Advice

[TXC4567gnk]

Hi there, just looking for some advice.
So my husband married last year has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 9. What I am needing advice with is that recently the past year she will not coming and stay with us/see us unless I am there so if I am working or out she doesn’t want to stay or come. This has only been the past 9/10 months. We have been staying with my mother and father in law for the past 2 years while saving for the wedding and a house, prior to this step daughter would stay at there house quite often most times on a weekly basics and she is now the same way with them and won’t spend time with them or stay at the house unless I am there. Prior to the wedding myself and daughters mother did not get on and she wouldn’t let me spend time with her unless my husband was there, wouldn’t let me pick her up or drop her off and then after the wedding it all seemed to change, when she needed help with someone to watch daughter she would text me and ask me and started going through me instead of my husband and asking when we can have daughter she would ask me and when she needs to update us with anything - how school is going etc she updates me and not my husband and has since stopped contacting my mother in law to watch daughter, so was just wondering what people’s views are with her daughter now only wanting to stay there when I am there and if I am not then not wanting to come at all whether it’s with my husband or here nana and grandad. We have tried to speak to daughter about it but she either ignores us or says it’s nothing. Just doesn’t make any sense.

Don’t wish to worry you, but do you think there is anyway ‘something untoward happened’ last year that her made her scared to stay without you?

I’m with the past poster or perhaps she just likes you and sees the others as strict.

My girls both around the age of 9/10 started to argue terribly with their dad and because of that they preferred the company of his girlfriend. Also my eldest got hugely embarrassed about hitting the start of puberty and found the girlfriend adjusted her communication but her dad did not (still hasn't 6 years on). Could any of that be relevant?

Personally as close as my daughter's are to my ex's (Now ex) girlfriend I still made sure I arranged everything through their dad. I'd assert that boundary, not out of unhelpfulness but it's like its teaching a bit of a distance between the child and their dad.

At what age did her father (your DH) leave the family home?
As in, has his DD been raised almost exclusively by her mother?
What were the circumstances of the DDs early home life and split? As in were they shouting/arguing in front of the DD when your DH was with the mother?

Has the DD been assessed for attachment disorders? It appears she feels very attached to you as a secondary mother figure. It also appears that she is avoiding being alone with her father.

Strange one-she either really likes you or something happened one time when you weren’t there....

If the mother is favouring you could she be saying something to the child that makes her feel less comfortable with the other adults? Was there a fall out?

Far as I’m aware nothing has happened, daughters mother used to phone my husband when daughter was playing up at her house and get her to speak to her but we have since stopped this purposely because we felt that she was then getting scared on her dad as he would always be the one doing the discipline and with him not being there to know what happened it’s not fair on him to do that but her mum would always say she couldn’t cope or was struggling with her behaviour so he thought he was helping. So they spilt when she was around 10months to 1 year old, has always been between the 2 houses each week, we don’t have shared custody but we do have daughter most of the time.... 3/4 days a week sometimes for a week at a time or longer just depending on what she wants to do. Last year when we got married we felt that the mother was going to try stop the daughter attending our wedding by taking her away on holiday at the same time so my mother in law book a holiday the same week as my wedding to take her on holiday so she couldn’t then say she had plans with her (she has done this in the past) so she asked her mum if she could go and she agreed and then when she found out it was the same week as our weekend she went off on one and since then daughters relationship has changed with her nana, the holiday was a nightmare for my mother in law and then since the wedding her mum has been fine with me but off with my mother in law and husband, buying me gifts for Mother’s Day even though in the past when step daughter asked her mum if i was gonna be her step mum she turned round and told her no I wasn’t, she doesn’t buy anything for my husband when it comes to birthday, Father’s Day or his mum and dad. Doesn’t even get them a card yet this Mother’s Day for my a card and present from daughter. Recently I have been getting my husband to talk to her prior to coming up to make sure that she wants to come up so we aren’t forcing her, and when she does come up and my husband is working she is always asking where he is or what time he’ll be home or if she’s there and he’s at work and I tell her that he is off tomorrow she gets excited that he’s gonna be there and sometimes when he does message her to see if she wants to come up she’ll say yes if you are off work, she’s close with her dad, she doesn’t cuddle a lot of people (my husband and I are currently trying to get her assessed for autism but struggling to get the mum on board) but she will always go a cuddle my husband but doesn’t cuddle with me. I just find it strange that one minute her mother hated my guts and didn’t want me to spend time with her daughter and made mine and my husbands lives very differcult prior to wedding and then all of a sudden after wedding she has completely switched, I was speaking to a friend who kinda went through the same thing and she said it seems like she is trying to cause problems between myself and my husband/his family by the child only wanting to stay there when I am there so that they then think it is something to do with me.