To say more should be done to stop romance scammers

[nctoday1]

I was really upset to find out that my best friend, an intelligent and amazing woman had fallen victim to a prolific con artist who pretended to be someone else and took money from her.

This man has now been arrested but now I know his real identity and have looked him up online, I can see lots of articles about him and that he's been to prison already for these kind of crimes and he's had convictions for scamming dozens of vulnerable women. He was breaching restrictions to stop him having extra computers and phones, but it didn't stop him scamming my friend and other woman at the same time. He'd even been in trouble for getting hold of phones and contacting new targets from prison.

I think more needs to be done to stop this kind of thing. I was suspicious of him as he told stories about himself I thought were probably made up, but I couldn't find anything out about him because he wasn't using his real name.

It's one of those things where you think it'd never happen to you or you know you're suspicious of strangers and think you could never fall victim. But my friend was exactly the sort of person you'd think this wouldn't happen to, but the man spent a long time convincing her of his fake identity before he moved in and started taking money from her.

Is there anything you think can or should be done to prevent people like this from continuing with their vile scams? I'm angry and upset to see the effect this has had on my friend and she's just one of many victims of this con man and there are many others like him.
Does anyone know if there's anything already where identifying pictures of romance scammers and con artists can be checked?

I think romance scamming is a form of abuse for the way it messes up the victims mind.

I know someone who knows she was scammed and he went to jail for it, and knows he had done it to loads of women before but still on some level thinks he loved her and misses him and has tried to find him.

Like other abusers he really did a number on her and messed her up. He's had practice and he's reallllly good at conning women.

@ginandbearit and then the man in Africa will arrange to visit your friend in the uk but will lose his passport or can't afford the journey. Your friend will be hooked by then and will, hopefully not, fall for it.

The thing is it's not a young man behind the screen but a team of people working together.

I think it's a real shame that people pray on people who are vulnerable.

I know it's obviously a massive red flag if someone asks for money and it would have set off alarm bells with me. She didn't tell me he was asking her for money until after he was arrested. The problem is these con artists pick out people who's weak spot is being lonely and desperate to find mr right. Like pps have said, that's not everyone's weakness - it wouldn't be mine but there could have been something else that is mine and I could have fallen for. It could happen to anyone and I think there's a bit of a false sense of security in thinking it would never happen to you.

Yanbu, however I can see it's hard to police, generally people need to be very wary of strangers they meet online.

I've been on OLD and whilst I've never been scammed financially, I've definitely been emotionally abused, lied to, strung along by people with nothing better to do than start fake relationships.

There’s not a record of romance scammers. And most likely it wouldn’t work as most of them use fake names and photos anyway. Also even if there were - would people really be in the habit of checking it? If you were taken in enough to give someone money then most likely it wouldn’t have occurred to you that it may be a scam.
I agree they’re absolutely devastating and it’s very upsetting when they happen. Especially when the person is very vulnerable. However I think all that can be done is to educate on the tell tale signs of scammers and not to send money etc.

Run a mile if someone is asking a relatively new date for money. Surely they have family, friends or banks they could go to before asking a new date?

I mean, the list of people I'd give money to is maybe about six people long, includes both my parents, the man I married, my sister and my best friends.

Maybe I'm just a hard nosed bitch who wouldn't lend ANYONE money! I mean, my money is all accounted for by MY plans. Hell, I don't even borrow from myself - Future me won't loan to Present me. There's no room in there for some newb to catch a loan, and I find it very hard to believe that there's grooming that would override that innate selfishness!

(I agree with a poster up thread that there's almost certainly a scam I could fall for, but helping out a relative stranger isn't the right string for this puppet!)

I don't think it's victim blaming per se. More accepting that there are types of people who are susceptible to this and there are things we all need to know. As I said before - criminals are going to criminal, one way or another.

I can see why you are upset for your friend OP. There are usually massive holes in their stories though, so it is hard to see why someone would fall for it. They do pick their targets.

I still think there's a lot of victim blaming going on here, and also a refusal to see that scammers are generally speaking very clever manipulators. The thing to remember is the scammer doesn't say "give me money" straight off the bat (or only very rarely). There's usually a long elaborate process of building trust and grooming the mark.

A few weeks of the fun stuff. Lots of mirroring (oh, you like that band... so do I. You've been to XYZ? Wow, I had such a terrific time when I went there. You really want to go to ABC? So do I.) Then the "opening up" phase about more emotionally deep bits of life. This is the point where he drops in that his sister is ill (in country without public health service). He's so worried about sister. He's sending a few hundred quid to cover her co-pays. [What a nice guy, the mark thinks.]

But it's all okay because he's got this new client lined up (he's self employed). [Great, thinks the mark, a man who's financially savvy and not a cock-lodger.] He sends his sister a few hundred more on the strength of this. [Cool, again, what a nice guy. This one's a keeper.] Bad news - his sister's condition is worse than they thought, not sure the treatment's going to work. Possibly accompanied by tragic photo of her in hospital on his facebook page or whatever. [Mark is very worried, offers loads of emotional support, scammer seems so, so grateful. Mark does not realise it's a stock photo he's downloaded.] Bit of good news at least, the work for the new client has gone so well - he's going to get a big pay off. Sister gets accepted for experimental treatment programme.

Oh no, new client isn't paying bill. Going to have to take him to court. [Mark is angry on scammer's behalf - nothing like a bit of "forced teaming."] And now it turns out that the experimental programme's being discontinued. But it seemed to be working. Sister wants to pay for drug out of own pocket, but it's really expensive. If only the client had paid up, scammer could have paid for it for her. God isn't it shit when things just happen at the wrong time...?

And then... request for money. [But his sister's life is on the line, and it's not like he's asking for it for himself...]

As Abraham Lincoln didn't actually say: “You can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.” I still reckon with the right trigger and the right unfortunate concatenation of circumstances, anyone can fall for a scammer.

But there has been a lot of publicity about these types of scams so I’m surprised people still fall for them.

My bank just brought in anti-scam checks. When you transfer money, you have to state what your relationship is with the person, and if you say 'friend/family', it asks you how well you know them, because it could be a scam. Obviously there's a limit to what banks can do, and they're covering themselves, but at least it's a start.

I agree OP.

Look up "Tiny" Bannister, Lancashire. Subject of Channel 4's Love Rats from Hell. A very unsophisticated gentleman indeed..... and the perfect tribal cover.

The victim visited him in prison before he was released for "assault" - a bouncer victimised for just doing his job of course, but really inside for his previous fraud. But because of his rights, no-one could warn her. He lines up multiple marks while in prison and no-one can stop him apparently - maybe the law has tightened since then, who knows.

He was very convincing. (PS. I was not the victim).

@DianasLasso I think there are enough of these scams around that any of the examples you just gave would sound like bullshit to me!

It does surprise me that people still fall for it. That’s not to say I don’t feel sorry for them!

@DianasLasso I think you summed it up brilliantly in your post. The thing that makes me think anyone can fall for this is that someone who goes to the trouble of living a fake life is very invested in what they're doing and will spend a long time building up trust with the victim. It's not asking for money, they wait until there seems to be a deep connection and then ask to borrow, not have the money. In the situation my friend has just been in, it was making her feel (but never stating it) as though she'd be a terrible person to not help. She believed that because she could, it was the right thing to do.
She is a lot more trusting than I am generally and she took a massive liking to the guy whereas I thought he was arrogant and obnoxious.
I'm sure some con artists are better than others at keeping their stories straight. I picked up on some discrepancies but he probably got confused because he was pretending several different people to different women at the same time.

Similar has happened to my friend twice one after the other. Fortunately she didn't hand cash over. I was immediately suspicious both times as both millionaires, widowed, working abroad, wanted to live with her before even meeting. She even sent one a picture of me and he he said SHE looked beautiful ( shes is fair, I'm not) neither could spell or use grammar to a degree that even dyslexic me noticed.

It was shocking how they work. I think she still holds some belief they was real, despite asking for 20k.

It's horrible. Like watching a car crash in slow motion. You raise your concerns but when it comes out your mouth you sound bitter and jealous ( I was wondering why I just couldn't be happy for her at some points) so even I doubted my instincts. I read up a lot on it and even most intelligent business woman get sucked in

@Rainbowqueeen

Honestly op I think it comes down to people educating themselves about good healthy relationships

I would never give money to a boyfriend of several months even where we had known each other in person for all the time. It’s really not long enough and the fact that he even asked would set off all kinds of alarm bells

That to me is something that a good person in a loving healthy relationship but one that has not reached the commitment of marriage yet would ever ask their partner to do.

There needs to be a mindset change. There was a thread on here recently about how being single needs to be seen as a valid choice. People also need to vet prospective partners and have firm boundaries and expectations. There’s a great reddit sub called female dating strategy which has lots of info about that kind of thing. It also talks about working on yourself to make sure you’re in the right place to think about getting into a relationship.

I do feel for your friend. It must be horrible and she is clearly a lovely trusting person.

This. There are so many, too, who rush into living together without talking about money and then find out he's a scammer/tightfisted moocher, because so many are conditioned not to talk about money, to be nice, to believe things will 'work out', and most of all that some man is better than no man and being single means utterly despairing loneliness. This works both ways, men who are recently widowed are easy marks for scammers.

@ginandbearit

A friend is being ensnared right now..he's a lonely 65 yr old gay Christian man , troubled and seeking a spiritual and physical relationship .He's been hurt badly and taken advantage of before by younger men , but now is deeply 'in love ' with very handsome young American airman stationed in Africa ...they met via a Christian dating site and have lots of long emails about God and religion, but already this character has started using manipulative techniques to keep my friend on tenterhooks .No requests for money yet, but petulance and silent treatment over minor disagreements until my friend pleads forgiveness . The photo this guy sent was of a young , chiseled jawed very handsome man in uniform. Lotsnof alarm bells ringing..talk of a future together , plans for holidays.. We're staging an intervention on Sunday!

@ginandbearit There's only one USAF base in all of Africa, in Djibouti and it's fairly small, so long odds that it's an actual airman. It's a classical military romance scam. Direct your friend to this

www.army.mil/socialmedia/scams/

and this:

www.military.com/spouse/military-life/military-romance-scams-are-you-target.html

American military personnel serving overseas are quite well paid and do not have to spend their own money on transport home, to request leave, etc.

If you have the picture of the scammer do a reverse image search on it using google. You may be able to identify where it came from.

@nctoday1 how much did he actually get from her?

For that much work and commitment to the con, he must have been looking for thousands. Otherwise it wouldn’t be worth the effort would it? For a con artist I mean!

My niece worked in victim support for the police force and ended up supporting many women who had been scammed. She never shared details just that they were intelligent women who were just very lonely and desperate for a relationship. I have a couple of friends who when we reached our thirties we’re getting desperate to have dc, all judgement seemed to go out the window. The predatory can literally small desperation and low self esteem. I worked with DV charities a few years ago. Women that came to the shelter would name the same men over and over, it happened many times.

There will always be the broken hearted and there will always be scammers all we can do is teach women that a relationship with a man is not the be all and end all in life but that it’s a great bonus.

That’s really sad @Valkadin.

If it was an easy thing to stop or manage, I assume it would be done by now. The problem is how on earth do you stop someone making a fake identity ? The romance side aside, good scammers are so brilliantly clever. If they change name and identity every time they hit a new victim, there is no way of telling who they are going to become.

I had a friend who was regularly scammed when we were on holiday together. I remember one incident when we were approached by two men, in a bar, who started chatting to us. The scam was for free drinks and then see what they could get. The spoke Spanish to each other and I speak Spanish so understood what they were saying to each other. I tried to tell my friend who replied that I was just jealous because they were giving her more attention than me (because I was not responding to the con).

TBH we are not friends anymore. She showed me what she thought of me, that I was this jealous friend trying to stop her having fun.

Unfortunately he got an amount around £5,000 from my friend but he's conned lots of other women for similar and some for a lot more, like tens of thousands

Tbh the internet scams are so widely talked about that I fail to see how people actually get sucked into those...

RL scams are of course different because you are in touch with an actual person, iyswim.

OP how did your friend find out it was a scam?

@nctoday1 oh god that is a lot! I don’t suppose there’s a way to recoup it at all?