Are they CF’s or am l?

[WhatKatyDidNxt]

In the last year or so increasingly my mum and a friend have accused me of being selfish and not making enough effort. From my side then lm a little tired of always having to go to where they live, do what is of interest to them etc. My mum is also often keen to “suggest” things l need to do e.g. help my auntie move house (my mum isn’t keen to get involved). My friend is of the opinion my life is “very easy” and l always need to accommodate / go to her. She has young children which l don’t understand is very challenging apparently -my partner and l have fertility issues so it would be hard for us to really understand. Currently my mum is in a huff “as l don’t ring her enough” -she rarely rings me. For clarity she is retired, no money or health issues.

Work has been stupidly busy for me since lockdown (lots of 10+ hour days), we are trying to move house, we have fertility issues (we recently found out our round of IVF was an epic failure) and lm waiting for an urgent appointment to a dermatologist -l might have skin cancer. So l have a few things going on. Yep still l get moaned at. My mums response to our IVF issues, was to talk about the latest thing she’s started watching on Netflix . My friend got back to me a few weeks later, after l contacted her about the IVF. Superficially she expressed some interest but that was it really

Nah YANBU. Your friend isn’t a real friend if she can’t support you about your IVF I would stop bothering with her... as for your mum tell her how you feel.

@GinDrinker00 from the friend it’s constant one upmanship. She’s always keen to talk about her own fertility issues which were it taking 6 months to conceive. I’m sorry but that’s really not the same thing of a few years of failing to conceive, fertility drugs, IVF etc. Everything has to be a competition with her and her conclusion is always she has it harder than anyone

Cut your friend out, don't hang about with someone who drains you constantly.

Next time your mum moans just tell her phones work both ways and maintain contact you're happy with.

You have a lot going on, keep your time and energy for those who will support you through it, not bring you down.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Cut your friend out, don't hang about with someone who drains you constantly.

Next time your mum moans just tell her phones work both ways and maintain contact you're happy with.

You have a lot going on, keep your time and energy for those who will support you through it, not bring you down.

Couldn't have put it better! Dump your 'friend', for sure!

Have you said to your mum that the phoning is very one sided? Mine was like this til recently, literally like 4 times in 10 months. She rang all hurt one week to express how unhappy she was with me not having phoned. I fear I was slightly sarcastic back given how infrequently she’d been calling. She’s been a lot better since.

I think your friend isn’t very nice: would it help to go low contact with her?

While I can confirm that having young children is difficult, in particular when I comes to going to see people, that doesn’t really explain the unnecessary one up manship. The only thing I can say is that when people are having a really hard time they sometimes go a bit mad and might not really understand what they are saying/doing (very common after a few years of lost sleep and crazy hormones).

In your place I would distance yourself from your friend, she’s clearly not offering you the same understanding which she seems to expect from you in endless supply. With regards to your mother, she’s being shockingly horrid. I’d just tell her ‘No, I don’t have the capacity for that and it’s not really my responsibility anyway.’ on repeat.

I wouldn't call this CFery on either side. you all are not really that close to each other, and you are all expecting behaviour from the other person that assumes that you are a priority to them when in fact you aren't. you all need to dial down your expectations from one another and maintain a cordial distance.

@Shizzlestix l have told my mum she gets a little better and then slips back into “why didn’t you call me”

Your friend sounds like a drain. Her life might be busy, but yours is too. She sounds selfish and thoughtless.

Your mum is a CF too.

I get this from my mum too. It doesn't matter if we're at death's door or the house is burning, I'm supposed to ring her frequently but not say anything, so she can regale me with her woes. If I try to add anything, I'm told to stop being immature, dramatic or exaggerating. I haven't even told her the last two times I was in hospital, or an upcoming surgery. I feel like it'll be funny to sort of drop it on her all at once someday.

The friend can do one. Anyone who's so bland and lacking in personality to drone on about how 'having children' can't be understood by outsiders isn't worth the energy. I find having kids a delight, they're fun to be with and well-behaved, but people only ever seem to want to whinge about how hard it is.

Both are definitely using you as a sounding board.

Then I think you need to reinforce/make a point. I left it a week then my mum phoned me all hurt, at which point I told her she didn’t have broken fingers and she had my number! A bit harsh, but I don’t see why it should only be me making the effort. Next time you phone, tell her it’s her turn next.

I accidently voted yabu sorry when clearly you are not.
My mum is always doing this...complaining I never call, wen I respond with you never call me neither it seems to fall on deaf years. She seems to manage to ring other people though.

@YinuCeatleAyru the reason l think the are cheekyfuckers are l do make an effort, in our respective relationships l made 90% of the effort. Until recently when l have tried to get to 50/50 which is when a lot of the issues and moaning from them have started. It’s a 2 way street surely?

I do apologise but when I read the complaint that you don't, "..ring her enough." my absolute first response was to snap back, 'Oh, I thought your phone was broken!'
Probably not helpful.

I don't have time for relationships where it's not 50-50. YANBU. I think you should ditch your friend and stop calling your mum. Let her call you. Tell her how you feel.

I rememeber my aunt ringing my mum is a huff saying that she never visits.

My mother said 'the road goes in both directions'.

Tell your mum you will take turns to ring and since you rang her this time it's her turn now. And ditch the friend.

Neither of them take the time to really understand or support you. The friend is someone you can definitely live without.

Explain to your mother that you have a lot going on and will be in touch as much as you can. I bet she doesn’t respond by asking what you have going on or how she can help! Tell her not to volunteer you for tasks, either.

Then be kind to yourself and enjoy a break from running around after them.

Your Mum must shop for phones at the same place as my in-laws. They have these one-way phones too.

"We haven't heard from you in ages, why haven't you rung?"
You could call, MIL, if you wanted to speak to us.

My MIL was like this. We’ve been NC for 3 years now and it’s heaven!

@WendyHoused quite possibly, they must only be able to receive phone calls! All out goings blocked

Friend can be ignored, unless you want to retain the friendship longterm; in which case ease it off for now while you're under so much pressure from everywhere else.

Your mum. Well, as you say it's a 2 way street. You could just keep repeating that exact phrase to her every time she complains.

@Loveinatimeofcovid lm going through a hard time but l can’t just go around doing and saying what l want

Yeah lm going to go low contact with the friend, probably heading to no contact

@TestingTestingWonTooFree exactly, we are all busy. No one has the monopoly on that

I don't think anyone is a CF. You just have different expectations.

I always call my parents on Friday at 7pm. We talk for about 90 minutes and that's us. We sometimes text throughout the week, but basically having a regular thing set up is easier and it's a time that's convenient for both of us. If someone is busy that weekend, we skip it and do it the next week instead. we both have the same expectations so there is no problem. Maybe try and set something like that up with your mum?

I also wonder if your friend is a true friend. Do you feel like she contributes more to your life than she takes away? If not, maybe it's time to ditch her.