AIBU to think this is rude?

[MorganSeventh]

I am in a group of friends with a couple who, in retrospect, have always been a bit flaky. However, it’s become more apparent with Coronavirus restrictions and it’s making me reassess the friendship. There’s been a couple of incidents but these are the most recent.

Once it was permitted for groups to meet outside, couple invited a mutual friend and me to meet in their garden. They said to arrive at around 4:30. We were having a nice catch up, then at about 5pm, they said they had an outdoor fitness session booked at 6 so they would be going out at 5:45. I only live a few miles away, but mutual friend lives 45 minutes away, so ended up travelling 90 minutes for an hour and a quarter catch up. The couple hadn’t mentioned the booking before we arrived. If they had let us know, I would probably have gone anyway, but mutual friend might have decided against it.

Second one: It was agreed a couple of weeks ago that six of us would meet another couple’s house. It’s out in the country and is not the easiest place to get to without a car. The plan was we’d meet mid-afternoon, play badminton and then have a barbecue, not a late one.

Couple drive there with a mutual friend they are in a bubble with. After two hours they say they are not staying for the barbecue as they are going camping the next day and need to pack. This was news to me and to the friend they had given a lift to. Friend decides they will stay as hosts have prepared lots of food and says they will arrange alternative transport home. After the couple leave the hosts said one of the couple had messaged that morning to say they wouldn’t be staying for food. Hosts are a bit annoyed as one of the couple has a restricted diet due to allergies and they had prepared food with this in mind (and checked the menu would be okay.) Stranded friend is put out as couple hadn’t mentioned this change of plan to them, and they would have arranged alternative transport if they had known the couple weren’t intending to stay.

Anyway, we had the barbecue, I gave the stranded friend a lift home, it was all fine but AIBU to think this couple are at best thoughtless, and at worst rude? We're in our 30s and 40s if it is relevant, so it's not down to the gaucheness of youth.

If they don’t want to meet up, that’s fine. If they want to meet up only for few hours, that’s fine. If they don’t want to give people lifts, that’s fine, but they need to let people know their plans beforehand so others can make their arrangements in full possession of the facts.

Or am I expecting too much? After all, they didn't say they weren't going to go out later when they invited us around. They weren't obliged to stay for the barbecue...

YABU - couple were not rude

YANBU - couple were rude

They are totally self absorbed by the sound of it! Maybe lockdown made them forget common courtesy and consideration.

I’d say they were pretty rude! The morning of is way too late to tell the hosts they wouldn’t be staying for food, especially as one of them requires different food to others.

Just stop socialising with them. They obviously aren't like you. Or....socialise with them but accept they are flaky.
I have a flaky friend - been friends with her over 20 years. Love her to death but...i always pin her down on her breesey 'ok' responses to things. E.g. OK- you like the sound of it ok - you want to come ok - you are coming....lol. I accept her breeziness as part of her. She accepts my need for details.

Has no one said anything to them?

I think the social distancing rules has made it more obvious. When there's 20 of you at a barbecue, if two leave early it's not a big deal. But when there's only six to start off with, two leaving is a big difference. And if would have been three, if the stranded guest had left with them.

@NotIncandescentWithRage

Has no one said anything to them?

Not yet. I think stranded friend was biting their tongue, but falling out with the people in your support bubble is probably not a great idea.

That is very rude.

If they don't want to stay long, just say so from the start

Do you all question them?

Stranded guest could’ve asked what time they intended driving back

Call them out! Every time

If they don’t want to meet up, that’s fine. If they want to meet up only for few hours, that’s fine. If they don’t want to give people lifts, that’s fine, but they need to let people know their plans beforehand so others can make their arrangements in full possession of the facts

Completely agree! I couldn't be close friends with people who're this unreliable - You'd never know the 'new info' they'd drop on you at anytime.

The regular lack of consideration will do my head in - whether they mean to or not - because I always like to know what I'm getting into IF it's possible. In their case, it's possible and they could have said so.

YANBU - they sound completely self-centred and thoughtless.

Yes it's very rude.

They are entitled to act as they wish, but not consistently at the expense of their friends.

You have a choice to make:

1. Suck it up

1. Speak to them frankly about their behaviour and see if they change.

1. Stop socialising with them.

1. Don't say anything but ensure you never depend on them in any regard such as lifts but accept if you are hosting you may find yourself catering (and paying) for people who have not intention of eating with you, despite you catering for their dietary needs.

1. If you are the host simply don't cater for them and tell them to bring their own food if they want to eat.

Personally I'd go for option 2 and if they continue I'd simply stop inviting them to my home as life is too short to deal with CF's. What other friends do is up to them.

But then again if you believe in Dawkin's premise from The Selfish Gene that people are fundamentally suckers/grudges/cheats I'm firmly a grudger and have behaved as such since I read that book aged 12 .

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/talonrest.wordpress.com/2016/08/30/cheaters-suckers-and-grudgers/amp/

@GreenTulips

Do you all question them?

Stranded guest could’ve asked what time they intended driving back

Call them out! Every time

Since I've wised up to this, I have started questioning them, but they do things that I just don't foresee as a possibility. So, for example, for this barbecue because I know they tend to flake, I spoke to them both individually to check they were up for it and also had a couple of conversations on Whatsapp about who was taking what. I thought I'd covered it off quite well, having had firm undertakings from both of them they were going to attend. I didn't foresee when they said' yes, definitely up for it' they meant, 'but only for the first half.'

As stranded friend said, when someone offers you a lift to a barbecue it's kind of implied in that you will be staying for the barbecue. It didn't cross their mind that the offer was really 'we will give you a lift to the barbecue, but if you want a lift back you will have to leave before eating.' So it didn''t occur to them to ask about times.

Anyway, I've decided to step back. I can't be bothered micro-managing adults to this degree. They asked last week if I wanted to visit a recently re-opened local attraction, but I've declined and will go with a friend I know can be relied on to turn up, on the right day, at the right time, and not decide to leave after 15 minutes.

Anyway, I've decided to step back. I can't be bothered micro-managing adults to this degree. They asked last week if I wanted to visit a recently re-opened local attraction, but I've declined and will go with a friend I know can be relied on to turn up, on the right day, at the right time, and not decide to leave after 15 minutes.

I think that's fair enough OP.

I certainly cba to deal with "friends" like this.

The issue is (as you said above) you end up micro managing them and also on edge prior/during the event which in itself ruins the occasion even if they behave on the day.

Interesting thing I find about people like this is that it stems from utter self absolution which means whilst they care not a whit about putting out other people, they tend to be outraged if anyone acts similarly towards them.