Falling out with sibling for affair

[Whitepriv]

I’m trying to be there for my older sister but she is seeing a man who is still living with his wife. He has told her that they are separated but continues to live there to help out with the kids. She’s never met the kids and it sounds massively like BS to me.

I met her yesterday for a social distanced chat and expressed that I don’t think she should be seeing him until he makes a clean break. She’s now furious at me for not supporting her 😫 what would you do?

My husband used to feed women this line when having affairs - “We are separated but I am still living at home because she needs me. She has mental health problems so don’t try getting in touch with her, it will just cause me loads of grief.”

I don’t have any mental health problems. I just didn’t know my husband was having affairs for ten years!

Sorry. In terms of advice... I would just point out that many, many men do this in order to have an affair!

I live with my DCs dad because of the DC (and money). I'd be really disappointing if my boyfriend thought I was up to no good because of it.

Disappointed*

I agree with you OP and would say the same if it were my sibling. The world would be a better place if more people were less accepting of affairs.

Difficult, a newish friend of mine is living with her ex during lockdown and they have a dd together. She classes herself as single but admits they still sleep in the same bed and she often tries to make a move on him after a few drinks but he doesn't reciprocate. Now they could move into separate houses she doesn't want to as dd 4, hasn't ever been in separate houses from either parent.
I think your right that it sounds dodgy but not worth loosing a relationship with your sister for. Just be there for her when the shit hits the fan, it sounds like she won't entertain the idea of him lying at the minute.

I live with my DCs dad because of the DC (and money). I'd be really disappointing if my boyfriend thought I was up to no good because of it. I lived with my eXH for eight months after we split because of waiting for the finances etc to resolve. It would never have occurred to me to start seeing anyone else during that period, and tbh I don’t understand anyone who does, or anyone who enters into a relationship with someone who is still living with their ex. ESP given the numbers of people who are still sharing a bed (we weren’t.)

And let’s be honest, a relationship like that literally has no future. You can never introduce the DC to a new partner, if you do decide to move out then you will have to wait a long time before introducing the DC to said partner. It’s just not workable.

OP I would try to frame it to your sister in this way. Rather than tell her that a lot of men spin this line and are really still with their wives, I would suggest to her that a committed relationship just isn’t going to ever be possible while he’s still living in the same house as his children’s mother. Because he won’t be able to introduce the children into the relationship so it will always be about spending what time together that they can.

What does she want for her future. Does she really want to be his bit on the side (because that’s what she is, even if the relationship is technically over) for the foreseeable future?

I had a friend in a similar situation. She's not a stupid person and in many ways she's pretty cynical.

I can only describe her attitude as wilfully blind because she desperately wanted to be with this person but also maintain her sense of herself as someone who wouldn't have an affair with a man who was married with children.

I wonder if there's a similar dynamic going on here? If so, I have little advice (eventually my friend's situation just played out until she couldn't bear to hang on for him to make the break anymore) other than speaking to her in terms of the reality for their relationship even if what he says is true.

It probably still won't get you anywhere. So then just have to decide whether you can bite your tongue for the sake of your relationship with her and whether you're willing to pick up the pieces of the inevitable ending.

Sorry! Good luck!

Oh I don't know if you can make somebody value themselves more highly.

In my case (not married men) but I had to go through that process of realising I'd been duped/lied to/lead on/mislead repeatedly before I finally cottoned on that you do not believe what men SAY, you pay attention to what they DO.

Very similar to @JustALittleChange - my friend was ‘with’ a man in another relationship for years. He had 2 children with his partner in that time - the second one was the nail in the coffin for my friend. She always protested she wouldn’t be the other woman, but she was for years.

He said the first child was the result of just one night with his ex and they liver together through convenience. When their house went on the market he used it as evidence of them separating, when in actuality fact they were moving to a larger house.
He even convinced his sister to meet my friend, to prove to her he wasn’t lying. In several years of dating, that was the only time she met any of his friends and family.

Despite all of this she just wouldn’t hear that she was the bit on the side. Sometimes people are just ignorant to the truth, for whatever reason and nothing anyone else can say will change their mind. They have to come out of it by their own accord.

Perhaps establish the facts before you give advice. It might sound massively like BS to you, but what id it isn't?

If it is true and not a bullshit line, would that change your attitude to your sister?

It probably isn't true, but it might be.

If she brings it up again, tell her that supporting her doesn’t mean blind agreement with everything she does. Of course it’s ultimately her decision, but there’s no point in pretending you think it’s a good idea. I bet if/when it goes tits up she’ll expect you to listen to what a bastard he was.

Surviving1 Yes, that's what makes it difficult as a friend or relative. We're grown up, sensible people who know that this old familiar story is total, total bullshit 99% of the time, but without barging in and speaking to the 'ex' there's always that 1%.

Unfortunately that is what keeps the other 99% hooked on these men too.

In the OP's sister's position, however, I wouldn't be playing the odds - I'd be firmly suggesting a single pleasant casual chat between me and the ex (about the weather) just so I knew she knew I existed. If that was not forthcoming for [insert reasons] I'd be off, with a parting note to said ex making sure she knew about me anyway so that she could make her own choices with her own eyes open.

Difficult, a newish friend of mine is living with her ex during lockdown and they have a dd together. She classes herself as single but admits they still sleep in the same bed and she often tries to make a move on him after a few drinks but he doesn't reciprocate. Now they could move into separate houses she doesn't want to as dd 4, hasn't ever been in separate houses from either parent.

Your friend is living a lie. She's hoping he stays with her and hasn't accepted they've split up.

Fully agree with you op. It's likely he's still with his wife, and your sibling is aware of that, but doesn't want to accept it.

But why should you support her? You don’t have to if you’re opposed to what she’s doing. Tell he you’re not interested in hearing about it and you’ll talk about anything else.

Justalittlechange that's a great idea! Op I would suggest that to your sister before falling out with her. If she discovers he is a lying cheat (most likely) she will need your support as she genuinely may believe him.