Who's being unreasonable?

[reallyridiculous]

So my mum and dad divorced over 10 years ago (both are now remarried). Admittedly he has been the greatest person I've been none contact with him a few times, I'm also pretty sure he's an alcoholic. According to my mum he was abusive when they were together but being only a toddler I don't remember.

I live at uni during term time and with my mum during holidays (and lockdown) I FaceTime my dad maybe once a week. Last time I spoke to him I was telling him about the fact we are moving house soon, I didn't think this would be an issue. It came up at dinner tonight, and mums really annoyed about the fact I told him. He also isn't regular with maintenance when he needed to pay.

She thinks he's going to snoop and look at the house pictures (but she's putting it on the market). She also said that when I talk to him I need to talk to him about my life not hers, which I do because he simply couldn't care less about what she does. But apparently it's not the same as some stranger looking at the house on right move or whatever. I don't think I should have to leave out things when talking to him because she doesn't like it. Mum also said that because I don't live here full time that it's not part of my life, but I don't live anywhere full time.

Anyway we got into a bit of an argument about it but I'm not sure if I'm the one that's being unreasonable or not?

Your mother is unreasonable. You are free to discuss any aspect of your life. Moving is a part of your life. What you can’t do is report what your mother ate last night or that she went on a date. You could however mention that you met the person your mother has been dating for a year and you like him, because at that point it is a part of your life.

I think your mum is being a bit unreasonable. I could see why it might irk her a bit, but does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? She needs to take how she feels about him and deal with it, not let it overlap in to your life. You are free to tell your own father if you are moving home. If you live with your mother when not at uni, then that is your home 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Purpleartichoke

Your mother is unreasonable. You are free to discuss any aspect of your life. Moving is a part of your life. What you can’t do is report what your mother ate last night or that she went on a date. You could however mention that you met the person your mother has been dating for a year and you like him, because at that point it is a part of your life.

Yes I don't ever tell her personal details to him (not the he would even want to know). Because I wouldn't like that. She then said how would you feel if I told your ex what you were doing, I was like I wouldn't care because I don't care about his opinion and I know he wouldn't care what I'm doing either. It just upset, I know he has his faults but so does she.

I kind of agree with your mum. She doesn't want her abusive ex to know anything about her life. As an abuse survivor myself I get that.

I don’t think she is being unreasonable. And I get where she is coming from. He was abusive to her, you’ve even been NC, she doesn’t want him knowing her business, abused women can still feel like that many many years later. It’s not a case of ‘dealing with it’, trauma cuts deep. And I hope that you understand the gravity when she says he was abusive to her. Something as simple as your abusive ex looking at picture of your private home could make someone feel violated and intruded on. Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean she shouldn’t feel it.

You arguing back basically telling her that you will talk about what you want will make her feel powerless over her privacy. That would have pissed me off too.

You should of just said ‘sorry I didn’t know you felt like that, I don’t mention anything to do with you again.

If he was abusive, then I think little things which wouldn't bother other people, might hit a nerve with her. Maybe he used to pick on her about how she kept the house etc and she can just imagine him getting spiteful and sneery about something in the house. Obviously that is just speculation though. I was never abused, but I was bullied and things which I was bullied for will always out my hackles up.

I don't think you were U to tell him, as you weren't to know, but I also don't think she is U to be upset.

I would think it depends what you want from the relationship with your mother. If you want her to trust you and tell you things then you may have to accept that she is not comfortable with you discussing things involving her with your dad. If you feel this isn’t something you are willing to do she may Feel it necessary to withdraw a bit from your relationship (although obviously she will always be your mum and take care of you). For example she may not introduce you or tell you about a new partner for fear you will share that information.

Yes I understand that the whole abuse thing, but I'm not telling him about her life I'm telling him about the fact that me (as part of the family) am moving.

@RoseTintedAtuin

I would think it depends what you want from the relationship with your mother. If you want her to trust you and tell you things then you may have to accept that she is not comfortable with you discussing things involving her with your dad. If you feel this isn’t something you are willing to do she may Feel it necessary to withdraw a bit from your relationship (although obviously she will always be your mum and take care of you). For example she may not introduce you or tell you about a new partner for fear you will share that information.

Yes I understand that, I think we have a good relationship now however I know lockdown is getting to us both, I just feel like she trying to control my life even down to the people I talk to and what I talk to them about.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to tell him because, as you said, "we are moving house". If only your mum was moving house and you didn't live with her then I think it would be more acceptable for her to want you to keep it from him but only because of the abusive background.
In general, I think parents put too much on their children when they split up and I don't think you should have to censor what you say.

@reallyridiculous

Yes I understand that the whole abuse thing, but I'm not telling him about her life I'm telling him about the fact that me (as part of the family) am moving.

Yes, YOU are moving, but the fact that he knows the house is on the market, worries her because she thinks it will offer him a window into HER house.

I don't think you were U not to think of that and just tell him, but she also isn't U not to like it, imo.

reallyridiculous she’s is trying to control her own life and that includes information about what she is doing.

It’s not wrong that you told your dad as you wasn’t aware of how she felt. But you could have rectified it quickly by apologising and telling her you understand and so t do it again.

Why is a battle? Why do her feelings not count?

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite

I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to tell him because, as you said, "we are moving house". If only your mum was moving house and you didn't live with her then I think it would be more acceptable for her to want you to keep it from him but only because of the abusive background. In general, I think parents put too much on their children when they split up and I don't think you should have to censor what you say.

Well yes this would apply to a child but the OP isn’t. If her mother had asked her to apply privacy to her life - as an adult the OP should respect that. Rather than battling back ‘I’ll talk about what I want’

I also agree with your mum. You don’t seem to take the fact that was she abused very seriously OP.

I know he has his faults but so does she.

But she’s the one putting a roof over your head with not much maintenance from your father so maybe show a bit more loyalty to her don’t mention her new house to him.

It's not a battle and her feeling do count, but all my lift it's been tit for tat between them she hates anything I tell him if the whole family is involved. She hates the fact that I'm back in contact with him. While I respect her feelings and will be more careful how I say things and what I say I'm not going to alter my relationship with him because she doesn't like it.

I am always apologising for telling him about stuff going on in my life because she thinks it's a step to far. I feel like she's trying to make it so tricky for me to talk about anything with him that I'll go NC with him again.

@Cadent

I also agree with your mum. You don’t seem to take the fact that was she abused very seriously OP.

I know he has his faults but so does she.

But she’s the one putting a roof over your head with not much maintenance from your father so maybe show a bit more loyalty to her don’t mention her new house to him.

The reason it doesn't seem like i don't take it seriously is because she had told me for years she never stopped me seeing him and a few months ago I found a letter that stayed different, so I think I stopped trusting her.

I am very loyal to her, but just because her relationship with him was different to mine shouldn't mean I have to alter mine with him.

I can sort of relate to your mum because my ex tries to winkle information out of my daughter all the time about things which are none of his business and it makes me quite anxious.

You’re right that you should be free to discuss any aspects of your life with him and she can’t really stop you. But it’s worth trying to see it from her perspective and be a bit sensitive about how it could impact her.

@reallyridiculous

It's not a battle and her feeling do count, but all my lift it's been tit for tat between them she hates anything I tell him if the whole family is involved. She hates the fact that I'm back in contact with him. While I respect her feelings and will be more careful how I say things and what I say I'm not going to alter my relationship with him because she doesn't like it.

I am always apologising for telling him about stuff going on in my life because she thinks it's a step to far. I feel like she's trying to make it so tricky for me to talk about anything with him that I'll go NC with him again.

I doubt it’s because she is trying to stop you speaking to him. It just probably really fucks her off you still do.

Dd1(25) was still in contact with her dad. And that used to fuck me off. He was shit at picking her up when he was supposed to, never gave me a penny in maintenance, was horrible to me when I was with him, I did all the parenting and important stuff, looked after her when she was ill. I was there all the time but she still loved him. So sometimes it felt like bit of a kick in the tits.

I argued a lot with my dd1 between 17-19 I’m the end I asked her to move out and get a house share. She was an adult she could look after self. We have a very close relationship now because we both respect each other as adults

What did the letter say?

Yes I do understand that and I'm looking at moving out permanently because when I'm at uni our relationship is so much better. I am extremely grateful for her as she has done everything bringing me up wise.

I just feel like I always have to cater for her feelings about it yet she doesn't seem to acknowledge or cater for my feeling around the subject

Respect the wishes of the person who has brought you up and continues to put a roof over your head - versus the maintenance dodging, abusive, alcoholic who you yourself have occasionally gone non-contact with.

Really?

My SIL does this frequently, in fact she seems to revel in telling each parent stuff about the other, and then lets them know that she's told the other. We thought this was something she might grown out of but at 35 she's still doing it. It's a really unpleasant character trait.

I think you're being unreasonable OP, and I'm sorry because it's kind of understandable. I think if you've not been abused then its actually really hard to imagine how panicky and sick even thinking about your abuser can make you. Getting away from abusers is really difficult and even if he doesnt give a shit what your mums up to now, in her head, every time you mention him, the panic and fear and humiliation will come rushing back. Of course its horrible for her that you're in contact with him. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be, be she wouldn't be human if she was absolutely fine with that.

Can you imagine being attacked and your friends carried on socialising with your attacker because they didn't want to take sides and they hadn't been attacked personally? How do you think you would feel, genuinely, if they mentioned things about them but that happened to involve you as well? Would you feel scared that they knew where to target you again? Would you feel like you were being violated again knowing they had this personal information about you that wasnt in the public realm but just put up with it because the details of a night out or a holiday etc that heavily involved you were being shared without your consent?

I don't think you're being unreasonable and I dont think she is, but I do think you might have to try and work harder to put yourself in her shoes and truly imagine how she feels. Because her need to feel safe probably trumps your need to share that she is buying a new house for example, in my opinion

@OoohTheStatsDontLie

I think you're being unreasonable OP, and I'm sorry because it's kind of understandable. I think if you've not been abused then its actually really hard to imagine how panicky and sick even thinking about your abuser can make you. Getting away from abusers is really difficult and even if he doesnt give a shit what your mums up to now, in her head, every time you mention him, the panic and fear and humiliation will come rushing back. Of course its horrible for her that you're in contact with him. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be, be she wouldn't be human if she was absolutely fine with that.

Can you imagine being attacked and your friends carried on socialising with your attacker because they didn't want to take sides and they hadn't been attacked personally? How do you think you would feel, genuinely, if they mentioned things about them but that happened to involve you as well? Would you feel scared that they knew where to target you again? Would you feel like you were being violated again knowing they had this personal information about you that wasnt in the public realm but just put up with it because the details of a night out or a holiday etc that heavily involved you were being shared without your consent?

I don't think you're being unreasonable and I dont think she is, but I do think you might have to try and work harder to put yourself in her shoes and truly imagine how she feels. Because her need to feel safe probably trumps your need to share that she is buying a new house for example, in my opinion

I do understand that, I guess I just wish it was different. We clash a lot and maybe I am taking it to personally. Lately she's been really picking at me so I wonder if I'm just pissed off about that. Idk I just wish she knew how it felt when she goes off on one because she says deliberate things to hurt me.

But I do understand, thank you for helping me understand

Oohthestatsdontlie has nailed it here by turning it around to putting yourself in your mum’s shoes for a moment, as a victim of abuse. I can see why you feel you should be able to be open with your dad about your life but I personally don’t mention anything to do with my mum to my dad. If he specifically asks how she is I say she’s fine thanks and there’s not even any background of abuse, I just know she hates him knowing her business.

@reallyridiculous

Yes I understand that the whole abuse thing, but I'm not telling him about her life I'm telling him about the fact that me (as part of the family) am moving.

The abuse thing???

Not sure you do understand it