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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend dilemma

24 replies

Shizzlestix · 15/07/2020 20:53

Background: I have a LOT going on right now, physically and mentally, as well as serious family stuff going on. I feel like I barely have enough head space for this.

25 years ago, I met a friend. We were very close for about 5 years, then she was very rude about my dh plus our lives went in different directions. We have exchanged Christmas cards only for the past 20 years. During lockdown, she phoned out of the blue. It was nice to hear from her, but when she phoned again and again, it was so she could talk about herself, re-hash a relationship she had when we were good friends 25 years ago. She’s gone on to marry (different guy, been with him almost 20 years) She’s now trying to phone quite a lot. This stopped when I asked if she’d mind messaging instead as I had a lot going on. Her calls can last well over an hour and a half. However, she has started calling again. I think ghosting is a little harsh, but I want to politely ask if she would mind messaging instead. That way, I can answer in my own time.

I feel harassed, which probably makes me sound ridiculous, but I just can’t cope with the frequent calls (attempts at calls, I admit, I’m a wuss and haven’t answered), they’re making me upset.

What can I say that isn’t harsh?

OP posts:

ProseccoBubbleFantasies · 15/07/2020 21:01

Don't answer the phone.

Message later that you missed the call.

If it's easier for you to manage, prempt her calls by sending her messages instead.

Original poster

Shizzlestix · 15/07/2020 21:11

@ProseccoBubbleFantasies thing is, I’ve done that and it just makes her try again. She sent a message asking if it was a good time to call, I didn’t answer, she promptly phoned. Do you think I could send a message saying I have a lot on, I can’t cope with the volume of calls?

OP posts:

gutentag1 · 15/07/2020 21:22

Yes, just don't answer. She'll take the hint.

Singlebutmarried · 15/07/2020 21:24

Send her straight to answerphone?

Original poster

Shizzlestix · 15/07/2020 21:25

But she hasn’t! She keeps trying.

OP posts:

ProseccoBubbleFantasies · 15/07/2020 21:25

Sweetheart, I'm a stranger on the internet. Do you really want my permission? You can have it.

It sounds like this woman hasn't been in your life much for a long time. How pleased were you to reconnect with her? How much will you miss her/be sad if contact ends again?

If you don't much care, be as blunt as you like. If you would be sad, be kinder.

Does she know you've got stuff going on? Certainly tell her.

ScrapThatThen · 15/07/2020 21:26

I think the etiquette is to not answer two out of three times, and then say 'lovely to talk to you, I've got to go in 5 mins'. Repeat until they get the hint. Stop messaging it's sending mixed signals. Send her a Christmas card. You're not really going to miss her on your life. If she asks you could say 'i feel our conversations are very one sided'. She might benefit from the personal feedback.

Martinezzz · 15/07/2020 21:30

Nah, no time for this.

I'd block her. You've told her you've got a lot on, asked her to message, she's not respecting you.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 15/07/2020 21:31

OP I think you're just going to have to be honest.

Tell her you don't mean to be rude or unkind, but you've got a hell of a lot going on at the minute and you really don't have time for phone calls. If you're feeling brave, you could tell her you don't have time for one sided phone calls that last an hour or more.

She will get the hint eventually but you have to stay firm. Sorry you are having such a shit time generally

SallyWD · 15/07/2020 21:33

I think you just need to keep reinforcing the message that you're too busy to talk- blame it on a very busy job, demanding children, whatever, but just keep saying "I'm really sorry I couldn't answer your call. I just don't have 5 minutes to spare at the moment." You could perhaps suggest 1 call a month to catch up but only if you want to. You don't have to talk at all! If you keep ignoring calls but then text later with the same message "I really don't time to chat" she will eventually give up.

Deelish75 · 15/07/2020 21:40

I understand about harassed. I had a similar problem with a family member when my children were little - sounds stupid but I became scared of the phone.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person, she was rude to your husband, she only talks about herself. Does she ask about you and everything you've got going on in the background? What does she bring to the friendship for you?

People like this do not take polite hints or being ignored - they want your attention. You have a choice you can either keep on ignoring her calls and call her back when it is convenient for you. Or you can be harsh and tell her you haven't go the time or energy that she is taking up. Or you could block her calls.

Mary46 · 15/07/2020 21:51

Mary46 · 15/07/2020 21:54

Feel for you. Just say you have alot going on at moment and need to keep calls short. I find these people dont take hints so you may have be blunt!

Original poster

Shizzlestix · 15/07/2020 22:01

You lot are brilliant! @ProseccoBubbleFantasies I don’t know, more ideas of how to make her stop more than permission, I suppose!

Does she ask about you and everything you've got going on in the background? A bit, yes, I was in A&E the other week and she wanted to know if I was ok.

My last message was a really polite one over a fortnight ago, just to say please text, I”m in the middle of something so can’t answer the phone.

I might have to be harsh and block her. To answer @Deelish75, she doesn’t bring anything, she wants to reminisce about a particular time from 25 years ago. I didn’t have a great time then, so her wanting to discuss it is not my idea of a fun conversation.

OP posts:

ProseccoBubbleFantasies · 15/07/2020 22:07

You make it sound like you were asking her to text on that occasion only. As you were busy at that point. Perhaps try and come out with some words that make it clear you want texts all the time?

mouse70 · 15/07/2020 22:35

Do not answer/block her number. Or if you are never planning to see her face to face tell her to get lost. Life is too short to spend energy on someone like this. seems like she is just not taking the hint.

Original poster

Shizzlestix · 15/07/2020 23:08

You make it sound like you were asking her to text on that occasion only. As you were busy at that point

Reading it back, you’re right. I’m an idiot! I’ll have a think about what to say-if anything. I feel bad, but we have nothing in common anymore. I know her best mates from her area have moved miles away so maybe she’s missing that.

OP posts:

PatButchersEarring · 15/07/2020 23:09

To be honest, she sounds unhinged. Switch your phone to silent and ignore!

Original poster

Shizzlestix · 15/07/2020 23:34

To be honest, she sounds unhinged

Honestly, my DH and I have discussed this. Like, if someone didn’t answer a message/multiple attempts at calling, I’d give up. She messaged then called when I didn’t immediately respond: I was getting out of the bath!

OP posts:

Deelish75 · 15/07/2020 23:44

@Shizzlestix

To be honest, she sounds unhinged

Sounds suffocating. If you want to keep in touch with her then you are going to have to be very forceful with her about what amount of phone calling you find acceptable. You need to make your boundaries very clear to her. You mention this started in lockdown, she sounds bored. Does she work? Is she likely to go back to work? (and leave you alone)

Mamette · 15/07/2020 23:52

She sounds bananas. You haven’t been friends for 20 years, what she’s doing is completely selfish.

If you can’t bring yourself to block her, at least send her calls to voicemail after 2 rings.

She’s obviously going through some sort of crisis but you are not available, she needs to find someone she has an actual friendship with to offload on. Don’t feel guilty.

Original poster

Shizzlestix · 15/07/2020 23:58

You mention this started in lockdown, she sounds bored. Does she work? Is she likely to go back to work? (and leave you alone)

She’s working full time! I think she wants to replace her friends who moved away. She’s actually a really nice person to talk to, but it was all about her.

I feel bad, but the amount of calls (when I’m having treatment in hospital!) is very suffocating, yes.

OP posts:

Sally872 · 16/07/2020 00:21

Be as honest as possible but try not to be hurtful. Though I doubt I would be brave enough suggestion is below.

"I am glad to hear you are well and appreciate you getting in touch. Unfortunately due to health issues I don't have time for our friendship at the moment. Hopefully that may change in the future, but for now I can't have any phone calls from you. Some contact via text would be nice, but I understand that may not work for you."

Original poster

Shizzlestix · 24/07/2020 08:01

Little update: she messaged again yesterday saying ‘I’m not hassling you but want to know if you’re ok’. I was brave and responded with ‘I”m fine. Hope it’s ok to stick to messages, it works better for me. Hope you are ok”.

I”ve had no answer, but I hope she will now understand that I”m not able to have huge long calls.

Thank you all for your suggestions, you’ve given me the power to be honest with her without being nasty!

OP posts:

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