Tell me about your 3 year old. . .

[PrincessPain]

Mainly posting for traffic.
DS turns 3 in August and will be starting at the local nursery attached to the primary school he will hopefully be attending.
I'm wondering what other people's 3 years olds are like as I'm not quite sure if his behaviour will be seen as a bit unusual for his age. He does have a significant speech delay, we have seen a speech therapist but not since covid as they stopped doing appointments, he has come on alot in the past few months but not at the standard he is supposed to be. The speech therapist recommended trying nursery as he doesn't get left with anyone other than me or DH as we don't have any family help, and we are probably anticipating his needs and therefore he isn't needing to communicate fully.
He completely ignores all commands including just me calling his name, he climbs on the table, and it doesnt matter how many times I get him down, explain to him, remove him, he will be straight back up again in minutes.
He doesn't like sharing with his 1yo brother and if he's doing an activity will continually push him to the floor so he can't join in, again, no matter how many times I remove him, explain to him why its wrong and give positive attention to the 1yo.
Nappy training still hasn't gone anywhere, I can bribe him to sit on the potty for a bit but he gets bored and leaves, normally ending up weeing on the sofa or floor.
He hates wearing clothes and would prefer to be in a nappy and continually tries to undress himself.
But I only know one other nearly 3 year old and most the behaviour is very similar.
I'm worried he's going to go to nursery, get naked, jump on tables and push the other kids.
I'm not sure its normal, its not great and I'm trying to get him to listen to me but he's just not getting it, but he can't understand my actual words, so I think its natural for him to get frustrated, lash out, and ignore me.
Does any of this sound normalish behaviour or is he going to stick out as the "naughty" kid at nursery?
He doesn't push around his 3yo cousin (the only other 3yo I know) just his little brother, but they can also play really nicely aswell, the push is more when he's building with blocks and i think hes worried 1yo will knock it over.
I just feel a bit like I'm failing and it'll be super obvious.
Thanks and please be kind.

I have a just turned 3 yo and older child too.

I would say don't worry about what he will be like in nursery. Children are often vastly different to what they are like at home. Has he been to playgroups before? What was his behaviour like there? They Will often follow the crowd and behaviour better in a group. If teachers are concerned about his behaviour then it's an opportunity to get help and they should back you up. They will part of your parenting team.

I think behaviour can be challenging at 3. Fwiw my child likes to be naked 90% time, fights a lot with her sibling and has picked up a swear word she knows how to use in context in lockdown. I'm hoping she is not expelled!

1. This is the most challenging year imo. We’ve tried everything for our 3 year old and only seeing results now we’ve got a good boy jar that’s given without warning (I.e. no bribing with it but you can say “on track for”) for good, helpful, kind behaviour. We’re also overtly positive for any good behaviour (but still doing naughty step if he’s being awful to his siblings). It seems to be working and stress is less. For context, I had to give good boy jar treat for clutching at straws good behaviour on the first day such was his continual ignoring, hurting, loud stress inducing attitude! His older sibling was also a nightmare at 3 and is much better now (also did good jar back then).

Potty training only worked when he wanted to. Bribery with chocolate buttons and it wasn’t long til it clicked.

Nursery is a god send. Just do it even if it’s for 2 days.

Wanted to say similar reassuring things - my 3.5yr old is also likely to barge his 1yr old sister and loves to be naked (when lockdown started we explained about weekends so we could enforce some dressing on weekdays!). His behaviour also improved and his demeanour settled once he was in nursery - he's an easygoing boy buy he was bored I think, and frustrated by his very agile and shouty baby sis! Second the idea of praise/good boy jars. We bribed our way out of a potty training regression with paw patrol toys (expensive but v effective!). The only thing I'd say maybe think more about is when you say "he can't understand my words" and you talk about anticipating his needs. Nursery will help but it probably won't "fix" this (quieter kids often go along with things etc and it's a busier setting). I'd make that the main focus - your s and l person/NHS websites can advise on best tips and I'd tie some of the bribery to listening/following instructions. He is 3 and kids normally understand lots more words/concepts than they can say. That's the key to better behaviour and your better understanding of his motives in the longer term. And obviously - he won't be a nudist table climber forever and they will certainly have seen similar at nursery before! So don't stress.

My 3 year old is more advanced than that, but largely because she has older siblings. I think in general oldest children develop the slowest because they don't have the constant role modelling. He will learn quickly, the other children will 'whip' him into shape, and if not, worry about it then.

They say that speech and cognitive development are linked...as his speech improves so will his cognition and understanding of what you say to him and vice versa.
What is his sleep like? Does he still nap?

Sounds exactly like my ds at that age. He's now 6 and whilst severely behind at school and still needs constant telling to go to the toilet, he's very well rounded, incredibly well behaved, kind and polite and intelligent in ways that school does not cater for. DS is an August baby and started school weeks after potty training, with severe speech delay. The best thing we didn't do (not my wishes at the time) was defer reception for a year. Try not to worry. Good luck

So he's not 3 he's still 2?

Ds didn't potty train until 4. Then he just decided to and pretty much did it in a week including staying dry over night.

He went to nursery because he was so hyper and I needed a rest. I felt like I was failing a lot too.

We never got the terrible twos. Three was definitely about pushing boundaries and testing how many times he could get away with something after being told no.

Nursery were brilliant though. We both needed time apart at that point tbh.

It all sounds pretty normal for three tbh. Nothing significant that I think you have to worry about.

Also, my son was non verbal at nursery except for please and thank you, and the occasional bit of makaton which he learnt there, but was the most popular little boy in the building. He wouldn't even okay with children, just alongside, but he was everyone's favourite child ☺️

One thing id check is how well set-up the school nursery is to support him if he needs a bit more help than some of the others would. There are some stories on here of school nurseries being much stricter than private ones. There might be other settings such as forest schools you could look at that are less formal. One of my friends has a little boy who struggled a bit in normal nursery, quite behind with speech etc but really made a lot of progress in a forest school.

I’d also say 1yos are very annoying for them. My 4yo gets pretty pissed off with her sister. She’s not physical with her but she shouts at her, tells me to distract her, explains how frustrating she is, how she’s ruining her fun etc I’d imagine if yours doesn’t have the language to express himself, pushing is probably the only way of showing that.

I think he understands more than you think. He definitely knows that you're telling him not to climb on the table (for example) but does it anyway.

I'm sure you'll find when he goes to nursery that he doesnt do this sort of behaviour as much there because a) other kids arent doing it and they follow the others and b) someone who isnt your mum telling you not to do something is a lot more effective.

However that may not help at home because he will probably still do it at home, so it might be worth looking into some other ways to deal with challenging behaviour.

To answer your question, my 3 year old doesnt behave like this regularly but she is quite advanced verbally. She does still get frustrated and have tantrums though, I think that's just a 3 year old thing unfortunately!

Hi op, have you had his hearing checked? I only ask as a friend's little girl was speech delayed, seemed to ignore alot of her instructions, turned out she could barely hear at all and the instructions she did seem to be following were those where she could see what mummy wanted her to do and so was copying iyswim.

My son is three in august aswell. He is talking in full sentences and we can have proper conversations with him however iv known two other boys from playgroup who weren’t really talking at a similar age. Try not to worry things vary so vastly in the first few years then they all catch up and you wouldn’t know any different. My son didn’t walk until almost 17 months and I thought it was never going to happen. As for the behaviour my ds is a cheeky little thing and will often do exactly as we tell him not to even though he understands perfectly. It becomes a game to him but he does normally eventually do as we tell him but it can take a while. We have a 9 month old he still doesn’t like her and will hit her at times. We have only just in the last few weeks got him to even sit on the potty he is now very good with wees but he refuses to poo on it. It’s very normal not to be potty trained yet. I hope all goes well with nursery op my son is also starting for the first time in September as I work evenings so he’s always been with me. He may be perfectly behaved at nursery my son misbehaves at home but is very good for grandparents When they occasionally have him.

Thanks everyone for your input.

He's had his hearing checked and its fine, first thing they did before his speech therapist appointment.
I think its hard with a first, i don't know many other children his age but all the people online brag about their children's accomplishments (which i totally understand) but most people don't complain their kids are behind.
I do feel quite reassured to be honest. I've also heard alot that boys tend to be further behind in girls, not sure how true that is.
He did got to play group for a bit prw lockdown and he was better there, sat at tables nicely, didn't push any children but did sometimes take toys off them (i always told him no, took the toys and gave them back to the other children).
Thanks everyone for taking the time.
I do try to be firm with him and explain the reasons why I'm telling him no, even if I have to do it 275 times a day.

I have a 2.5 year old. Apart from the speech delay and the brother thing (we've not managed to have another yet) she's pretty similar to your three year old. She's naked feral at home BUT an actual co-operating angel at the childminder.

So she knows how to code switch and who she can get away with stuff with 😂😂

I have a son who is turning 3 in August too.

At one point I was a little worried about his speech but now I understand most of what he says and we can have conversations.

He wees and poos in the toilet but he has only just started doing this over the last two weeks. My other son is 6 and he wasn’t full toilet trained until he was almost 4.

My two boys play very nicely together and there are no issues with sharing.

He has no problems wearing clothes but his brother wants to be naked ALL the time.

My point is that all children are different, even siblings do things at their own pace.

My youngest son has been going to a childminder since he was one year old so he’s always been around other children - and of course he has his brother to learn from, I.e he sees his brother using the toilet so he wants to do it too.

I think you are doing the right thing putting him in nursery as I believe being around other children is really important when it comes to developing a young child’s language and social skills.

Please don’t worry about your son yet, give him 6 months in nursery to see how he progresses and then review the situation. Another good thing about being in nursery is that if there are any issues he is going to be surrounded by staff who can detect them and put support in place if he needs it. They will have a very good idea of what is normal (for want of a better word) and what isn’t.

As I said, please don’t worry just yet and just see how he gets on in nursery

Potty training: totally normal ime. He clearly just isn't ready yet but many aren't at that age.

Not sharing: normal. 2/3 year olds have all the social skills of a tiny dictator. They have zero empathy - but when that begins to develop you will see a difference I think.

Getting naked: normal. Ds used to get naked at every opportunity (he loved hot weather and water play!) As did his cousin. Dd however is very different. Mind you, I still have to suggest 9yo ds wears certain clothes, whereas dd was choosing her own at 18 months.

Pushing etc - also normal. Ds was a pusher/ shover/ biter. The key was intervention - watching him like a hawk and intervening to calm things down before it escalated.

The only thing from your list that really stood out was him was ignoring all commands. Do you really mean 'all commands'? So, for example, if you asked him to get his teddy, would he do it?

I think you've identified that his most challenging behaviour is most probably linked to his speech delay so you are right to focus on that. Children are very different though away from their home environment and nursery could be just the thing he needs.

And agree that having a threenager is challenging in all kinds of ways. It's definitely been the worst age for both of ours. But it's also the age at which they seem to make the most advancements which is equally rewarding.

Are you receiving any on going SALT input?

Not all instructions.
When hes comes into my room in the morning and I say "let's brush teeth" he goes to the bathroom and gets his toothbrush. If i say its bath time he takes off his nappy and waits at the stairgate to get upstairs. Same for its bed time, grabs his drink and waits by the gate for me to let him upstairs, goes into his own room and gets in bed. So he knows some.
But really ignores me when I say his name or I suppose any commands he doesnt want to listen to.
He can count 1 to 20, and identify 1 to 10 when i write on paper in a random order. He knows the full alphabet, again, each letter by sight no matter what order I write them in. He knows a few words now with lots of practise.
We have an appointment with a pediatric neurodisability department at the end of the month, but its over the phone due to covid so I'm not sure what it will consist of.

My son has just turned 3
He doesn’t say any sentences and only has a few words

We didn’t get the terrible twos but he is very challenging now on occasion

He is quite timid and prefers peace and quiet which is wha worries me about nursery but I think there’s a chance he could thrive there and find his voice and confidence eventually through being there.

He hasn’t got great confidence in his own abilities meaning he still struggles with a balance bike and scooter because he’s scared of falling.

He hates being naked though so we haven’t had the clothes removal issue.

He can’t say his own name and isn’t able to say daddy he’s only just learnt to say mummy in the last few weeks

He can can’t to 10 but only by making the sound of the numbers not by actually saying them properly

He does not know the alphabet and only recognised letters in his own name