to wonder how I ended up in this relationship?

[pepsicola5]

I left my ex 18 months ago. We had a 3 month old at the time. He hasn't seen his son since I left.

He was lovely to start with (all fake). We worked together. He was very quiet, but very popular. Everyone liked him. Lots of the staff fancied him. Thought I had landed on my feet when he asked me out.

We went on a few dates. Fast forward 4 years later and here I am. 21 month old son who doesn't know his dad and am trying to heal from his abuse. He's desperately trying to gain access through the courts but it's not working for him.

He was found by the court to have handled our newborn son roughly, used coercive control on me, intimidated and harassed me, racially abused me, sexually abused me and endangered our son's health by messing around with his hospital appointments etc. I have posted about this before.

I don't know how I ended up in that situation. I am so broken and am angry I let him do that to me. I am full of guilt for my son. I am terrified the courts are going to give him access.

It's interesting to note that my ex is really quite thick. Not a problem if someone isn't academic, it's just his emotional intelligence that was extremely sub par. Our intellectual levels are so vastly different. I'm no genius but I do have two postgrad degrees so am not stupid either. I thought I was switched on enough to dodge men like this. I now know I was naive to think that. It can happen to anyone.

I'm so angry I ended up with a racist. I'm black, and cannot stand racism. How, HOW did I end up with one?

Trust me, I'm doing my very best to learn about abusive behaviour and red flags before I even think about dating again. It terrifies me.

Has anyone else ended up in an abusive relationship after naively believing that it couldn't possibly happen to you?

Hi pepsicola5, didn't want to read and run. None of us willingly go into those sorts of abusive relationships - I certainly didn't & my ex sounds like yours. I strongly suggest that you do the Freedom Programme. There is an online version and a face to face one. It's really good at pointing out the types of abuser and gives you the tools to spot the red flags early on. Take care of yourself.

@pepsicola5 Don't blame yourself for ending up with someone who wasn't who you thought they were - he most likely did everything right in the beginning e.g. superficially charming, said all the right things etc which is why you didn't see it. Abusers are very clever about not revealing their true colours until they've got their feet under the table. The racist aspect is similar - my ex wasn't exactly racist but definitely had some questionable views which he was smart enough to keep to himself for the first few years of our relationship. The most important thing is that you got out of that situation and you are trying to train yourself to notice red flags earlier, that's really all you can do.

One of my friends was in a relationship like that, she'd moved away so none of us saw her and she told me years later.

If you lined up all my friends and asked which one you thought would be at the least risk of abuse, she'd definitely be up there.

I can relate to all of this. Do they actually set out to find their pray? Why don't they stay alone and wallow in self pity?

Mine set up the new OW before he left, he couldn't even be single for a day.

That is probably the worst bit, that HE left not me.

I’m no expert, but it often seems that the start of abusive relationships are too good to be true, so you get sucked in by an ‘amazing’ man quickly.

Then it all moves very fast and the woman is pregnant within 18 months. It’s just not enough time to really know someone. The flags are missed because life is chaos suddenly trying to live together, plan for a kid, meet family etc. It’s not the normal mundane stuff that’s key to getting to know each other.

If you met him 4 years ago then you had you baby after you’d been together about 2 years, pregnant after less than 18 months.

You didn’t know him.

I was fairly sure that my DH was the one for me within a few dates. We didn’t have children until we’d been together over 8 years. I grew up in a very chaotic household and didn’t want that.

We’d been through a lot so I really knew him - how he is when I’m bereaved, when I’m sick, when I’m a bitch, when I’m excited etc. I’m also black so him and his family not being at all racist was something I was on the lookout for.

It’s not your fault - it’s your abusers fault. But I do suspect you just didn’t know him before getting serious.