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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to resent my husband so often for...

23 replies

bcsnowpea · 29/09/2007 08:56

...going out at night?

We live in Canada, because he's Canadian, and I have no family or friends around. Our son is 10 months, and all the people I've met over here are parents, so I can't just ring them up and go for a drink when I get bored.

DH spends a lot of time with DS and I, but then some nights he goes out, and DH is in bed, and I have not a feckin' thing to do and the 'poor me' ringing in my head (which I'm trying desperately to get rid of) wonders why I have to sit on my arse bored and loney, while he goes drinking with mates three or four times a week.

I know I should be more proactive in getting out (and we are moving home soon so I'll be around friends and family again), and I know that most of the complaints running through my head are my own problem, but aren't I just a little bit reasonable in resenting him (especially right now when it's 1am and he's not home, when all I got before he left for work was 'I might be going out tonight.')

Yeah that was a rant, just what I needed. I may have mentioned I was bored...

OP posts:

kittywits · 29/09/2007 09:02

That's crappy and unfair of him. Why doesn't he take you out?

Original poster

bcsnowpea · 29/09/2007 09:05

he does. well, to dinner sometimes.
Oooh! and he's home now and it turns out he snuck home and grabbed his phone. I thought it went missing. Why the hell would you come home, get changed and not say hello.

I'm seething, but being passive aggressive. Really should SAY something and get it out of my system instead of posting,

OP posts:

belgo · 29/09/2007 09:06

you need to try and get your own social life.

And organise nights out for the both of you to look forward to.

I don't think he should stop going out, that will make him resentful. But it's probably a good idea for him to tell you what time he will get home, and for you both to agree on it.

belgo · 29/09/2007 09:06

maybe he thought you were asleep?

tribpot · 29/09/2007 09:11

He seems to have fallen into the male trap of thinking it's your job to look after ds 24*7. "I might be going out tonight"? Oh, might you? So might I! Three or four times a week sounds a lot to me.

Not unreasonable for him to go out sometimes, but certainly not unreasonable for you to do the same. Just requires planning and agreement from both parties, not him announcing his plans to you.

strawberry · 29/09/2007 09:17

As well as organising your own social life and a joint one, he needs to realise that this is upsetting you.

DH and I both understand that there is a limit to going out and DH has suggested his own limit of once a fortnight, although this is in addition to 'work' events of which he has plenty! Agree with Belgo - he needs to make his own decisions but with consideration to his family. Do you think he is 'adjusting' to family life? It took us a long time to get to this stage post-children.

The sneaking in to get changed is odd though. Did he suspect he'd be in trouble?

Acinonyx · 29/09/2007 10:01

3-4 times a week without you seems a lot to me too - I'd be pretty resentful IIWY. Sounds like he has not really adjusted to family life.

Are there any other mums that would like to go out some evenings? I'm planning to go to the cinema with another mum one night soon (dd is 2 so it has taken a long time to get around to it).

BandofMothers · 29/09/2007 10:09

3 or 4 timesa week is quite a lot for a single person IMO, let alone someone with a family. Start going out even if it's the cinema on your pown just so he see's what it's like sitting at home on your own.
He should be there more it's not fair to bugger off out so often leaving you at home. Does he still think he's single????

BandofMothers · 29/09/2007 10:11

Or find a yoga class, or a pottery class, or something, then go for coffee afterwards. Or a book club, or go swimming.

As someone who gets little opportunity to go out, I know how you feel.

fedupwasherwoman · 29/09/2007 10:19

If you have a local sports centre or health club/gym you could develop the need to get fit. Our local sports scentre also has a sauna and steam room in the swimming pool complex. If you have anything like that near you you could insist that you have your turn too at "going out" at least once a week.

It sounds like having to take turns at going out will be good for your dh as he is being somewhat thoughtless and selfish at the moment.

belgo · 29/09/2007 10:20

I agree with BoM about getting a hobby or something.

I suspect bcsnowpea has now gone to bed.

Bouncingturtle · 29/09/2007 10:29

I know you said that most of the friends you know are parents, but has it occurred to you that some of the mums might be in the same boat? i would definitely approach them and ask if they want to organise a girls night and leave the menfolk to watch the kids for a change. Am on your behalf at your DH going out 3-4 a week and even more at him sneaking in and out! I think you need to sit down and talk to him about how you feel about this, and ensure that you are getting some "me time". You deserve it.

BandofMothers · 29/09/2007 10:41

Gosh Belgo, she was up late then, unless she is west coast, then i guess is only 1am, at 9am here.

belgo · 29/09/2007 11:23

she says in her first post it's '1 am here'

Original poster

bcsnowpea · 30/09/2007 07:39

Sorry everybody, I did go to bed. It was a good idea as some anonymous person rang my mobile at 5am and woke up DS. Good times!

Well, I made it pretty clear to dh how bad it made me feel that he didn't say hello when he came in to get his phone. He made some excuses then went to sleep. This morning though, he got up and was with ds, letting me sleep in for two hours. He also apologised quite sincerely, which was very nice of him. We actually had a great day together, watching three of the world cup matches.

Anyway, thank you for all your replies. You're right, I do need to assert my right to spend some time away from the house, but sometimes I just forget that I do have that right, and often i can't think of anything to do. The ideas that have been put forward here are very helpful. I'm tempted to pop down to the cinemas sometime this week, even if it's just on my own. I get a lot of alone time when ds sleeps, but it's not the same is it?

Anyway, all very helpful and I'm sorry I left you hanging. I'm going to try my hardest to get out this week, I'll let you know how your helpful hints have been.

OP posts:

ProfYaffle · 30/09/2007 08:15

I feel for you bcsnowpea, I really do. I was in a similar situation when I moved in with dh pre-kids. I moved 250 miles away from my friends and family so didn't have a social life of my own and dh was going out/away for weekends a lot. It was a horribly stressful time for me so, no, I don't think YABU. It was almost a 'deal breaker' on the relationship.

I joined a walking group and signed up for a few classses and dh agreed to make his weekends away at a time when I had access to other stuff to do. He also made an effort to introduce me to his friends and their partners.

However, this was pre-kids, once we had dd1 he cut back his social life hugely - because he wanted to, not because I nagged him into it. If he was going out 3 or 4 times per week now and leaving me home alone with the dd's, I'd be furious.

Judy1234 · 30/09/2007 09:01

Never follow men. It's very sexist and usually doesn't work. Make them follow your career. Then these issues don't arise. Also never give up full time work and then you will have colleagues etc .
Don't marry sexist men and ensure before marriage any man will be fair at home etc

kittywits · 30/09/2007 14:21

That's a good ideas xenia

kittywits · 30/09/2007 14:21

good idea

belgo · 30/09/2007 15:37

Xenia - I think if a woman moves to a new country 'following' her man (or if he follows her for that matter) - it's a good adea for the spouse doing the following to also be able to work in that country.

I didn't 'follow' my dh to Belgium - I got a place on a dutch course, sorted out registration and got a job here - and then married him

I do see spouses follow their partner and I've seen people become very depressed because of it.

It's one thing to choose to be a stay at home mum, it's totally another thing to be forced to be a SAHM because you can't speak the language or if you can't get a visa or if you haven't got a job that transfers easily.

NadiaBaggyTwat · 30/09/2007 15:51

Wh don't you take home studying bcs?

purpleduck · 30/09/2007 15:53

oh BC, I feel for you! Yes, he is going out too much, and its not fair!! Do you live in a big town or small one?
I am from Alberta (very small town!!) but now live in the uk. I have only had kids while i've been here, so i don't really know what its like raising kids in Canada, but from what I can see from my sister, there is not nearly as much to do as there as there is here (unless you are in a big town) Also, small towns just don't have as much in the way of classes/hobbies etc, and sometimes the distances are too great to drive (esp in the winter). I feel for you!!
He has to stay home more! How about getting an evening job? Just to meet people? Some places have "moms time Out" or similar to Mothers and toddlers. Are you sporty? I know at home much of the social events seem to be based around baseball/ curling, whatever. May not be you cup of tea, but would get you mingling. Book clubs?
Good luck.

Original poster

bcsnowpea · 30/09/2007 19:00

All good ideas! We're actually moving back home in November, when he'll be staying at home and I'll be heading back to work! We're moving back so that I can go back to study in March. I guess in about a month I'll have a lot to do.

I have been spending a lot of time studying while I'm at home, just to get my brain working again, but it's been a personal thing, so I've not really been interacting with anyone else.

Anyway, I wonder if he'll feel similarly towards me when he's staying at home with ds and in a new country? I hope not.

We've both been talking about taking up activities together, yoga or something, now that we'll have many more babysitters around

OP posts:

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