I had been in a couple of abusive relationships and got pregnant the year after I graduated from university (the relationship had been a couple of years). The father ended up being physically abusive and I left for good when our daughter was about 3.
I had been friends with 'Jay' since school and we started a relationship and got married two years later. It's now been over ten years.
So basically, Jay has a physical disability. He now admits that he thought he would never be in a relationship. He admits that what he did was to pretend to be a certain personality so that we would get married as we were already friends. Do cute surprises. You like Star Trek? OMG me too!! We were not living together so I guess it was easier to keep up the charade. Maybe I shouldn't have been taken in, but how could I have guessed someone would do that.
Before we got married we had a couple of sessions of marriage guidance and a couple of sessions of individual therapy to make sure we both knew what we were getting into getting married. He admits now that he just said what I wanted to hear.
We are from a conservative place and after the ink was dry on the marriage certificate he basically flipped the script and what he wanted was a 1950s housewife. The 21st century guy was gone. His family are the most awful people I've ever met, he allows them to be rude and cruel to me but thank God we haven't seen any of them since Christmas due to Corona.
He has zero communication skills. His tool of choice is the silent treatment. He will never talk about anything to do with feelings or anything. If you talk to him he will literally sit and watch you cry and say nothing. The next day he will pretend the conversation never happened. He is always fake jolly, saying 'rise and shine' and 'opsie daisy' , 'new episode of X show tonight, yay!' Dozens of times literally this pattern has repeated, so I've given up trying to talk with him.
Long story short it turns out that since he was 18 he's been using prostitutes as he thought he would never be in a relationship due to his disabilities. He just carried on when we were married. I never withheld sex or anything but I think he just liked the dynamic of never having to give and to only take pleasure in bed. A very selfish lover.
I found out. He cried and promised to change etc.
He has been to therapy for about a year. That's all we could afford. Fuck knows what they talked about but he's the same.
It's been three years since I found out and since then we've barely had sex because he says 'he is ashamed'. I don't think he is a still seeing prostitutes.
It all came out when he had a nervous breakdown. He said it was from the stress of keeping the secret. That's why I believe he has stopped, simply because he doesn't want to risk another breakdown. Even in lockdown he's been home 24/7 for months. His parents blamed me. They found out because he had the breakdown when they were there. Crying on the floor and everything. Luckily my child was at a summer camp at the time.
I refuse to do housework. I tidy up after myself, no more. I said basically I didn't get what I wanted from the marriage, so you won't either.
I know the usual Reddit answer is 'divorce!1!' but there are several reasons why I can't.
- I can't afford to live alone with me and my child. When I left my child's father I remember shivering cold, and trying to keep the little one warm with a coat on the bed and skipping meals to buy food. I ended up back with my mother who is a whole other set of problems. I am never living like that again. At least here we are in a home, food, warm etc.
- I am not entitled to any government help (my visa is no recourse to public funds) Even when my daughter's father gave me a black eye, the shelter said they could not take me in as my visa was no recourse to public funds. I had to go to an uncle's house and felt really humiliated and ended up going back on the advice of a pastor. (Don't worry, I don't go to church any more)
- he said he would kill himself if I left. I 100% know that it is not my responsibility. I don't know if he would even do it. I don't think I could live with the guilt if he did.
- loss of 'face'. I'm from a culture where public image is paramount. I already 'shamed' everyone by getting pregnant after university and for leaving the child's father eventually. I don't think I'm strong enough to face that humiliation again.
- fear. I'm just not brave enough. I have never lived independently outside of college dorms and a few months with my child which was hell on earth. I've never even been single for more than a few weeks since age 17, just serial monogamy.
What have I done so far?
- Tried to have a hobby. During lockdown its been reading and writing fanfiction. I used to go to a community choir once a week but obviously that's off. (I can't sing well, just enjoy it.)
- gone to therapy could only afford ten sessions and it felt like a waste of time.
- antidepressants for several years, but I stopped because they made me feel like a zombie, and plus I'm not unhappy due to chemical imbalance - it's because my life is shit.
I hate him.
I don't want him to see me exercising, or drawing or doing things I like and I'm not sure why. During lockdown I've basically just watched TV.
I wish I knew what to do.
TL:DR I hate my marriage but feel I'm stuck and want to improve the situation.
Edit: oh, and I can't cheat or have a side relationship. I believe in ethical polyamory but he would NEVER agree and I think it is morally repulsive to cheat. I know he wouldnt agree due to comments he's made in the past. I would not feel good about myself, thus no benefit in doing so.
We are both 40 now and I'm scared I would be alone forever if I left.