To judge a friend by the company she keeps?

[NCBuddy]

NC in case outing.
Been friends with really nice buddy for years. One of the friends she hangs out with, spends all her time talking about other people, always gossiping, causing trouble, drama and usually trying to work an angle. I keep my distance because I really don’t have the energy for all that, I just don’t like it.
butt.. AIBU to look at my friend differently because she chooses to spend a lot of time with someone like that, and wonder if she’s a bit like this too and I’ve just not seen it before?

Impossible to say really as only you know your friend.

However, I work with a couple of people like that and yet I still really like them. When they start to gossip, I either change the subject or 'suddenly remember something I need to do'.

That way, their behaviour doesn't impact on our relationship, so it's perfectly possible your friend adopts that sort of reaction too.

Yeh that’s a good point. I’ve only seen her in shitstirring mode, bitching behind people's backs or getting people into drama, but I guess she must have other settings.
I’m just finding it hard to imagine friend being able to do that much deflection and whether she actually joins in (maybe reluctantly) which would make me see her differently I think.

My friend does a lot of things that I don’t really agree with and fiddles the system. We have some very different views on some pretty big issues. I struggle with that aspect of the friendship and have for a while. However, we’ve also been friends for a long time, I know her family and she knows mine. She also has many redeeming features and if we don’t focus on the areas of conflict, we have a lot in common and she’s a lovely person. It’s not just a case of cutting her off because I don’t agree with some of her choices. Anyone who chooses not to be friends with me for that isn’t a friend worth having.

I’m just finding it hard to imagine friend being able to do that much deflection and whether she actually joins in (maybe reluctantly) which would make me see her differently I think.

Yes but if you're not witnessing any of that sort of behaviour by your friend, what does it matter to you?

You sound like you're actively looking for reasons to dislike your friend, which is odd.

Meh, I have a few friends that I've been friends with for years, we grew up together, we've drifted in and out of each others lives for a bit but over the past few years have kept more solidly in contact. I know they wouldn't be a lot of peoples cups of tea, half the time they don't have a good word to say about lots of people, I know other people would call them shrewd, out for themselves,sneaky etc but I'm able to disengage from some of their conversations and they know not to include me in most gossip. They'll always be my friends and I'd sooner distance myself from other friends who were arsey about them, infact I have done so in the past.

I would be mindful around some one like that tbh, if they are happy to gossip your affairs will not be immune. Friends like this should never be inner circle friends in my experience.

I'm a little bit judgy on this and am generally more concerned if I feel the person has a weaker personality that might get drawn into things.

If they have a strong personality themselves I'd be inclined to keep my distance a bit as I would feel they've made a stronger decision that they're aligned with the other person's values rather than being subsumed by a larger personality.

@madbirdlady22 yes that’s my worry, it’s a trust thing I think.. @WorraLiberty I suppose my concern is in case this means it’s someone I can’t trust as much as I thought I could.
I understand the points that nobody (including me!) is perfect and any good friendship should be able to overlook certain things.. It feel a bit like a self preservation thing though like I need to pull back a bit, if that makes sense ?

@suggestionsplease1 hadn’t thought of that angle, do you mean whether my friend has strong personality (and made conscious decision) or a weaker one and just sort of goes with the flow (the ‘gossip’ is a very strong extrovert character) ?

[quote NCBuddy]@suggestionsplease1 hadn’t thought of that angle, do you mean whether my friend has strong personality (and made conscious decision) or a weaker one and just sort of goes with the flow (the ‘gossip’ is a very strong extrovert character) ?[/quote]
Yes, I think so. I've had friends who have had weaker boundaries and at vulnerable moments in their lives have become swept along by stronger personalities (and seen it happen in relationships too). It's maybe a bit patronising to think it, but yeah sometimes I think they can become a bit compromised themselves and under a spell.

With stronger personalities I sort of think it can go 2 ways - if they're thick as thieves it suggests to me that they really do feel aligned with the values of that person, so I'd probably want to keep my distance a bit. If they're a strong personality themselves or at least have solid boundaries and enjoy aspects of the other person's company without being intensely intertwined with them and involved with anything malicious then I wouldn't be so concerned.

Trust is everything in a decent friendship, it doesn't sound like she is inspiring much confidence. I would keep her as a friend to hang out with occasionally, and would never confide in her or give a wide berth to the gossiping.

Thanks for the advice all, appreciate it