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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to know what I'm supposed to have done

4 replies

CommitteeOffender · 15/07/2020 09:04

Name changed as the person in question could well be on here. I'm not bothered if she reads this, don't want her to tie it in with anything else I've posted.

I'm a staff member in an organisation reporting to a committee which hasn't been a happy group in recent months. Things went a bit pear shaped in lockdown and they started excluding me from their discussions. Ultimately two committee members who were causing major problems with the rest of the organisation suddenly resigned with no notice. The secretary to the committee, whose role ought to be fairly neutral, seems to have been a bit star-struck by these two and has been quite defensive of them. I generally get on OK with her, but she's always had a tendency to make big issues out of things that aren't her business or which have already been dealt with, and one of the people who resigned liked to encourage her - so she's been deprived of that encouragement.

Recently I queried a meeting agenda item about a staff member's employment terms which I didn't think was appropriate. She became very vague about why she wanted it on there, but it ultimately said that in a casual unminuted discussion before the resignations, someone had remarked that this should be raised again. I told her that that didn't surprise me but it still didn't justify this agenda item. She suddenly responded by saying I sounded angry (I wasn't) and she was thinking of resigning.

I've now seen the message where she did in fact resign: it was forwarded to me as others felt I should not have been left out of the recipient list. She's copied in the thread of her agenda discussion with me, which is fine, but she's also specifically said that I accused her of something she didn't do and that I've never apologised.

The thing is, this is completely out of the blue. I'm not aware of accusing her of anything, let alone something so offensive that it's been festering whilst she waited for an apology to the extent that it now justifies resigning.

I am going to tell the committee I have no idea what she's talking about. But I really want to contact her to ask what on earth it is I'm supposed to have done and why she's never raised it with me before. My suspicion is that she's misinterpreted something, and if so I'd like the chance to explain it if only to make her feel better; if it's my fault, I would certainly want to apologise. However, I'm also wondering if the reality is she wanted to resign anyway and is using this as a bit of an excuse as I dared to question her agenda organisation. As her reaction is already rather OTT I'm wondering if she'll characterise that as some sort of attack in itself, particularly as she didn't have the courage to make the accusation directly to me. AIBU to contact her?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 15/07/2020 09:38

It doesn't sound like she would want to hear from you so probably best to just leave her to it.

mummmy2017 · 15/07/2020 10:42

She wants drama.
By not telling you she wants to force you to hound her.
Just don't engage.

growinggreyer · 15/07/2020 10:50

Be careful not to interfere in this. She should have documented any problem and used the grievance process. If she wants to later bring a claim of constructive dismissal you don't want any 'evidence' of emails etc from you which she can characterise as you 'trying to cover up your behaviour'. Leave this to HR.

CommitteeOffender · 15/07/2020 16:33

She's not employed, growinggreyer, so constructive dismissal doesn't arise. And we don't have an HR department.

I don't think she wants drama, otherwise she would have copied me in to her original flounce.

I'm pretty sure that she's misunderstood something, or chosen to misunderstand it. If she has genuinely misunderstood, I would like to correct the misunderstanding. As I still have to deal with her in another context, I don't want this to hang around. There's also an unworthy part of me that doesn't want to have her going around thinking she's successfully shopped me for something I didn't do. Though word is currently that the other committee members really aren't at all impressed by her message.

OP posts:
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