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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

friendship after baby

12 replies

A1745 · 16/07/2020 18:39

Hi everyone, its my first time posting on here but I need a little perspective to see if I'm overeacting. I had my son 10 weeks ago during lockdown and basically my friends have made the loneliness even worse and I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable by being upset.
Basically I have a small group of very close friends including 2 best friends who I've known for years and were bridesmaids at my wedding etc. So we were pretty close. With COVID I had to spend the last 2 months of my pregnancy inside and it was really isolating as my friends were not in contact and rarely responded to my messages but I understood the world went on and people had work etc and that was OK even if it was really lonely. I had a really difficult birth an had to go back to hospital a few times but by this time both friends were furloughed and not working. At this point still little to no contact from them, no chats or messages that we used to do all the time before or anything and no interest at all in the baby! I messaged them both a number of times "hi hows it going" etc to try and get things started but it was like trying to get blood from a stone. Its like they cant be bothered with me anymore and I dont get why as we were meant to be best friends and have always been close. With everything going on and no family or friends visiting its been super lonely hut I thought we'd still talk or chat like we used to, its not even like I'm talking all things baby just general conversation but im not getting much back. Am I overreacting by being upset by this?? Has anyone else had something similar happen and how did you deal with it??

OP posts:
MURU · 16/07/2020 18:41

Do they have their own children?

ConkerGame · 16/07/2020 18:47

Sorry OP, that sounds horrible. I’m guessing they don’t have their own children so aren’t interested in baby-related things? Not nice of them - they could at least ask how YOU are doing it they’re not interested in the baby!

If it makes you feel any better I have the opposite problem - so many of my friends getting pregnant and suddenly all the boozy meet ups are over and baby chat is continuous so I’m the one left out!

ThickFast · 16/07/2020 18:49

That sounds really hard. Even if they don’t have kids, they could still get in touch. However, I’ve found that you having a baby can be weirdly triggering for people. So you do get some strange responses from friends. Doesn’t make it any less sad though

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 16/07/2020 19:00

They're being rubbish. Baby or not, just dropping you from the group is shit. If you were banging on and on about your baby I could maybe see why, but there is no excuse if you're making the effort to ask about them and just getting nothing back. I'd tell them you're upset they seem distant and ask if everything's ok

Crimblecrumble1990 · 16/07/2020 19:01

I have found this too. My baby was born poorly and I still didn't get any 'how are you' messages. Maybe it's my fault as I'm so conscious that other people don't find other peoples lives that interesting (weddings/babies) that I deliberately don't talk about them but I always make sure to ask after those things when speaking with a bride/mum to be.

I always hear people moaning about a friend having a baby and how they've changed but my friends can't use that an excuse as it's like my baby doesn't exist.

I do usually message them asking about their lives but I've felt a bit resentful over the last few weeks so have stopped. Am waiting for them to notice!

A1745 · 16/07/2020 23:39

No they don't have children of their own either of them and thanks everyone it helps alot knowing I'm not going mad. I really don't talk all things baby either (sometimes I like to just be me and not mum) and that's what sucks. I guess I just miss talking to them in general and don't understand why things changed in that respect. And I hope everyone's babies and selves are doing well xx

OP posts:
SlB09 · 16/07/2020 23:42

I found this but it improved as baby got older and less dependent on me. Things kind of went back to normal but it is a lonely time x

A1745 · 16/07/2020 23:53

I think its just been magnified with the lockdown as my only communication with people is now via phone or Internet. Before everything I could've made friends at baby classes or people you meet while out and about but that all kind of goes out the window when your not going out anywhere and I think its just enhanced the hurt of them not really communicating with me. Just poor timing for a communication loss I guess 😔

OP posts:
ThickFast · 17/07/2020 07:22

Yeah it’s crap timing coz you can’t get out. And it’s still rubbish of them. Really rude too

MURU · 17/07/2020 08:45

Ah I thought they didn’t... I would talk to them in a non confrontational way as in hey would love to meet up with you all miss you how about this date.... I was one of the first to have babies in my group and thought the same but as time’s gone on it’s like anything they probably don’t understand until they have babies themselves. In my case my friends were so apologetic when they finally joined the club. I think they prob think your just so busy and you don’t wanna be disturbed.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/07/2020 08:50

I hate the “not everyone is interested in babies” line to give people a pass for being a crap friend. I’m not necessarily interested in every work issue, tinder date and furniture purchase but that’s being a friend. Honestly OP most people I know have a clear out of friends when they have a baby- you will have less time anyway so better to spend it with true friends. As for baby groups, sorry you are missing them, whilst it was nice to socialise I didn’t make friends as such- more when my LO started nursery. It gets better x

A1745 · 17/07/2020 09:42

Thanks everyone you've all really helped a lot xxx

I know some people think I'm being unreasonable still I'd just like to understand why though (I don't mind people thinking that I'd just like them to explain to me so I can see another view point)

OP posts:
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