Is this shady?

[chunkyrun]

Local builder would leave his dogs in car with windows slightly open. Had to flat face dogs. I felt sorry for them. I'd normally say hello ext. one day I asked if he wanted to leave them in my garden. At the time I was home all day so it wasn't any bother. Was actually lovely as I don't have time for dogs myself.

Fast forward several months later I bump into him. I previously had his number from minding his dogs. He told me he wasn't doing well in lockdown, he's estranged from family, lost his job, he'd had a break down and diagnosed with bipolar but not been given much help since.

A week or so later he was on my mind, I sent a message just asking if he was ok. Just small talk. I know lockdowns been tough on everyone. Just wanted to check in.

Other half saw I'd messaged a man on my WhatsApp. Said it was completely inappropriate and if he'd been messaging other women I wouldn't happy. As I write it does sound suspect but I've not romantic Interest whatsoever. I was just trying to be nice

I think if you’d told your husband first and said you were thinking about messaging the builder, you’d know his your husband felt upfront. It is true, if you found him messaging a woman without you knowing, you’d have an issue with it (as most women would).

I’d simply tell your husband you had t considered that, apologise if you’ve caused him concern and going forward discuss with your husband contacting Other men.

I get where you’re coming from though. I had similar with old work colleague who is now widowed, he was made redundancy (told to retire) and his kids have left home. I told my husband about the guy, said I’m messaging him and we might meet up for dog walks (My husband is working from home and says he no longer wants to join me daily for walks prior to this). Was he ok with that?

Communicate and you’ll avoid miscommunication or hard feelings

I think if you’d told your husband first and said you were thinking about messaging the builder, you’d know his your husband felt upfront. It is true, if you found him messaging a woman without you knowing, you’d have an issue with it (as most women would)

You can’t be serious? . How do you know it’s true, I’d not have an issue and she’s a grown up she can message who she wants without asking permission, we are all allowed friends of the opposite sex.

Seriously this ain’t the 1950s.

Not shady at all. You dont need anyone's permission to message someone of the opposite sex.

You sound naive and your OH sounds controlling. Hope it works out.

You’ve done nothing wrong. You sound lovely and your OH sounds a bit insecure.

While I think you had the best intentions, I'd find it very weird to get a checking in message from someone I hardly knew two weeks after I spoke to them. From someone of the opposite sex I'd assume ulterior motives.

Is your dc assuming you had ulterior motives or worried that the builder will think so? Being nice can often be conceived as being interested - more so by men than women I think. You know that type that think every barmaid, for example, that smiles at them when serving is gagging to get into their pants.

This man has a lot of shite going on, are you prepared to go the whole hog in supporting him? Or just expect him to go 'isnt that sweet and forget about it'? What happens if he texts back saying he needs support and expects that from you - cos that's basically what you've offered. I did what you did to a woman I vaguely knew from the pub - trying to be nice - and she latched on. I was suddenly her go to for 2am suicidal phone calls. I had to pull back for my own mh which probably made her feel even worse. I'd have been better directing her to mh services when she spoke to me first, cos I way in way over my head!

This is why I’m glad I’m single. All this seeking permission before you can message someone - not to mention the snooping through phones - sounds emotionally draining and claustrophobic.

All this seeking permission before you can message someone - not to mention the snooping through phones - sounds emotionally draining and claustrophobic

Eh that’s not the Norm at all, that’s the sign of a dysfunctional relationship. My husband and I don’t snoop through each other’s phones, have friends of the opposite sex and can message who we wish.

Forgot to say I think if your husband's problem is only that you texted a man then he's out of line. Does he get jealous about other men, or is he assuming you're interested in this one?

No never been the jealous before, but never been in this situation before

I don't think a one off how you doing message is that shady. I might find it a bit odd if my husband entered into a daily chat with someone else of the opposite sex but odd messages here and there don't indicate an affair to me. Although in fairness I'd never know if my DH had sent a WhatsApp to another female as we never look at each other's phones.

Eh that’s not the Norm at all, that’s the sign of a dysfunctional relationship. My husband and I don’t snoop through each other’s phones, have friends of the opposite sex and can message who we wish.

Well I would certainly hope that your situation was the norm! I just see so many threads on here where not only does the OP have a shit fit because they ‘happened to see’ an innocent message on their partner’s phone, but also they get replies along the lines of ‘This would be a massive issue for me’, that I start to wonder if anyone has a normal relationship!

, that I start to wonder if anyone has a normal relationship!

^^ very true

It's not like you sent him a picture of your tits to cheer him up.

It's such a small (but tremendously kind) gesture that I wouldn't have thought to tell my DH either tbh

I wouldn't have thought to tell my DH either tbh

^^ yes this, it was such a minor thing. I didn't think anyone or him would be interested in hearing about it.