Aibu to want to meet my dad?

[Popsie17]

Posting here for advice and because I don’t have anyone to talk to about this.

I am in my late twenties and never met my dad. Well apparently I seen him a few times when I was little but I have no memory of this.

He is married with children now that actually that much younger than me. He lives very locally too. He actually has a daughter older than me too. He has a relationship with her so why not me?!

I believe there was fault in both sides. I do believe my mother made it difficult but then he should have fought to see me if he really wanted to surely? They were young and it’s such a shame when a mum and dad can’t put their bad feelings aside for the sake of their child to know both parents.

I’ve never been able to talk to my mother about this as she shuts me off. I have so many unanswered questions.

Aibu to want to meet him? Everyone tells me he is a waste of space for missing nearly 30 years but I feel like I need to meet him. I don’t crave a relationship with him. I know that I will never have a father bond with him. I wouldn’t want to but surely meeting him for a chat isn’t that bad?

Aibu? I feel like this will give me closure!

Oh never really knew his dad either but he did meet him when he was younger but didn’t pursue a relationship with him. He tells me to forget it, it’s a waste of time but he’s had that closure of meeting his dad, I haven’t.

Also, I did actually message my bio dad a few years ago. He took days to reply and said he couldn’t see me at the minute as his younger daughter was going through a tough time and he didn’t want to upset he introducing me to them. (They don’t know about my supposedly) so yeah maybe he is a waste of space 😭

his older child (From a precious relationship) does know about me though.. I actually know her!!

I mean contact him again. Maybe say you don’t need to be introduced to the family, you just want to talk to him. But don’t expect any positive outcome. Go into it neutral.

Yeah contact him. I hope it works out for you. These things can be tricky.

Hmm I was all for saying yes until you told me you had messaged him and he said no.

Because if he was Any kind of a good man he would have made an effort or at least tried to made contact with you again. The fact he hasn’t doesn’t make him look good.

I’m sorry for you though. And I do hope you eventually get a happy ending.

His told you no. If you have questions I’d say message those exact questions to get your answers.

As someone who is in pretty much the same boat (except I'm the oldest child), I'd say give it one last shot.
Write to him saying everything you want to say and be fully prepared for no response.

My dad left when I was 4 months old, we met when I was a teen at my request for contact and it was all lovely until he was seen by his friends and had to explain who I was. The bubble was burst and it soon petered out.

I recently wrote to him again advising him of the birth of my oldest child and he ignored me. He is local, he has seen me out and about but that's his choice. He's missing out so that's on him.

I'm not saying that's how it will go for you, but expect the worst and anything better is a bonus.

I hope you get the answers you're looking for.

He told the OP no ‘a few years ago’.

Things change.
Perhaps it was a tricky time then.
He may be single now and his kids grown up and wouldn’t mind.

Worth giving him the opportunity again.

Don't do it.

I was in a very similar situation to u once op. 20ish years of zero contact and I traced him in my early twenties wanting answers / to meet him. He was mentally unstable and abused me emotionally, physically and sexually for nearly a year. He was an alcoholic with a large amount of gambling debt which meant he was angry a lot. I lived in fear.

In the end victim support at my local hospital helped me begin my journey to recovery but it was as not easy. Months and months of very specialised psychotherapy, post traumatic stress symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety and panic attacks. It took me literally years to find my feet again, awful doesn't even begin to describe it.

Thankfully he is now dead and the world is that bit safer. I have 100% rebuilt my life, I live many, many miles away from anyone who ever knew him and have a family of my own, we are all very happy together. I have a small handful of bad days per year but overall am very happy. Hardly anyone in real life knows what happened.

I'd honestly just stay away, it's not worth the risk. Thank you for reading my story, first time I've ever discussed it online and will probably be the last as I struggle even thinking about it. All the best whatever u do. I wish I'd never done it.