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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is it important to take one day for family time

22 replies

frazzledmomof3 · 19/07/2020 20:55

Since my first was born 4 years ago we always set aside Sunday as family day. Add in 2 more children into the mix now - I still feel its important to spend a day together. Every other day kids see DH for maybe an hour. Saturday he works in his workshop.

Anyway else in similar boat as us? Do you feel its important or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:

Alloverthegrapevine · 19/07/2020 21:01

Yes. I always resisted weekend clubs, swimming lessons etc. for this reason. DC are 17 & 19 now and not always here at weekends now but if they are we eat together and probably have a day out or a walk.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/07/2020 21:02

Saturday he works in his workshop.

This sort of thing baffles me.

Tinamou · 19/07/2020 21:05

My DC are 10, 12 and 14. They are all very sporty and the matches tend to be at weekends, so there's no chance of keeping a day clear for family time.

Ellisandra · 19/07/2020 21:05

Who thinks you’re expecting too much?
Your husband?

Why is he only seeing the kids for an hour on weekdays?

I appreciate that commutes and shifts can cause this, so I’m not going to jump to the conclusion that he already doesn’t put enough into his family and he’s the one resisting - but I’ll be honest, that’s what I’m wondering. Especially with this “workshop” Saturday - which sounds like his hobby, not work?

Some families like to have a family day - fab!
Others like mine don’t, because blocking out a day would mean certain clubs could not be done - we’d rather not do that, but get lots of time together anyway.
Some families get only half a day with one of the parents, but it’s a willingly spent half day that they all love - which easily tops a full day of a disengaged dad who doesn’t want to be there and isn’t, mentally.

What’s actually going on for you?

Sciurus83 · 19/07/2020 21:08

Saturday he works in his workshop.

Is this paid work? If not why does he get a whole day a week?

Charles11 · 19/07/2020 21:08

If you can, then that’s lovely. Your kids are still young so you need the support and connection too.

Mine are a bit older now and we have snatches of family time like weekend breakfasts, weekend evenings, some days out and holidays.
During the day, everyone seems to be doing their own thing.

Original poster

frazzledmomof3 · 19/07/2020 21:17

I think maybe I'm being unrealistic thinking all 5 of us can spend the day together.
He does work long hours and I'm at home with the children. Saturday is paid work so it's benefiting the whole family. I think it's important for him to get down time because if we don't go away he goes around looking for jobs to keep him busy

He has never said I'm being ridiculous. Its just some days I feel he would rather be at home. And yes it's a great help to me sharing the work load on sunday

OP posts:

AriettyHomily · 19/07/2020 21:21

No that's not unrealistic at all, doesn't need to be a set day but you need time as a family. What exactly is he doing in his 'workshop'?

Ellisandra · 19/07/2020 21:22

If he’s working 6 days a week, and long hours at that, then yes - you’re expecting too much for Sunday family days to be “going out” days, with all 5 of you out all day at the zoo. Sometimes, you need a day of not leaving the house (I mean, for him).

However - it’s just not good enough for him to have to be forced out, to be mentally there with you and not pissing avoid doing jobs.

That’s the balance you need to strike.

If you both choose to have 3 kids in quick succession then you do choose to not get an awful lot of “me time” for a while!!

But that has to go for both of you.

Does he really have to work every Saturday? Some things are worth more than money. Your wife, your kids... I know not every family has that choice - but think about that honestly. Does he have to work Saturday, or is he conveniently opting out of parenting?

Ellisandra · 19/07/2020 21:24

I’m wondering too if Sunday is the only day you feel you can take the kids “out out”? It can’t be easy taking 3 out on your own. Is that why it’s important to you to be going out on a Sunday?

As Saturday seems to be a self employed day, can he safely fit that around the youngest? That might make it easier for you to do out-our things on a Saturday without him?

winetime89 · 19/07/2020 21:26

I am the same, we always try to dedicated sundays as a family day. mine are 5 and 7. we used to do days put every Sunday just to entertain them as they were so energetic but now it's the odd day out and bike rides/dog walks ect.

winetime89 · 19/07/2020 21:26

Alloverthegrapevine · 19/07/2020 21:36

We always had Sundays as family time but that didn't always mean a big trip out, more often it was lounging in the garden, watching films on TV, or having kids "help" with DIY or washing the car.

Original poster

frazzledmomof3 · 19/07/2020 21:36

I understand down time - he doesn't. He is constantly on the go. So when I say he has a day off he's around looking for things to do. Not leaving the house for a day I can do no problem.. He can't seem to cope with kids fighting etc so that's why I think it's easier to leave for the day. Maybe I suggest a half day. I know it will get easier as the kids get older

OP posts:

Fishfingersandwichplease · 19/07/2020 21:40

Yep - DH works saturdays plus all week so Sunday is our only day when we are altogether - l do stuff with DD on a Saturday which ticks that box for the weekend so Sundays are our chill out day. Happy for visitors to come round but in general try to keep it free.

CherryPavlova · 19/07/2020 21:42

I think the idea of family time as sacrosanct is quite modern.
If children are all busy over the weekend doing extracurricular activities then the parents have to juggle around those commitments.
The odd day out or special event is nice but I’m not sure there’s a need for reserved time to do nothing in particular.

ginsparkles · 19/07/2020 21:44

I work in retail. Sunday is the only day we are all together so it’s very important for us that it’s our family day.

Ellisandra · 19/07/2020 21:44

“Can’t seem to cope with the kids fighting” is a cop out. You don’t have a choice but to cope with it, 7 days a week.

And it’s bullshit that he disappears off to do jobs because he’s “constantly on the go”. What, 3 kids doesn’t give him the opportunity to be constantly on the go?

Look, I’m with him if he doesn’t want to always be out-out on big family days on his one day off a week. But not pulling his weight on Sunday wherever you are? Not on.

Sounds like these Sunday jobs are child care avoidance 🤷🏻‍♀️ (and possibly Saturday “workshop” too )

Itstartedinbarcelona · 19/07/2020 21:48

We try and keep most of the weekend as family time. We will have to fit in chores as we both work full time, and seeing family and friends sometimes but the best weekends are where we all chill at home and maybe just leave the house for a walk.

Alloverthegrapevine · 19/07/2020 21:50

DH would often be "busy" when DC were little and being difficult. It was a mixture of him genuinely believing he was most useful when doing jobs and being a bit lost and lacking in confidence re what his role was supposed to be with DC. He didn't know what to do when they were playing up and thought I just knew. He was avoiding it but not for any sinister reason and he was much better once I realised what was holding him back and "taught" him, although of course in was making it all up as I went among too. He actually told me, in tears, after I complained that he did nothing with DC that while he was working he knew what to do, with DC he felt useless and incompetent. Now they're teens he's brilliant with them and does a lot more for/with them than I do.

winetime89 · 19/07/2020 23:08

@frazzledmomof3 it Defiantly will get easier when they get older. Up until recently I used to find it so much easier just being out of the house with them but there a (Little) calmer now and can entertain themselves more.

AngryPancake · 20/07/2020 00:11

I think it depends. My DH works pretty much 7 days most of the year due to the nature of his job. Wen the DC were little (and even now) we’d occasionally have time out as a family. His idea of family time would just be having time at home, due to convenience. I’d have loved to go to parks and stuff regularly as a family when dc were really but it was just never going to be a thing! I’d go by myself or meet friends so it’s not as though they were always stuck at home. Just probably sick of the sight of me though!!

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