To ask if the pandemic/lockdown has exacerbated or relapsed your poor MH episodes?

[ComplexPTSDmaybe]

I had severe clinical depression and psychosis induced by an eating disorder from age 15-24 years. Inpatient, community and medication tratement. I had one relapse after the birth of my 2nd child (post partum psychosis) that resolved after inpatient stay on a mother and baby unit. That was 12 years ago. No further incidences of mental health episides since. I was raped when I was 11 and my marriage broke down after substantial physical abuse so I have always thought my issues have been a reaction to external events, factors and experiences rather than an organic, internal factor IYSWIM.

I can feel clinical deprression creeping in now and I think its due to lockdown and the pandemic. I naturally catastrophise, I was ill with coronavirus in March so I am not at direct risk now but the circumstances of my 3 dcs being at home (they are driving me mad), working full time, trying to homeschool whilst wfh part of the week, changing jobs 2 weeks ago and lots of peoole dying might explain why I am relapsing. Anyone else finding a difference in their mental health? If so, why do you think this is? What are you feeling and what are you doing about it?

I feel like depression is getting me to the point of becoming a serious, long term, hard to resolve issue (it took years to get better when I was younger) and I feel like I am staring doen the barrel of a nasty, uncontrollable gun. Would like to know I am not alone if that is okay?

I apologise for the typos. I was shaking typing this.

Hi, hopefully someone with a greater understanding and with coping techniques will reply soon but I just wanted to say that although I haven't had mental health issues in the past, I do feel the pandemic and lockdown has affected me which I wasn't expecting.
I Have been shielding for nearly 4 months and although we are advised to go out for walks and meet small groups of people, I am mentally struggling with that after staying in so long.
I have also had to deal with my boss wanting me back for the past 3 months and not just accepting I am shielding. I feel sick and anxious and shake when I get a new message. I am due back beginning of August but in the meantime looking for a new job as I feel that it will be unpleasant going back when I have been told the rest aren't happy I have been off despite knowing I am higher risk than they are.
Looking for a job gives me a knot in my stomach too as I dread the interviews.

I am terrified I will get real depression.
What you have been through sounds awful and you have done amazingly well to cope with it all. Have you anyone to talk to that can help or a gp ? Have you got support with your children from a partner ?
I just want you to know you're not alone x

My C-PTSD has definitely taken been messing with me more, especially since June with all my of tell-tell signs: appetite has crashed, self-care a struggle even with things like drinking water, rumination and other negative coping mechanisms taking up more of my brain space (like too much time online...). I'm so burnt out right now and the kids getting bickery has not been helping.

I've had to ask my spouse and oldest for more help with house stuff and I have found dumping out all my thoughts elsewhere and organizing things to do & accomplishing them, even when they're something small, a bit of a boost. I've repeatedly heard it said one of the best things to hit the break on spiraling is keeping promises to yourself. Timers and lists keep me on track most days. I've also found it helpful to get audiobooks from my library, currently it's Sense and Sensibility, just having someone telling a story helps keep my mind off of worse thoughts.

Also, certain resources -- on youtube: Crappy Childhood Fairy and Kati Morton have had some good resources with practical ideas as do many others. You're very much not alone, this is a difficult time for many of us even if we're not so hit by the practical/financial issues hitting many. I hope this helps you a bit at least.

Oh choccy that sounds like a really difficult thing to go through re shielding. Unsupportive colleagues and managers must have made a dufficult situation so much worse! I hope you find the best solurion, whether thats a new job or asking for more understanding from work. The thought of havong or gettong depression us terrifying isn't it? It is really scary. Thank you for replying

BiBabbles thank you. I haven't thought about the making promises to myself, have you wrote them down? It is something I will try. I have bern reading loads as its the only thing that allows me space away from my crappy brain.

Have you noticed anything different physically? I am sleeping really badly (first thing to go for me). I swim usually to help but pools closed. Need to walk more.

Complex-ptsd , my sleep has been a mess too and I try and read at night to help take my mind off the situation. What kind of books do you like ?
I am hoping once I am back and hopefully working with my usual colleague that I will be less anxious but I know there won't be any understanding from the boss. In my opinion all he cares about is the business and not my wellbeing. Even when I said my mental health is suffering during lockdown there hasn't been any concern, just that he doesn't know how so can't plan for it.
I don't feel inclined to say as it will just be my word against his and i hate confrontation.
Do you know what worked for you when you were younger ? Can you try the same again ? I hope you find peace x

Sounds like you have had a lot to cope with and admire you.for posting. I think many will suffer with mental health over lockdown/ pandemic, those who already have problems and those who may develop problems. I myself have not suffered depression but feel very different ATM. I would say keep talking and remember people are here for you xx

Thanks choccy and busy.

Tbh the only things that got me out of the really deep depression and psychosis both times it got really bad previously were medications and intense psychoanalysis and inpatient stays on wards with staff who knew how to help me. I was also on a very high dosage of anti psychotics, SSRI's, anxiety medication and tranquillisers, at one point Lithium.

I have a very good new job in health research now, a lovely partner, a house I own and most importantly 3 DC's to take care of. I don't feel I want or can pause my life to go back into fixing my traumatised brain but if I get really ill again I guess I will have to. It us silly really, if I would have previously had cancer I maybe would have more understanding but because its mental health I feel ashamed that I am just not getting in with it and coping. Plus added to that, everyone is dealing with it. I am not exceptional. I should just suck it up and try not to dwell on it but my brain seems to be having other ideas

For example, I am working from home today and tomorrow because I have the DC's to look after (half the week I work at the hospital, they go to their dads). I havent showered for 2 days, I need to wake them up so I can feed them and login to my laptop to start work. This seems so overwhelming and I am sat panicking but also feeling numb. I know I need to do this stuff but my brain is saying 'You are too tired, you hate your life, it would probably be better if you weren't here'.

That makes me feel terrible on so many levels. I have healthy children, a good job, food, I am physically okay and survived coronavirus. I am lucky! So why do I feel like this?

Yeah I would say mine has been effected, may be not majorly but I certainly feel it. Especially at the start of lockdown, I was an anxious mess and felt sick to my stomach. I would say now I am more down in the dumps and lack motivation to do anything. I really don't enjoy leaving my house at the moment and I was never like that, in fact I just don't want lockdown to end as I'm really not looking forward to entering the world again.

What am I doing for it? Taking my antidepressants and not much else. I know what I SHOULD be doing, eating healthy, exercising, talking to people yada, yada. Easier said than done.

I wish you luck OP, I have been severely depressed and anxious a few times before and could never see myself ever getting better, but I always have. Life changes, it flows and ebbs. So although you are feeling horrendous just now, this too shall pass.

I have had several episodes of depression and anxiety, the most recent until now, five years ago. This year has taken away all of my coping mechanisms and has plunged me back into it once more.

I have no interest in any of the things I used to do, can’t get motivated to do anything other than the most basic stuff and, despite having some phone talking therapy, it’s not getting any better. Sleeping and eating are very patchy and I just feel sad and angry all the time.

There’s still such an element of people feeling that you should be able to snap out of it, but it really isn’t possible. I’ll say that there hasn’t been one day in the last five months that I e felt happy or calm or content. It’s truly miserable feeling like this.

On the flipside, I have found lockdown to be very beneficial to my mental health. A lot of my anxiety is from what others are doing, and what I think they are doing. I overthink things and catastrophize.

Working from home has freed me from the need to think what the meaning behind people's actions in the office are. If people contact me it is usually an instant message or email, rather than sticking their head over the partition by my desk, giving me a chance to pause before I respond. It's a lot less stressful.

Add onto that I'm not standing at the bus stop panicking because the bus is late yet again or worrying whether the person behind me is deliberately coughing on me, there is a lot less to worry about.

I just wish this could go on forever to be honest. I dread the day that's coming soon where my boss says "everyone back in the office."

money I think we are feeling similar. I don't want to leave the house. But I am also stuck hating being stuck in my house with the dc's. I feel trapped. I know all the do x, y, z too but I can't get in the right frame of mind to start any of it.

Foxy I totally agree. I would love to 'snap out if it' and I tell myself that all the time but my brain is just refusing to. I can not get it back to anywhere near contentment. I don't want happiness or joy, I just want life not to feel so harrowing or sad. Re your anger, how are you expressing that? Internally or externally? Mine is a bit of both? Lets wish for contentment and a bit of peace inside us eh?

Thank you all for writing how you feel. It is helping a lot. I feel less like a anamoly now at least.