If you are a favour junkie or favour shark wtf do you get out of it?

[OhioOhioOhio]

A taat. Kind of. A while back I had someone who worked for me. At first she appeared amazingly efficient but slowly she took all the compliments as a licence to push boundaries and before I knew it she was running the show with some kind of invisible power she had organised for herself. Eventually I was able to get rid of her but I know that forever she'll dine out on, 'I worked so hard for her' stories.' And in a way she did, doing millions of unwanted, unnecessary and annoying deeds. According to mn at the time they said it was a loan shark or favour junkie. Someone who creates a currency based on how helpful they are and how all of a sudden it is as though you owe them because there is an uncurrent of 'how good you've been to them'. What do these people get out of it?

I know a person like that, I think it's just a type of currency they use to always be in control of everything and feel like people can't say no to them

And in a way she did, doing millions of unwanted, unnecessary and annoying deeds.

But what did she do when you, her employer, told her to stop doing these unwanted and unnecessary things, and to concentrate on her actual job? I mean, surely it was obvious to her then that it wasn't having the effect she hoped? And if you weren't appreciative of what she was doing, where was the 'invisible power' coming from?

It was childcare. If just thrown my bastard husband out and I couldn't work without her.

No idea! But just wanted to say you have y sympathies. I worked with someone like that once and they were a bloody nightmare

Oh God. You've just described my sister in law. It's exhausting.

Thanks pp. I just totally can't work out what it is? I realise it must be a self esteem thing but by the end of it it was as though she thought she was King Pin in my house. It was another 6 months before I was able to get rid of her. But it was absolutely fkn unbearable.

Yeah it is such a weird behaviour but what do they get out of it? It's like a subliminal put down?

My ex used to do this kind of thing. They see it as building up credit with you so that they can make you do whatever they want, if you refuse then they will tell everyone you know how "ungrateful" and "spiteful" you are.

It's like blokes who spend loads of money on dates and then get angry when the money they have spent doesn't automatically let them treat their date like a prostitute. It's weird, because, well, if you want somebody to do things for you, you can hire a personal assistant (or indeed a prostitute) but they like to think it's "just their good nature" that makes people fawn all over them, even though it's the opposite of good-natured, it's manipulative and controlling.

He probably still does, just to be clear, I don't know that he stopped, but I don't see him any more.

Yeah it is such a weird behaviour but what do they get out of it? It's like a subliminal put down?

It's definitely about control, to make them feel important kind of a thing, like people can't get by without them?

Oh my goodness, I didn't know there was a word for this, but you've just described someone perfectly in my family.

I've always said, they never do "favours" - it's always felt to me like more of an investment which they want paying back (and generally they already have something planned that they want paying back for.

@BertieBotts Yeah that's exactly like how the person in my life that I was thinking of behaves

Yeah, like you'd have to put up with whatever they decide because they huff about your lack of gratitude if you hint about saying anything. I'm so glad to not put up with it anymore.

Like they become untouchable. Weirdly this person had loads of stories about how ungrateful people had been when she'd done everything she'd done. At first I thought it was so ungracious of everyone but by the end I thought it was totally understandable.

Yes. Awful experience. I would recognise the warning signs now and run a mile in the other direction.

It's a power trip.

My old supervisor was like this. She would give random gifts to people and always offer homemade foods at lunch times. The 'gifts' looked like pieces of crap from around her house , candles , soaps etc. Nearly everyone said she was lovely but a few of us didn't trust her and refused her 'freebies' politely. She treated us like total crap and gave us the rubbish and dirty tasks at work. Weirdly , she claims to be a spiritual person and also loved giving unwanted advice and 'predictions. Such an odd woman.

Hmm this is really interesting. It the unwantedness of the “favours” that’s the problem. You didn’t want it done, it’s been done and now you’re obliged to someone. I’d love to be the kind of person who could just say “well that was a total waste of your time, I don’t need or want that, you should have checked first”. But I’m not.

This is how the Mafia operates, isn’t it? They do you favours to put you in their debt and then they call in the favour and you have to kill someone for them, or something.

I didn’t know there was a term for this.

It’s so annoying because you have to be grateful for something you didn’t ask for or want and you can’t complain because you sound like a dick for complaining about people doing ‘nice’ things for you.

My exH had form for this. Can’t clean the bog but can spend all weekend ‘servicing’ my car. he’s not a mechanic, took all instructions of you tube, spent a fortune on tools to do whatever, and I still took it to the garage Because I needed the stamp for my FSH. And would then bring it up later with ‘remember that time I serviced your car and you didn’t even say thank you’.

Yeah pp. That's it. 'I'm so helpful and efficient I've rearranged your cupboards but I've not emptied the bin or put the dishes away.'