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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop being her friend??

17 replies

happyandiknowit988 · 19/07/2020 22:38

I’ve just told what was my best friend I can’t continue our friendship as she’s wearing me down.

Her boyfriend is in prison for DV against an ex and he treats my friend like crap. He’s taken all her money, threatened her and is constantly saying stuff to upset her, regarding her weight and appearance.
She’s obsessed with prison, joining prison groups and constantly talking about people in prison.
She is doing NOTHING about it, except tell me constantly.

She has put him before her children, her family and everything else. She’s obsessed with his exes etc. I am aware how abuse works but it’s too much.

This girl cares about absolutely nothing except this man, she shows no interest in anyone else’s life or how they’re getting on. I have told her I’m there for her but for the above reasons I don’t want to be friends. I feel so bad and I really do care for her but I can’t take much more. AIBU???

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/07/2020 22:50

I don’t think you are being unreasonable - I would struggle to support someone acting like that. I would advise you to take some big steps backwards, from the friendship - but maybe leave the door open so that, when it all falls apart, and the scales drop from her eyes, there is some hope for the friendship.

That said, she is an adult, and if your feeling is ‘she’s made her bed, now she must sleep in it’, I would find it hard to argue that you owe her forgiveness and support when things do go pear shaped.

Merryoldgoat · 19/07/2020 22:52

YANBU OP - I couldn’t stay friends with someone so self-destructive.

Original poster

happyandiknowit988 · 19/07/2020 22:54

It’s just too much for me. We’re 30 years old now and it’s like being back at school.

OP posts:

JustanAunt · 19/07/2020 23:06

I’m With you OP. I dropped a friendship because it was pure drama llama, getting pregnant by a man who was not her partner, running away with him, on and on it went. She only wanted to talk about herself. It was exhausting. I am very glad to be out of it.

Original poster

happyandiknowit988 · 19/07/2020 23:17

It’s just absolutely everything, she’s constantly sending me photos of clothes she’s buying for herself yet has a problem in her home that needs repairing but won’t pay for that I honestly feel drained with her

OP posts:

hadtojoin · 19/07/2020 23:43

I think you are doing the right thing. This is your life and you only get once chance. Don't waste your time with someone who is dragging you down and affecting your life without giving anything back.

Original poster

happyandiknowit988 · 20/07/2020 00:15

Thank you. I just feel a total dickhead because I’m not one for cutting anyone out of my life and I don’t want anyone to be on their own. I feel even worse because I know she’s being abused but it’s way too much for me to deal with at the moment.

OP posts:

CoalTitCafe · 20/07/2020 00:17

Some people can't be saved - especially when they don't want to be. Look after yourself.

Ponoka7 · 20/07/2020 00:26

Sometimes you've got to cut friends out, to protect your mental health, especially when you are 30+, because not everyone grows up, or they can't transition into a responsible adult.

RightOnTheEdge · 20/07/2020 10:44

I can imagine how hard it would be to walk away from her but it sounds like you can't help her the way she is now. You need to look after yourself if it is affecting you.

I think if it was one of my friends though I would have to let her know that if she was ever in danger from him that she could call me.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/07/2020 11:11

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
As sad as it is you do have to sometimes think about yourself and put a safe distance inbetween you and some people.

piscean10 · 20/07/2020 11:14

Yanbu - she sounds toxic. And stupid and selfish - running after a prisoner and putting a man before her kids. Such a waste of space. She will only drag you down.

winterisstillcoming · 20/07/2020 11:30

I wouldn't cut her off but tell her clearly that you will be there for her when she's in a better place and ready for the type of friendship you have to offer.

Original poster

happyandiknowit988 · 20/07/2020 12:04

that’s what I’ve said like if she’s ever in any danger or needs me I’m there in a heartbeat but at the moment I can’t deal with it.

OP posts:

winterisstillcoming · 20/07/2020 12:20

I'd leave it at that and back away. Give delayed, non comittal responses and mute her.

VettiyaIruken · 20/07/2020 12:20

It reaches a point when you have to put yourself first.

How did she take it?

thepeopleversuswork · 20/07/2020 14:01

You've absolutely done the right thing. If she insists on prioritising this self-destructive relationship over herself and her children you can't stop her but you do have every right not to have it take over your life. You may have done her a favour, ultimately, as it could be a wake-up call for her.

Do you think her children are being directly impacted by this?

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