partner and covid ward closing

[boomshakalika]

My partner is a nurse. He was deployed onto a covid ward in April and he moved out whilst working on it to reduce our risk as i have underlying health poblems..

We rented another flat for 3 months from April (which I paid for). The guy we rented from was really flexible with a rolling weekly lease so we could end the rental with just 1 weeks notice.

It was grim without my partner. I was seconded to a new role at the beginning of March, working with the Scottish Govt on emergency planning so it was full on even before he went. i am classed as a category 2 keyworker, the same as him. He knew how tough my job was with long long days, sometimes from 6am - 11pm. Even before he went, I was burnt out.

We didn't see him for those 3 months. On his days off, he stayed away. He did call once a day and at the start, he video called our kids but he is rubbish on the phone, never mind on WhatsApp. He would sit pretty silent and kinda just expect them to chat to him. The kids didn't really enjoy it and very often he called when I was trying to put them to bed. not great timing. The video calls ended after about 4 weeks as he didn't see the point. Our kids cried alot missing him and wanting him home. He knew this.

I didn't want to put pressure on him as I knew his job was tough and distressing.

I managed all the kids homeschooling myself, downloading, printing and uploading etc. I did ask if he could download all the kids worksheets and email them to me to save time but he could never quite get the hang of the apps so I took over and did it all. He did not do a thing and when I asked if he could try and he said he was too tired and stressed. I was getting by on about 5 hours sleep a night for all of lockdown so also tired and stressed but it had to be done.

I can honestly say it was a pretty awful time for the kids and me. Most days we never got outside and with living in a top floor flat with no garden, it was v hard on the kids.
He knew how hard it was. I told him and cried frequently on the phone missing him and wishing he was back home safe.

It was brilliant when the covid ward closed and I was so relieved he wasn't there, with such high risk exposure but back to his old ward. It also meant he could come home.

I tried to be supportive and understanding that his work was awful. My work has been pretty harrowing as the area I have been working on has dealt with some v v tough stuff and at a really high level. I felt the pressure at alot of the responsibility eg to ensure food supply lines and PPE distribution etc.

I know he saw so terrible things so upon his return, I have still carried the majority of the household tasks etc to give hi a chance to recover. He gets alot of time when not working to chill and read. I am still working crazy hours and still trying to entertain the kids. I am the end of all energy reserves.

He was working today and I rang his usual ward to pass on an urgent message from his family. I spoke with his ward sister whom I have known for a while. I was saying I was so glad that the covid ward was recently shut. She told me that it actually closed over a month ago and that my partner told her he was going to make the most of the peace and solitude to stay on longer. He even took annual leave in that time without telling me so had a couple of weeks of no work. annual leave that is needed to cover childcare when the kids go back to school and forthcoming school holidays ot the end of he year. this was all arranged by us, he now doesnt have enough tot cover. She was laughing that he told them all that he was in no real rush to get back to home schooling and entertaining the kids whilst I worked and loved the chance to read, go for long walks alone and generally chill.

I am livid. He let me cry on the phone, cope with everything here with zero input from him, manage everything when he could have been back sooner. I did not have a single day off in that time, very often working 7 days a week. He choose to lie and pretend he was still on that ward and couldn't come home any earlier. I was paying his rent too!! He pretended on the phone that he was working.

He was meant to be home tonight straight after his shift but let me know earlier (before I rang the ward) that he was going to meet a friend after work to have a few beers in his garden to unwind and catch up. earlier today i didnt mind, again thinking that he needed the time to switch off.

I will admit I am now resentful at this as I have been managing the kids on my own all weekend as well as finish off 2 major urgent work projects. He knows I have a tough week coming up and won't get a chance to unwind and catch up with any of my friends for about another 2 weeks at least.

AIBU to think he has taken the absolute mickey with having an extra month away, half of it on holiday whilst lying to me?

Only thought to add is to wonder if your DP has Aspergers or ASD

This has really highlighted who he really is. He let you cry, he let you manage your job, the children, homeschooling etc etc. All, whilst he lived the life of a single man.

I couldn’t get past this. He is selfish and deceitful.

I've been on MN for 15 years now and read about some shitty behaviour, but this is possibly the lowest of the low.

I could never get past this deceit and selfishness. His behaviour is cruel and unforgivable. He has zero respect for you.

Wow so essentially he abandoned his family to take care of himself. I mean yes he had an impossibly shitty job but who does that without discussing it with their partner?!

I think the Matron told you because she thought you ought to know and is quietly disgusted by his behaviour herself.

I moved out of the family home due to work but was desperate to get home. I video called at least once a day apart from maybe 2 days when it was too hard to hide emotions so I called on the phone instead. My husband did an amazing job and he’s not the dc dad.

Your husband is a joke!

I couldn’t stay with someone who did this. He took full advantage of you despite seeing how stressed you were. He watched you break down and lied.

The pandemic has been revealing experience for all of us. There's stress and then there's the litany of behaviours you mentioned. If you're happy that stress is sufficient explainer, cool. I wouldn't be.

This is what he's capable of if so minded or the opportunity presents. With the lying, disregard and disrespect, I suspect you'll have a hard time trusting him in future.

Oh my god that is just awful. I am so angry for you and for your kids! What a horrific betrayal.

I wouldn’t be able to get past this to be honest, it would be the end of the relationship. You can cope without him, you’ve got through the last 4 months alone. You don’t need him, he is a lazy, lying bastard.

And thank you op, for all you did through the pandemic

Wow what a staggeringly selfish asshole.

I'd LTB over this behaviour though I appreciate that isn't as easy as it sounds.

Just adding my voice to the chorus - I could never forgive this.

My DH works from home so has been here and has been able to step in on occasion. I’ve been managing our twins, who are both disabled, since the start of the pandemic - they haven’t been able to go back to nursery, alongside my part time job and a lot of work on the tribunals related to their education.

I am absolutely broken. I can barely function any more. And that’s with DH here to do his share outside of work hours. I don’t know how I would have survived doing it completely by myself and would like to send a large medal and a larger bottle of wine to every parent who’s done this (and more) on their own. Absolutely incredible, but I can’t imagine how hard it has been.

It’s one thing doing this alone because there’s no other option. It’s quite another to extend your time away to have a break. Frankly if his mental health is so bad that he can’t engage with family life at all, then he needs to seek help and treatment urgently because he has responsibilities- just like the many mothers I know have done when they’ve suffered from severe MH issues because they don’t have the option to back out of their responsibilities in a separate flat paid for by their spouse.

Doesn’t read like that’s the issue though - sounds to me like he was enjoying a “gentleman’s intermission” (as 30 Rock would say). I would never do that to my husband, would you?

@thenightsky

I think the Matron told you because she thought you ought to know and is quietly disgusted by his behaviour herself.

I agree.

His actions are unforgivable.

OP I really feel for you
Also it’s not fair for people to underplay the role of emergency planning. I was also seconded to a COVID response role and it has been absolutely horrendous in terms of work load, the responsibility and what you are exposed to, I do not think your role should be underplayed here by him. I also have 2 DC and their father didn’t help at all but mine are older.

He doesn’t seem to be burned out by his experiences that he has shared with you, unlike you sharing yours with him.

This will never get better and you won’t be able to forgive him. For your own sake, I would go it alone now

Just echoing what everyone has already said really. I don't think I could forgive this, it's such mind bogglingly selfishness.

I really hope you don't stay with him, but if you do make sure you book yourself a nice long solo holiday somewhere and see how he likes it - I bet two weeks on his own managing everything would break him, let alone months of it!

Christ! I love a bit of time on my own and could totally understand taking a day or two off to recover before returning to normal life but that is beyond acceptable!!

I wouldn't forgive that. Sorry but I think it would be the end for me. Selfish bastard.

I think the only solution is that he takes unpaid leave for a week and you move out and stay in a hotel. You may still have to work, but you won't have to think about feeding and schooling the children or entertaining them, and you can have room service meals and sleep all the time when you're not at work (or read or watch TV).

It's his turn to manage the shit. But, saying that, when men are presented with this option they usually spend all their time watching the TV with the volume up loud, shoving sweets and McDonalds at the children and doing no work with the kids or in the house at all.

I would not be able to forgive this at all I’m afraid. It would be the end. No matter the excuse, there isn’t one to behave like this, with such little thought to you or his children. And I agree, his manager thought he was behaving shoddily and that’s why she told you. She clearly knew he wasn’t that stressed out and was taking the piss and wanted you to know.

Your husband is awful, selfish, sneaky and a liar. My husband also worked on the covid ward as a consultant and managed without as much drama. He needed time to unwind, went for walks but was still part of the family.

Also in my husband’s hospital everyone working in covid areas had reduced hours with more days off. This was to help with mental health and stress. They drafted in enough staff from other areas to allow this to happen. So my husband sometimes had 2/3 days off a week or a 3/4 day weekend. If your husband was working in one of the main hospitals he might have benefited from this too.

And this man works as a nurse ??
Not at all kind or caring. What a self-absorbed , selfish person. Not even bothering to be a parent on the telephone to his children is crap OP. It is all crap.
You sound lovely, and very capable, and he sounds as though he completely takes advantage of you.

The older I get the more the scales fall from my eyes about men. I would now say that most men are really selfish and only give a crap about themselves. They say they care about their DP's and DC but they put their own needs first. I think it is instinctive and after 40 it gets worse.

After being together 20 years you need to have a long think about the practicalities of your relationship. What does he bring to the table in terms of money, support, helping with the DC and dealing with his own family? Is he contributing or is he your 3rd child, a whole other person that you have to do everything for. If he left what would happen? After the initial upset do you think you would find that actually you have more time, emotional energy and less stress without the man-child around? A lot of women find that their DP is the most needy, time consuming and dead weight person in the household. If you split, he would have to get off his arse and do some parenting e.g. EOW giving you time you may not get now.

Obviously he can stay in his ‘new’ flat permanently and start paying for it himself.

The ward sister had probably been desperate to pick up the phone and tell op what's been going on for weeks, but professionally this would have been a very compromising thing to do. But when op rung and directly mention the Covid ward closure it gave the ward sister her opportunity, and good on her for taking that opportunity to do the right thing.

He is exceptionally selfish. I couldn't get past this.

He’s a cunt and you don’t deserve this treatment.

He will try and talk you round, but he hasn’t just done this to you- but his own children too.

How will you ever trust him again? Could you lie to him like that? What else is he capable of?

I don’t blame that nurse- I bet she thought he was a cunt too.

Clearly he's been quite open about it at work, so hopefully it won't be obvious who told you.

And yes, I can absolutely believe that she was glad of the opportunity to tell you. I bet all his colleagues were appalled.

wow this is up there with the worst ive ever read on here-how dare he lie and take al to just sit there whilst youre burning out

if hed discussed it with you first you prob would have undertood but to lie and then tell people at work youre just stringing it out is so disgusting

I dont know how you could even look at him after this