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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

No Communication

9 replies

greentourmaline · 19/07/2020 16:53

Almost every weekend husband and I argue. About the same thing. He doesn't want to do anything, lies in until around 11am. Comes down and I've already fed the kids (8 and 10 years) and cleaned/tidied the downstairs of the house. I ask him if we can plan to do something. He ignores me until somewhere between 4-5pm, then wants to do something when I start making dinner and the kids are climbing the walls.

To him, free time is time to sit and do nothing. To me, free time is a gift that I want to use. I'd like to be able to plan it and make the most of it. so we can organise holidays, plan our days off, and get to do something more than either slothing or working. He gets his own way by ignoring me and doing as he wants.

I've tried organising things earlier in the week, he ignores and avoids.

I've tried not cleaning on a weekend morning, hoping I'd feel less resentful. He does not notice and I get annoyed with the mess.

I've tried going out with the kids on my own, but then he tells the kids they can stay at home (as he is), leaves the kids to play on their computers while I'm out, then goes for a nap all afternoon as he's "had the kids all morning" leaving me to deal with their fretful behaviour (as they've then had no exercise).

Today I got up at 8am, he got up at 10.30am. I'd already cleaned and fed the kids by the time he'd dragged himself downstairs. We've just got canoes and were out for a couple of hours on them yesterday, he had promised the kids we could go out again today for a bit. I asked him what we were doing today, he avoided my questions, sighing deeply and rolling his eyes at intervals, then finally saying that he had admin and a few other things to do, we could perhaps go out at 4pm. 4pm means we won't be ready before 5pm - and would not be back until 8pm or later. That doesn't work for me, especially on a Sunday. I told him so and he flounced off.

He did nothing all day, despite all the "important" things he had to do that meant we couldn't go out at a reasonable time (apart from make himself snack after snack and make the kids a second lunch two hours after I'd already made them lunch - which is something else he knows annoys me, as they then won't eat dinner). Nothing until 4.15pm, when he asks me if he should put the roof rack on the car so we can go. I'm now in the middle of doing something else as I found other things to do, thinking we weren't going. I also do not want to be out so late and didn't get anything organised AS WE'D NOT PLANNED ANYTHING.

I want to scream, but not sure whether I'm being unreasonable...

OP posts:
CazzaCat · 19/07/2020 16:57

Hmmm this does sound frustrating!!! I would be annoyed too!

What’s his working week like, could he be exhausted/stressed/unmotivated?

Ell19 · 19/07/2020 16:57

Honestly? He sounds awful.

Why are you with someone who is dismissive of you, rolls his eyes at you, won’t communicate or make any compromises?

Smallsteps88 · 19/07/2020 16:59

Tbh a few hours out in the canoes yesterday would have been plenty for me for the weekend. I’d definitely be using today to be lazy after that. I wouldn’t expect to be out doing stuff both weekend days.

greentourmaline · 19/07/2020 17:01

He has a lot of good points. He loves the kids to bits, is supportive, is a good provider (though I have a good job, it is his pride to look after us - perhaps that sounds odd coming from a modern woman, but it's his way of caring, I guess).

It just feels like when we get stuck on an issue there's very little compromise.

OP posts:
PerfidiousAlbion · 19/07/2020 17:06

You need to compromise.

One day of activities and one day of chilling.

To be honest, I cant see whats wrong with getting up later on Sunday.

Sounds like you've got severely miss-matched body clocks too - he’s an owl and you’re a lark.

How did you cope early on in your dating life and when the children were babies?

tigger001 · 19/07/2020 17:16

It sounds exhausting being so frustrated all the time.

Can you not do Saturday as a "doing something" day and a Sunday as the day of rest.

greentourmaline · 19/07/2020 17:19

He matched me activity for activity when we were dating and the kids were small. He had no hobbies (which maybe I should have questioned a bit more) but he was busy with work. I did have a more demanding/senior job than him when we met - but he was also setting up a business on the side. He did not seen phased by the amount of activities/hobbies I did and he kept up with me.

He did seem to find it odd that I got up so early. But he'd get up with me. It changed when I had depression several years back and struggled to get out of bed for a few months.

I don't get on with the gym or exercise for the sake of exercise, so not being as active has caused me to pile on a lot of weight.

OP posts:
OneUsernameOnly · 19/07/2020 17:20

You are mismatched.

AmandaHoldensLips · 19/07/2020 17:23

Sounds like you're married to a lazy bloke who has no interest in any of the activities you plan.

You can drag a horse to water and all that. I wouldn't bother including him in your schedule. He clearly doesn't want to join in.

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