What to do when your partner and DS don’t get on at the minute.

[Popsie17]

Posting here for traffic.

Been with my partner for 8 years. DS was 1 when we met and he’s always treat him as his own. They always had a wonderful bond, they still do now to a certain extent.

DS is 9 but they aren’t getting on at all at the minute. DS doesn’t see much of his bio dad (only once in a while so that’s not the issue). DS knows that oh has been more of a dad to him.

I admit DS can be hard work, he has high functioning autism. But oh has been quick to lose his temper at the minute (nothing terrible, just quick to raise his voice and often sends DS to his room). He’s also very stressed with work which isn’t helping.

It’s becoming hard as DS is constantly picking on Dd for no reason at the minute and I think oh is taking her side. He’s always treated the same but DS is quite nasty to Dd at times and it’s us malt unprovoked so I admit DS needs talking to sternly when he does this and oh doesn’t like seeing Dd upset.

But they just argue at the minute! Although DS isn’t my partners bio son, they are so alike (I guess DS has picked up oh’s mannerisms over the years). Too alike for their own good! Both stubborn, both want to get their point across.

Is this normal for any child to go through this phase with a parent or is it just us?

I don’t know what to do. I know DS can be hard work but sometimes oh is quick to tell him off. Sometimes it’s best just to remain calm and ignore DS (he does most of it for a reaction I’m sure).

DS seems to behave better when it’s just one of us home. He seems to play up more when we are both at home with them at the weekends.

Thing is they both love each other dearly.

I feel like we could really do with some support 😭 DS is diagnosed with autism but very little support around!

Also had a tough year for various reasons and of course lockdown.

Advice please?

Obviously, you do not allow your choice of boyfriend to lose his temper at your kid. Prioritise the children you made, over a boyfriend.

I think you and your partner should do a lot of homework about dealing with special needs children, while at the same time letting your partner know that he is an adult and him nit picking your child is not acceptable. This period in everyone's lives had been like a pressure cooker, but from what you've said, your partner is a good man who loves your son. I think there is a good chance of working through this as long as your partner wants to do better and acknowledges he needs help in communicating with your son. If he doesn't, then you have a big decision to make.

Reading this thread with interest

It’s becoming hard as DS is constantly picking on Dd for no reason at the minute and I think oh is taking her side.

The two things are probably heavily linked.

Your OH is being short with your DS, so your DS is taking that out on your DD. Which makes your OH annoyed, and short with your DS...

The adult in the mix needs to break the cycle of negativity.

@GarlicMcAtackney hardly a 'boy friend' after 8 years. Her oh raised her boy as his. So that makes him his parent.

I would 'choose' my dd over my ds as well of my ds was bullying her all the time. And I would definitely be much more snappy to my ds if he treats his ds with so little respect. Maybe with everything that is going on right now plus the fact that your son is autistic.... I just feel like i can understand it as Everyone is at edge at the moment. Buttt!!! Do talk about it with him. Dont accuse him if anything but tell him what you have observed and how you think this might be able to resolve. Also ask yourself that if your dp was the bio dad of your son, if that would change your feelings...

Nah, they’re legally single, so he is just a boyfriend. ‘Partner’ doesn’t mean anything, bit weird of you to be wittering about semantics instead of the issue of a male losing his temper at someone’s child.