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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Upsetting Imaginary Friends

20 replies

SouthJersey · 19/07/2020 21:46

DD has three daughters, ages 5, 3, and 1. The middle child is very sensitive - for example, if you say "Wait a moment, don't go outside without me" as she goes outside, she's likely to cry because she thinks she was yelled at. She's also become strongly vocal about her feelings. Combine these traits with a new imaginary friend and I think my DD may soon lose her mind.
Granddaughter is refusing to sleep in her bed because of the imaginary friend. She describes him as a man and uses the name of an animal character she's familiar with (we'll call him Z). She says that Z sits on her bed and she'll say things like "Go away, Z!" to the space. DD has become convinced that this is a spirit in her home. She called her pediatrician for child development help, and was advised to call in a medium! Apparently this is what the doctor did when her own child had a scary imaginary friend.
DD is now talking about Z all the time in front of and with my granddaughter. She's questioning her about what he looks like, where he is, etc. I feel that this is making the situation worse. Granddaughter is beginning to be rude (quietly telling people to shut up) and hit people, things she never did before.
AIBU in my advice to just tell the child she's safe and not give it much attention? Or is it wrong to not properly listen to the little one? I don't believe that there is a spirit in their house - I think that my granddaughter likely was exposed to something upsetting (another child mean to her, something in a video or on TV or perhaps she saw one of her father's video games) and because she's sensitive she's working through it by talking to Z. DD, meanwhile, is near tears by the sudden change in behavior and is afraid of spirits in her own home.
Please reassure me that I'm the sane one! Is a belief in spirits really so widespread that a pediatrician recommends a medium? I'd also really appreciate any personal experiences you've had with banishing imaginary friends.

OP posts:
FluffyKittensinabasket · 19/07/2020 21:50

Z sounds a bit like Birdie Friend the badge...

Merryoldgoat · 19/07/2020 21:53

Birdie friend!! Shock

OP - imaginary friends are quite normal but generally not scary so this seems like something else if it’s keeping her awake.

Are there any patterns to when he appears? After seeing any particular people?

lukasiak · 19/07/2020 21:56

My youngest son does the same thing. Very sensitive, anxiety, selective mutism ect. He's brother to a lesser degree. Your dd getting upset will be exasperating it. It's just a way of processing the world when they struggle to understand it. We talk about it gently sometimes, but other than that, just let him get on with it. She's not going to be talking to Mr Z when she's 30.

user14234675325678 · 19/07/2020 21:59

Has your granddaughter experienced shouting? I'm curious how she came to be upset about shouting and hypervigilant about being in trouble in case it leads to shouting?

Not sure I follow the connection between mediums, imaginary friends and the child hitting people. Just because they occurred at the same time doesn't mean one caused the other.

Has your daughter always been this anxious? Did she believe in mediums before all this?

user14234675325678 · 19/07/2020 22:03

Did the doctor mean she called a medium as a way to reassure the child and sort of put on a performance of making things safe again, rather than because she was suggesting there was some kind of spirit involved? And your daughter has misunderstood?

The former would be a bit unusual but I could get my head around it, the latter not so much.

MalificentJones · 19/07/2020 22:07

It sounds like it’s your dd that is upsetting the Apple cart here rather than your granddaughter. All your granddaughter is doing is talking to an imaginary friend but your dd is massively blowing it out of proportion.

Loads of dc have imaginary friends, it shouldn’t even be a blip on her radar. I,would have just got her a nightlight or let her sleep in my bed rather than call a paediatrician.

The over sensitive thing is a separate issue. One of mine is like that. She’s a worried and she hates getting into trouble.Its just who she is.

lukasiak · 19/07/2020 22:08

Also, if your daughter is that worried about spirits, tell her to go to a new age store and pick up some sage. Burn it and walk between each room, she can even say something along the lines of 'you are not welcome here, you have not been invited. Leave.' Then leave the windows open for an hour (people say its to get rid of spirits, really I think its to get rid of the smell) boom. Spirit gone. Just be warned, saging is like a gateway drug into some weird new age nonsense.

RunningFromInsanity · 19/07/2020 22:11

Could they help ‘Z’ move house? (I.e out of your granddaughters bedroom) Maybe into the garden shed etc?

SouthJersey · 20/07/2020 01:21

I'd forgotten about the Birdie badge thread. Little kids are strange things, aren't they?

To respond to some questions: It's every night now and I agree wholeheartedly that she's not going to be talking to Z at age 30. Her mother, on the other hand, seems to lack that long-term vision. There's always been a good amount of shouting in the house, DD and her husband have tiffs all the time and then get over it, but I think I'll try to find a way to point out that perhaps granddaughter isn't getting over it as well as they are. I'm relieved to see that most of you don't think that a medium for an imaginary friend is necessarily a normal reaction. I think it's massively overblown, too! And I was shocked that the doctor really seems to believe in spirits, as she talked at length to DD about the idea. That's when I started to seriously wonder if I was in the minority. DD tends to be gullible and can be easily convinced. If she keeps dwelling on this, I'll suggest the sage. But I love the idea of 'moving' Z elsewhere as a first step to try. I want to tread a fine line between seeming to buy into the whole tale and being too blunt with my opinions.

OP posts:
Sophiafour · 20/07/2020 02:07

What kind of paediatrician were they? Most medics I've encountered are very rational and strong on the science side of things so I'm very curious they apparently recommended a medium though somemight suggest talking to a church or religious minister for a little help. Your DD might want to start by asking to see a different doctor? I think you're also being very rational in the way you're dealing with it; if she's a sensitive little soul all the arguments in the house may be very upsetting in her world. Good luck!

Lavanderrose · 21/07/2020 03:26

Has she always been very sensitive, or are you noticing that she is becoming more so? I really don’t want to alarm or scare you but I am worried that it could be a sign of something happening. I know that having an Imaginary friend is common in childhood. But this imaginary friend doesn’t seem like a ‘playmate’, more something that scares her. Also the changes that you’ve noted, the refusing to sleep and the hitting are a little concerning. Would an option be to set up a camera in the room? If nothing else you’d be able to see what her nighttime routine is like which might help. This could all just be due to the stress of lockdown perhaps.

Finfintytint · 21/07/2020 03:29

No paediatrician would recommend a medium. Absolute bollocks.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 21/07/2020 03:35

Your DD is feeding this, lots of children have imaginary friends and grow out of them. Mine did, it was no big deal. What about a squirty bottle filled with water that DGD can spray around her room before bed, like an anti-Z spray? The main issue is your DD's reaction though, the child will feed off her anxiety.

Hailtomyteeth · 21/07/2020 03:43

Hmm. Let's say, for the sake of argument, your three year old is being visited by a spirit who knows she can see him. What are you doing to support her? Telling her she's safe doesn't sound very helpful. I think you need to suspend disbelief and enter into the situation, to fully support your dd and dgd.

Lavanderrose · 21/07/2020 03:44

Just to add, I don’t think it’s the imaginary friend that’s a the problem, even if it doesn’t seem like a “friend” it’s the hitting, being scared over very sensitive which makes me think something else could be going on within the home.

WombOfOnesOwn · 21/07/2020 04:02

Off the wall hypothesis:

Your granddaughter is exhibiting pathological demand avoidance, and her imaginary friend is an example of her using social techniques to avoid engaging with demands, as is the "don't yell at me" and oversensitivity.

Look up pathological demand avoidance and see if it rings any bells.

Neves7 · 21/07/2020 05:08

Who else lives in the house?

Topseyt · 21/07/2020 15:49

That paediatrician sounds batshit. Are they a properly qualified and recognised one, working within the NHS (assuming you are in the UK)? Sounds more like quackery to me.

It is quite common for young children to have imaginary friends. I did when I was that age, as my parents would tell you.

The friend may be very real to the child (my parents had to ensure that they had put mine into the car before we could go out anywhere. It doesn't mean that the house is haunted at all or that a medium is needed. That is ridiculous.

The friend will often disappear at some point just as suddenly as they appeared in the first place. Mine was never heard of again after my younger sister was born. In fact, I never would have remembered it at all if it hadn't been for a chance conversation around 20 years later with my parents when they mentioned that I used to do that.

DiscBeard · 21/07/2020 16:35

m.imdb.com/title/tt8995218/

This is an actual horror film.

draughtycatflap · 21/07/2020 16:54

Molly, you in danger girl!

Upsetting Imaginary Friends
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