To expect to have an idea?

[Flipped]

NC as he knows I post on here.

Backstory: This guy (let's call him Jay) and I dated 16 years ago for a couple of months. I ended it because I was stupid and worried he'd want to break up with me due to every other single guy I'd dated cheating and leaving, leaving me very humiliated and I was scared.
I really liked him a lot and he did me.

In time, I got into a relationship (I tried leaving again but he stayed) that lasted 10 years. Had a couple of kids and was planning on marriage, but he cheated on me a few months after my youngest was born.
I became a single mum and still going strong 5 years later.

Now, I ran into Jay in a supermarket a couple of months ago and it set off sparks within me. We had a 5 minute chat but I had to go. We have each other on Facebook so I messaged him and apologised for needing to leave and I hoped I didnt come off as rude.
We replied back and forth for a while, then I asked him if he wanted to meet up. He said yes, so a couple days later, we did. I asked him what he is looking for and he said he wanted to see how it goes.

Since then, we have met up a few more times in the past 3 weeks when my kids are at their dads. I feel like a giddy teen again! I cannot stop thinking about Jay at all. We act like a couple when together and text every day we aren't.
I would like to make a go of it. I've thought of asking him what we are, but I dont want to risk being rejected and humiliated again.
Would a month be enough time to ask?
How do people do dating these days?

AIBU to want to know and ask, or should I give it more time?

Give it more time, a month is really not that long at all for either of you to know if you’d be compatible in a relationship or to properly know one another

@BoggledBudgie thank you for your input. I feel like I know him as in this short time we have shared a lot and i feel so comfortable around him. But often finding myself asking if that's normal! I can feel myself falling, but at the same time I feel like completely clueless at this.

Bumping this up as I'd like to get more opinions on this matter and maybe some personal experiences to how long it took you to have the what are we/define the relationship talk? And how did you know?

My last relationship started off very quick. At 4 months I got pregnant and he moved in pretty much straight after.
All my other relationships before him only lasted around 3 months but that was when I was young and assumed that as soon as you started dating, you were instantly partners. I just thought that's how it worked.
A friend of mine recently brought it to my attention that it doesn't work like that!
I'm so confused

Are you absolutely sure that he is single and available?

@verypeckish yes, 100%. I'm now curious as to why you asked?

I'd wait a bit longer...
Basically until you 2 have sex. Then you can ask him if he is sleeping with anyone else, that's a good way of making sure you are exclusive and you arent going to catch anything.
Once you know your exclusive its easier for the relationship to progress so you know where you stand

What? Don't you find out where you stand before you have sex?

Yes exactly that, have the convo before you have sex. That normally gives plenty of time to get to know someone before your getting intimate with them

@Summercamping 🤷‍♀️ I was young! Didn't know that it didn't work like that. I only started questioning it after my friend said you're supposed to casually date for a while before even thinking about the whole relationship thing.

@Soph88888 how long is the norm before you should start having sex?? I was hoping for it to be soon! Ugh I'm hopeless at this.

I’ve been in practically exclusive relationships with people for upwards of six months and never had ‘the chat’ — they just weren’t important enough to me to lock down, even if I want actually seeing anyone else. When I met my husband, we had the conversation after a month; we were already in love, already knew it was serious, already knew that we didn’t want to see anyone else. We were together for 7 years after that. I haven’t dated anyone since we broke up, but the premise remains the same: when it’s right, it’s right. The conversation will happen, and it will be driven by both of you. There’s no need to rush.

And btw, I would never have the relationship conversation before I had sex with someone. Why be exclusive with someone before you know if you’re sexually compatible?? Madness.

Everyones different and you obviously know him already so you know his intention isnt just to have sex and then dump you...
I usually wait until I'm at a point that I would feel completely comfortable taking my clothes off in front of them with the lights on or during daylight lol!
That's been usually between 3-6 months or 12+ dates. I'm very careful because I want to make sure I like them enough to want to be intimate, be sure they arent sleeping with anyone else at that point, and that they have invested in the relationship enough to respect me more than it just being about sex.. obvs some men who were just into sex didnt make it to that stage as they weren't happy to wait lol!
But everyone is different and like I said you know him already for a very long time. Maybe give it a few more dates and see how intimate you guys get, try hand holding and kissing and when you feel the time is right just have a chilled Convo about being sure if you are going to have sex that you dont want to sleep with him if hes sleeping with other people, that wouldn't feel right for you. And hopefully he says he hasnt been and you 2 can be exclusive lol+

@flipped I wasn't judging, but it's been quite some time since I dated and I always thought it made sense to know where I stood first. Probably that's out of date now. Each to their own

@LondonCrone and @Soph88888 thank you both, I feel like just diving in! I'm always very impulsive without thinking about the things that could go wrong, so it's taking a lot to think of being slow. I'll slow it down a lot though, he is worth it. I am enjoying the butterflies!

@Summercamping no worries, I didn't feel judged. My reply was a bit more "meh, it happened as I was a thought she knew it all teen". It does make sense to know where you stand before diving in. Thank you!