners and nights away, whilst lying to me how busy he was with this project and that project. I kept house running, DC on track for school, work. Even offering to buy the (perhaps fictitious hard working ) team Xmas gifts to say thank you for all the work and effort. When I found out the truth it was the lies and betrayal of our joint family unit that absolutely nailed me. It is callous and calculating. I am so sorry - he just doesnt value you. I would totally bin him off.

And agree with the posters who say that he will spend all of tonight devising ways to make you the villain. Do not be blindsided by him talking bollocks about the 'sacrifices he made' staying away from home. the 'stress' that he didn't want to inflict on you and the 'hurt he felt' that the children didn't make more effort on the calls... I guarantee he will not admit to being a selfish cunt, but will try to maintain his hero status.

Hang in there OP.

Unfortunately, you're right. What he did was inadvertently teach you to cope without him. And if someone is willing to let you struggle on by yourself (while costing you extra rent money) then what is actually the point of him. Let him carry on enjoying those quiet walks and lie ins. At least if he has the children every other weekend, you might actually get a break.

Yes it’s a double life. Simple as that.

The fact he’s having a jolly old laugh about it with his colleagues suggests he’s pretty confident of pulling it off.

Whether there’s another woman, or some hired entertainment, who knows. Maybe he does just like to “read and chill”... either way he’s made a mockery of your partnership and if you let him back through the door after this, well, you can only expect more of the same from him.

If he cared about you and your life as a family he simply would not have done it.

I would be furious. How disrespectful. What's his excuse? What's his plan to cover school leave now? That's his problem to sort.

@TheMurk

It really bugs me when people chuck out a “ptsd” or a “depression” to excuse horrendous behaviour.

You can struggle with serious mental health issues and still manage not be an utter cunt.

This.

Good luck op

Honestly, I'd be tempted to tell him to not bother coming back at all.

I'd be furious!!! You've survived for this long without him. Make it a long term thing!! Xx

@TheMurk, mental health doesn't excuse his behaviour but it might explain irrational/selfish thought processes.

My normally attentive DH turned into a walking pit of self-pity and did quite a few very stupid things that put our financial security at risk right before having a complete breakdown, he couldn't see the issue at all until he literally collapsed under the strain of depression.

It's been discussed already that frontline Covid workers are at risk of trauma associated disorders due to the sudden intensity of it all. This is completely unprecedented.

With that said, I would struggle to deal with this personally as I can't stand liars!

The lying shit.

I'd bin him off. He's no partner or friend. You deserve more.

That’s a very high level, well thought out, long term deception. It’s not like one little white lie. I would consider this a deal breaker for my marriage.

Coming out of lurkdom to just say this is by far one of the most awful things i have read on here in a long time, im gobsmacked. I could never ever forgive him for this. I cannot imagine what kind of selfish arsehole it takes to listen to yiur wife struggle and cry keeping everything going by herself, sitting in a flat they are paying for whilst i lie around and enjoy a couple of weeks off. Its completely unforgivable.

@Bigbuurrrd

Coming out of lurkdom to just say this is by far one of the most awful things i have read on here in a long time, im gobsmacked. I could never ever forgive him for this. I cannot imagine what kind of selfish arsehole it takes to listen to yiur wife struggle and cry keeping everything going by herself, sitting in a flat they are paying for whilst i lie around and enjoy a couple of weeks off. Its completely unforgivable.

Not to mention, making his kids cry.

I am clapping for you OP. I am also raging for you. He is a manchild selfish fuckwit. You know this. No court in the land would convict you for burying him under a patio right now and he should be very grateful you haven't Pauline Fowlered him with a frying pan!
Not on the same level but my partner once had me take our kids to my family (3 of them; 1 with SEN, on two plane flights) so he could 'finish a project'. I then discovered he had spent most of the fortnight watching box sets, chatting on forums and having Him time/days of nothing a la Office Space. I was not impressed. He did similar on two other occasions - one when he point blank lied to me on the phone that he had completed chores when he had done sweet fuck all, another time using me taking kids swimming for 6 hours to complete a deadline he had as opposed to a deadline we had.
You feel used, deceived, gaslighted and not cherished. His needs do not and should not trump yours. In my case, it just caused resentment and the idea that his sleep was more important drove me up the wall.
The only thing I would say is that separating/divorcing might play into his hands further in terms of abdicating responsibility/being a cop-out father. Unless you know for a fact he would take them on weekends and responsibly then he gets away with even more - in your shoes right now I would be putting him in charge of the kids at all times when not working, zero him time and would re-rent that flat for you to escape to. Do exactly to him what he did to you. The reason he thinks you won't is because often women are the primary caregivers and they bank on us a) being that and b) caring about our children's feelings more.
I would explain to the kids they had you for 3 months, now they are having quality time with daddy (ha fucking ha) and you take yourself away love. Much love, courage and strength to you. I am sorry you are married to a knob.

I’m so sorry OP, your partner is a shit. This would be a deal-breaker for me - the lying and the uncaring behaviour, and letting you go through all that. What a bastard. You’ve proved you can survive without him through a really shitty time, I think you can survive without him permanently.

Hope you're doing OK OP. I've been thinking about you because I do really think what you've shared is so shocking, really. To not care to that extent, to see your children crying for you and not see them out of choice is so awful.

Although go that woman, who told you. She (and probably everyone else there) clearly thinks he's a massive shit and that you deserved to know the truth.

I hope you have a good sleep and wake up feeling strong and with the righteous anger you're bound to feel tomorrow. Take care OP

(I am no longer with mine. Not sure if, when or how we will reunite or tbh when I relect on some of the above if I'd want to. 20 years of pisstaking takes its toll, fool me twice etc). He once admitted to me, when Sean Lock did some stand-up about it, that he had been that guy...the one sat in his car for another 20 minutes stereo etc before coming into harried knackered wife with screaming ebf baby. Bottom line - lone parenting is bloody tough but at least you don't have an extra child who is meant to be your partner. And breathe.

reflect

That is unforgivable, I couldnt get past this.

My first instinct was not to believe this was possible but then I remembered the story my mother told me several times of my grandfather pulling almost exactly the same stunt on my grandmother (national emergency, “forced separation”, turned out that he hadn’t actually been required and had been voluntarily staying away and enjoying bachelor life while she struggled through extremely difficult circumstances as a lone parent). My grandmother didn’t leave him when she found out, because this was the nineteen fifties and it would have been extremely difficult for all sorts of reasons, but my mother didn’t forgive him for his selfishness until the day she died.

I'm late to the party, but change the locks.
Fuck that arsehole off. Hes spoken quite loudly. He doesnt give a shit about you or your kids and you all deserve better

It reminds me of the shitty John O'Farrell novel The best a man can get.
I hated that book.
www.theguardian.com/books/2000/oct/22/fiction.reviews2
Supposed to feel sorry for a 'Lad Dad'. Hell no!!!

Lots of people have that little dream of ditching the family for a week and just having a break from all of the responsibility. Personally, it’s a little fantasy I have when life is hard. I wouldn’t actually do it though!

OP you sound pretty understanding and I suspect if he had explained that he felt like he was at the limit, you would have given him your blessing to take some time to take a breath.

It’s the lies and the impact on the children which would hurt me the most. I truly hope you’re ok.

Honestly, I think you should consider how you could get over this if you tried to forgive him.

You are also a key worker. You have patented, home schooled and been a keyworker throughout the pandemic.

You and the children have cried because you've wanted him close to you.
Meanwhile he has lied to you and abandoned you in a time of need.. we are in a pandemic, and he chose to spend a month away glad that he didnt need to act like a family man or a partner.
He took annual leave knowing that it would shoot you and his children in the foot.

I could not forgive him for that. If you can, then you're a better woman than me. I just cant see how he could be held in any esteem after this.