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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Comments on family funeral

20 replies

Jaeson · 17/07/2020 08:51

Hi. A friend of mine took it upon herself to tell me that I shouldn’t even be thinking of going to my Aunt’s funeral next week. She told me that it’s irresponsible and I shouldn’t put my my dc at risk by going and then potentially bringing back the virus with me.

My aunt, who was only 52, died unexpectedly last month. She has a husband and 2 children who are who are only 10 and 14, similar ages to my dc (I had my dc young aunt had hers later on in life) so needless to say our whole family are devastated and feel especially for the children. They live at the opposite side of the country so it’ll be a good 3 hour journey and I will be staying overnight in the same hotel as my parents, brother, aunt, cousins etc. We are all staying in separate rooms, all travelling in our own cars, the church is able to socially distance everyone and if we have a meal together whilst there we will split off into groups.

I get that I’m fortunate that I can go to my aunt’s funeral when countless families haven’t been able to say goodbye to their loved ones. But my friend made me feel really guilty about this and that I’m being reckless to even consider going. I’m not stupid and will talking all the necessary precautions, won’t be hugging anyone, even though it’ll kill me not to etc. This isn’t the first time this friend of mine has berated me for various things she doesn’t agree with, she’s very judgmental. Really don’t need it at the moment.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 17/07/2020 08:56

Tell her to mind her own business. Ask her why she fees she has the right to comment on your life choices and tell her to Piss of.

Sorry about your aunt Flowers.

FourTeaFallOut · 17/07/2020 09:00

Tell her to fuck off. What makes her think she has any place to speak to you like this?

Jaeson · 17/07/2020 09:02

I was very tempted believe me. If she mentions it again I’ll be telling her where to go as I’m an emotional mess at the moment anyway and haven’t the patience for her. I’ve known her for years and she’s always been a bit highly strung and a tad judgmental. But the last year or so she has got worse. Don’t get me wrong she can be lovely and has helped me out and been there for me on many occasions but when she’s on one she can be a nightmare.

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 17/07/2020 09:07

I’m sadly in the same situation @Jaeson. I am ignoring the judgemental people and will be going. It’s within guidance. No one can tell you how to grieve. If you fall out over this I think it would not be a bad thing, given that it sounds like you’re not really finding it a good healthy friendship.

Jaeson · 17/07/2020 09:11

I don’t blame you. To me my friend is very stern and a bit heartless to be honest. I know she thinks I’m overly emotional but I’d rather that than be a heartless cow. At least it shows I care.

OP posts:
Boomclaps · 17/07/2020 09:18

Ducking hell. What an arse.
If any of my friends needed to go to any funeral let alone to go to a young family members surely You’d offer to help not judge 🤯

Hope you’re ok op

MrBennsshop · 17/07/2020 09:22

Bearing in mind that it is now considered perfectly acceptable to attend social venues such as pubs and restaurants, it's astonishingly crass of your friend to tell you not to go to a close family member's funeral.

It will mean the world to the bereaved family that you are going.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 17/07/2020 09:23

I'm very sorry for your loss Flowers and pleased that so many of you can attend the funeral, albeit with social distancing.

Maybe your judgemental friend is very anxious about Covid but surely she can understand that the church and all of you are taking all possible precautions. If she continues with her judgements then maybe tell her that if she cannot be supportive at such a heartbreaking time, that you need to take a break from her.

If she was purely anxious I could probably get over it but if she is judgemental a lot then maybe you don't need her around dragging you down ever.

frumpety · 17/07/2020 09:24

Just because she has an opinion , it doesn't mean she is right.

IamMaz · 17/07/2020 09:29

We [me, DH & DS] went to the funeral of my MIL in the middle of June - it was 330 miles away and no overnight accommodation was available back then!!!
We managed it in a day - not easy but we did it.
Only 10 allowed at graveside too.

Ignore your friend.

Saz12 · 17/07/2020 09:34

I’m sorry for your loss, OP, that is very tough.

But re: you’re friend... ignore her! Funerals matter (to the living left behind). This is an important occasion for your wider family.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/07/2020 09:35

Your friend needs to learn to shut up and stop giving unwanted opinions and advice. She is acting as though she is higher in an imagined hierarchy. Maybe you could look for support from less judgmental people.

SeasonFinale · 17/07/2020 09:41

It sounds like you are doing all you can to attend in a safe manner. Sorry for.your loss.

Tell your friend if she asks again not to worry you will ensure you continue to distance yourself from her!

LondonJax · 17/07/2020 09:41

Ignore your friend. If the church is allowing more than a limited number and you can socially distance then it's fine.

When my mum died just before lockdown we were caught in the coronavirus nightmare - she didn't die from or with coronavirus but the rules stayed the same, six people only. A friend of mine did ask if she could come just to the grounds and I had to explain that she couldn't. Everywhere was cordoned off so nowhere for her to go whilst we were in the funeral proper, she has a medical condition, my DS has a medical condition and it was early March. I felt awful about telling her but luckily her DH stepped in first and said he thought she really should be care with her medical condition. But I'd never tell a friend they were reckless going to a funeral that didn't involve me. Not my business and it wouldn't even occur to me that there was an issue.

Bluepolkadots42 · 17/07/2020 09:47

YANBU- I think your friend is way out of line to add guilt inducing comments when you are bereaved and dealing with your grief. The pubs are open ffs- so if people can go out and get plastered, why on earth can't you attend a socially distanced funeral?!
If she brings it up again tell her where to go.

Charleyhorses · 17/07/2020 10:16

I've dropped people for less. What does she add to your life?

eaglejulesk · 17/07/2020 10:40

I'm sorry to hear about your aunt - far too young Flowers

Ignore your "friend" - it's nothing whatsoever to do with her, and she isn't much of a friend to be telling you that you shouldn't attend the funeral.

RoseTintedAtuin · 17/07/2020 10:41

I feel so bad for anyone going through this at this time. I would ignore her advice completely and Shut down any conversation about it. I would go and grieve with my family and provide support to her immediate family. This is so much more important than everything else that is being allowed (popping to the shops or for a drink). Wishing you all the best Flowers

Topseyt · 17/07/2020 10:46

She isn't a friend. Tell her to wind her neck in because this is none of her business and you really don't care what she thinks.

Sorry for your loss. Go to the funeral and give this idiot no further headspace.

contrmary · 17/07/2020 10:51

Tell her to go fuck herself. You don't need "friends" like that at a time like this. Do what you feel is right for you and your family.

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