To feel like I won't be the same again.

[Nawilotf]

We've all just been through something really unsettling. We know why we've done it. Everything is starting to restart. But its not what it was. Nothing is what it was. I know I'm staying the obvious. I've kind of lost my zest for life. I have tried to get out more in terms of walking and things. But I don't have much desire to take our children far. We've been to the park twice. But I don't want to go to zoos and farms and beaches. I don't know why. I just don't feel confident i guess. I don't like the idea of my kids forgetting themselves on a day out and getting near other people. I don't think I'd enjoy it either having to worry.

I've not been in the shops. Less keen now I've got to put a mask on. I again respect it. It's just weird to do that Infront of my kids. I don't want to frighten them any further. They understand what's going on. Well the four year old does. But my 2.5 year old doesn't. I keep telling her things are getting better and that's why we can do a little more now. But then to see everyone acting very different is going to tell her otherwise. She will be fine. I'm not saying she won't but for me it's just another part of it all.

Our holiday is cancelled in Norfork. I'm ok with it deep down as it would have been hard to enjoy.

Also yesterday we got an email from the school about when my daughter goes back. We already walk 30 minutes to school. But now they have decided from September we've got to go around to the other gates which adds on another 5 minutes of walking. We have to then queue. We can't go into the playground but will be walking our kids to fire exits. We don't know where this fire exit is located and it actually frustrates me that we are not allowed into the playground to collect our kids. We have to be there at 8.55 and no earlier or later. We used to have a ten minute window. They've also said only one parent can come into the school gates onto the carpark. My partner was going to come with me for the first week to give me some support as he knows I'm feeling it.

I am not particularly focused on the virus. I think I'm just upset with the way it all is. I'm not sure what to believe. I have watched abit of main stream media and I've watched the odd thing that's not from Mon stream media. They both give you very different versions and "facts" about the virus and the vaccines planned. I'm not saying I believe either way. But there is a chance that either side could b right.

It upsets me that I was able to live and grow up in the UK safely as a normal child. Now my children should be free, safe and happy and living their child hood they've ended up living in a threatening strange time. Again I know kids adapt. They dont notice it like we do. But it still bothers me. They are not providing school meals in September. They are not allowing bags and reading books. There are three classes of each year and the kids won't be able to see their friends in the other classes. That means they are limited to who they can form friendships with. What if there ideal friend is in the other class.

I'm sure I will get shot down for it. But it is hitting me massively this week that we are just not anywhere close to life as it was before. Who knows how many years we will have to live like this. Not being able to just be. Not being able to just go out and do things.

I admire the people who are keeping busy. It's just been hard as a non driver. I've not taken my kids to Asda or anything. Because everyone is constantly taking pictures of people and judging eachother.

Sorry for the long post. Just got alot running through my head this morning. What I would give for my children not be growing up in this crappy time.

Go easy on yourself. It's all been a lot to cope with. I think a bit of anxiety is understandable. Try not to add to it by beating yourself up for feeling that way. Do the things you are comfortable with and only push yourself when necessary. You will start to feel better at some point.

Thank you for your reply. Absolutely. It's very out of character for me. It's just rubbish. I get why we must protect ourselves and look after eachother. I really do. But I just find it really rubbish looking forward. This winter is going to be tough. Christmas will probably be a half job this year. Who knows when things will relax abit. I keep pushing along. I feel painfully aware the weeks are ticking by and September will be here before I know it. Somedays I feel I'll do fine. Other days I worry I'll be able to walk anywhere. I want my daughter to go back to school but I think this time coming to an end will also upset me. Especially because she's at risk when she goes back and they puts us all at risk too.

It will get better. Things will change. You will adjust. The stress and worry from the height of the pandemic will fade away.

It's early days still in terms of how you're feeling about the world.

I understand how you feel; things I used to enjoy doing like shopping, cinema, restaurants just don’t have the same appeal now due to a mixture of the risks and the extra precautions taking some of the fun of it away. I completely understand and respect the precautions but I’m now less interested in them.
I do think things will get better though and we will adjust to this new normal

Do you use SM a lot? Just pondering your comment about people judging each other. If so, maybe just gave a break for a bit, SM is a pit.

My DH has pushed me out of my comfort zone a bit which has been the best thing. We've been on a couple of trips out with a picnic to walk around fairly quiet semi rural areas & stayed well away from the crowds. You've just got to take a deep breath & do it - somewhere a bit random, not a popular beach or attraction.

I totally get the school thing - mine went back for this last half term & I was weirdly obsessing over whether they'd prop open the gate (which they have). Until you've experienced it, it will be a worry - if it's really bad, could you try contacting school this week & ask if there's any way you could do a dry run.of the walk/drop off?
I appreciate they can't do that for everyone, but if you explain how anxious you're feeling they might oblige. Or at least give a better description of the drop off route & fire exit.

I certainly won't shoot you down, I think you've described what many, many people feel - an unsettled feeling that comes from living in the current unknown.

You are feeling very unsettled at the moment. And despite saying that you’re not focused on the virus or the rest your post is very focused on the virus or at least all the things which are different because of it.

The school stuff actually sounds fine to me (easy for me to say!) It reads like your anxiety is making everything feel harder than it’s actually going to be.

Unless you have an underlying health issue then you and your kids need to get on with living. The virus even if you get it is highly unlikely to harm you.

I understand how you feel. I have 3 sons ages 13,11 and 3. Now the summer holidays are almost here but I have no spark. Normally I look forward to having them all home, take them into town on the bus I don't drive. Spend money, eat out , maybe a trip to Weston super mare to the pier. But now I have very little interest in any of that and the stress that goes with it.
I didn't have much going on before to be honest. Boys at school, husband at work and home with youngest but I had the choice to go into town or walk round the few shops here. Now I don't even feel like leaving the house. My husband is working from home and kicks me out of bed so he can work, if it wasn't for the children I don't think I could find it in me to get out of bed. I'm not that worried about the virus, the infection rate here is pretty low but the joy has been sucked out of everything. I don't have anything to look forward to.

Can I ask what the 4 year old understands? I taught Reception whilst supplying and I think about those children now and wonder what they are making of it all. I think they are much more robust and in the present than we are and probably taken in by all sorts of new things to discover wherever they are. a walk to the bus stop can be exciting to a 4 yr old.

I don't mean to dismiss what they are going through btw, I am just curious as to what explanations they have been given and understand and what their response has been.

My relative who has DS knows that normal school isn't happening atm but in his spirits is OK and loving the one on one attention he is getting from the nurses.

I cannot resonate with much of your thread. I've found lock down liberating. It has been beneficial to mine and my kids mental health. We've enjoyed so much more family time and got joy out of being at home. It;'s been peaceful and restorative for us.

I won't be going out to loads of places but it's not because I feel it's unsafe, but because we've realised we can very happily live without them.

I feel my kids have got a better childhood out of it. I'm not dragging them round places all the time, they've been able to engage their imaginations and run riot in the garden. They've had much less organised time and much more freedom. I feel less constrained by social appointments and requirements.

Can you use the time now to learn to drive?? I think a lot of what you are saying stems from this actually.

Also- life is pretty bleak now, we are living day by day, knowing we can't look ahead to weeks let alone months as we just don't know what changes/more new ways of living and doing things are round the corner.
So for me, right now, its about cherishing the smaller things and the things you DO have control over. Looking ahead at weather forecast for eg. and if its a sunny weekend, planning a BBQ. Planning a longer walk taking a picnic and sitting outside on a green/common/wider space of land so you kids can run free. Outside is far far safer and you have far less to worry about re. any of you catching it. Catch a bus or train and go to a larger supermarket you like to do a bigger shop and get an Uber home? I love my weekly supermarket shops right now. Its a bit of freedom and lovely to stock up on treats for the family.

I have faith a vaccine will be found by the end of the year, the New York Times have a vaccine tracker which is amazingly informative and positive to read in how far some of them have got: www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/science/coronavirus-vaccine-tracker.html

You are not on your own feeling like this. There have been similar posts on MN just lately. You are clearly very anxious. I would certainly step away from social media and watching news programmes for a bit. Your children will not remember - play with them, take them outdoors, read books. They are not missing out. I must admit I don't get this 'Christmas won't be the same this year' thing. Also save the money from your cancelled holiday and plan something nice for when life gets back to normal.

Thanks all.

I'll try answer questions. We are living in the sense we leave the house. We go for walks by the river. We've been to our local national trust gardens. I've seen my parents. That's about it. I've not ventured in the shops. We have food delivered. But oh has taken both kids to the shop for essentials and let them pick a treat.

My daughter is 5 at the end of the month. She understands what the school told her. So in march they were told the coronavirus was here and so we had to stay home. She understood the hand washing as her hands were bleeding from the school hand gel. Then my role was to reassure her. You can go back once the virus has gone. It won't hurt you and you are safe as you are home. she understood the virus was the reason everything was shut and we couldn't go to the parks etc. She basically will say because of the coronavirus when she tries to understand things. She doesn't want to go back to school but she will be over that quick. She's got used to being home and her body and mind has adjusted to it all. So I think she's feeling how I do about doing more. She feels she doesn't want to go back to that level.

We've also had lots of appreciation for this time with her gone again. Last year when she was due to start school I felt sad about not having her home at lunch time. Sounds like a silly reason but for 4 years she was with me and I made her dinner. Having her back and her brother having her for six months has been nice. Also I agree it's been nice to be lazier and have a less busy life. The problem is in September we've got to stop being lazy and having an easy life. Then we are expected to be back on it. I guess my mind is fearful of that. My body clock has massively changed. My fitness level has dropped. My head has been in a place that's 24/7 child related. Adult relationships have stopped. In the holidays we have a couple of adults and children to meet up with. So we will hopefully do a little bit in the holidays. But tbh I just feel lost. I miss how simple things were in January when we had a structure and a plan.

I can't learn to drive right now nope. We've lost £500 a month income as partner can't do his usual overtime work. So we are skint. I actually loved walking and it kept us all fit. But for the first couple of months of lockdown we were allowed out once a day for a short walk. So I've lost it. I've tried to start moving again but it's exhausting. Especially because alongside of me trying to build up I'm anxious. I'm worried about needing the toilet when I'm out. I'm worried about feeling weak and dizzy when I'm out. It's silly but it's side effects of being put into such a different life.

I want things to go back to normal but at the same time I wish there was a build up in September. I am worried about the virus in the sense that it means I can't just go in the coop without considering the kids and how many are in the shop already. I also need to wear masks now. Do you put them on outside and take it off when you come out? I feel abit self conscious about putting one on. I understand that's annoying to read. But I just do. It's not something we e ever had to do.

I guess I'm just struggling with the changes and now there's more changes. Come September we are being asked to function as normal again but it won't be normal. It's going to be extra walking. Making pack ups. Making sure I dress her in the right pe kit. It's all just so different. Ofcourse I will learn though. I'm going to need abit of support from my partner for a while. I think I need to make sure I've got everything with me too so I don't panic. I sort of know water. A ginger biscuits and some chewing gum will keep me calmer. I've got rescue remedy too. I hope these feelings were short lived.

I here you loud and clear. I’m in the US, which has overall done an appalling job, but I live in one of the few states which is currently doing well. But I do feel—even though many things have reopened here, and we are enjoying the summer and all the activities offered by my beach town—that it’s not the same. I’m forever waiting for the other shoe to drop and a return to almost total lockdown a la California. And that is absolutely not in line with my personality and my usual need to get on with things and think positively.