To think it’s rude to be nasty about other people’s appearance?

[BooFuckingHoo2]

I’m dating at the moment and inevitably if I like a guy and tell my friends, they ask to see a pic. 9/10 they will pick out the flaws i.e. “don’t like his teeth” or “looks like a weirdo”, I’ve even had “oh no he’s a minger”. This is from about 4/5 different friends so not a one person issue.

Now, I get friends sending me pics of their love interests and even if I think the person in the pic is really unattractive I try and find something positive to say, because let’s face it, it’s completely irrelevant if I find their potential partner attractive or not. I would never say “oh god no Jane you can’t date him he’s vile!” as I’ve had said to me before about a guy I was dating.

Or AIBU and fake/not a good friend by not pointing out their new partner isn’t the best looking?

It's not rude to be nasty as per thread title, it's nasty to be rude. Some people are always on the negative though. Your friend has the problem, not you.

YANBU

They're being rude BUT only because that's how you feel.

Some friends and family do that with each other and have no problem with the 'brutal honesty' of their opinions - some don't - and for some reason, your friends believe they can do that with you and it's okay.

Have you thought of telling them how you feel about it? If they're decent people, they'd stop doing it after you've told them you don't enjoy their negativity/put down regarding people you're seeing.

If my friend was seeing someone and I thought he was unattractive I wouldn't dream of saying so. She's the one seeing him not me.

Is this online dating? It sounds like it, if you’ve had this multiple times.

If a friend told me they had started dating a work mate, and sent me their work picture, I would never say anything negative - as I wouldn’t be rude about her choice.

But if it was sharing online photos from internet dating, then I might comment. I’m not a cow, so I wouldn’t be rude for the sake of it - but honestly, yes, I might comment negatively about physical features. But that’s in the context of still on line, first coffee, maybe first few dates. In my experience of OLD, you’re not “with” that person yet... basically, the pre-exclusivity phase is the checking out phase - during which a lot of people do seek opinions. Mine would be more likely to be about their biography. But I’m not above saying, “he sounds nice - but that shirt! You can’t date someone dressed by his mum!”

If this is someone who is actually your boyfriend - it’s rude. But if you’re choosing to share photos during first phase of OLD, I think the context is different - and it’s a context of opinions on photos. You’re part of it by sharing the photos. You don’t have to.

I’m just giggling to myself as posting that made me remember my friend commenting rather negatively (and rightly!) about the shirt of a guy who messaged me. Predictably, yes - reader, I married him

Yeah it’s OLD so there are quite a few of them .

Maybe I’m being a bit precious then by my friends insulting my taste in men. I just think when the shoe is on the other foot and my friend quite likes the look of a guy, I wouldn’t burst her bubble by saying something mean unless she brought it up first, i.e. “he has awful dress sense” I might reply “yes those shoes are dreadful”.

With the friends I’m talking about it tends to be an unsolicited opinion, so I might say I’m going out with a guy tonight, they say “let’s see”, I show them and the insults start.

@gotothecooler I definitely mean it’s rude to be nasty. They’re being rude to me by being nasty about the appearance of men I’ve chosen and therefore implying I’ve got low standards/shit taste.

Don’t show them. It’s similar to discussing baby names over announcing your baby’s name. The first is open to opinion, the second is to be accepted with politeness.

I definitely mean it’s rude to be nasty. They’re being rude to me by being nasty about the appearance of men I’ve chosen and therefore implying I’ve got low standards/shit taste.

Oh. I read it wrong. I thought you were unhappy that they were being nasty about the men. You don't care about the men, just what your friends think about you?

Oh. I read it wrong. I thought you were unhappy that they were being nasty about the men. You don't care about the men, just what your friends think about you?

Well I’m never going to tell the men what my friends said about them so this situation won’t affect them

Yeah, it sounded like OLD, and it sounded like photos of men who aren’t your boyfriend.

It’s rude about the men, and I’d like to say I’m such a nice person that I’d never do it - but honestly, we’re anonymous here so my view is that they don’t know - and OLD can be so soul destroying that it’s part of making it more fun, to canvas opinions from friends. I sent a picture of a guy who messaged me to a friend and said he looked like a serial killer. I don’t feel bad for this.

I also think you’re over sensitive if you think they’re criticising your taste. These men are not your chosen taste - they just got through round 3. (Round 1: want to read profile, Round 2: want to reply, Round 3: want to meet)

At this point - I don’t even call that dating! You don’t know if they are your taste yet.

In many circles, this is just part of OLD. Just stop sending photos or say, “you know what - I’ll share, but please no comments, I don’t like it” (either because you think it’s rude to the unknowing men, or rude to you)

Given that it’s OLD and all about judging (in a normal way, not only mean) I don’t think it’s in the least surprising that you’re getting these comments.

I would be more worried about how negative your friends are. Many many lovely people are not amazing looking in photographs, and as you have probably found out, you need to go out and see someone in real life to get a sense of if they are attractive to you. Having negative nasty comments constantly is just encouraging you to be pickier and ruder than needs be. It won't affect the men you date as you aren't telling them, but it's not conducive to being encouraging/supporting you to find a great partner.

You’re taking it far too personally, by the way. When they insult the men - they’re doing it either because they’re mean, or because they think it’s funny (probably this). It’s not about what they think of your taste. If you really think your friends are doing that, why do you consider them friends?

I've noticed a lot of my younger friends are SO picky about men now, they literally act like they are princesses of the entire World and deserve a 'perfect' prince charming who will treat them like they deserve the World - no mention of their own imperfections or how well they themselves should treat a partner, though!

Of course you should be attracted to someone you enter a relationship with but that is such a minor part of the end result! I would trade in a muscled adonis for a funny, caring, good partner and Dad any day of the week!!

You need someone who will sit beside you and hold your hand in your 80's, not some gym monkey who buys you things!!

Tell them to giver their heads a wobble and go for what feels right, OP.x.

Generally I’d say it was rude, but I’m on the fence for this one because of how you write, possibly they are really unattractive and deep down if you were honest you’d say the same thing, because I don’t say you seeing these guys are gorgeous, more it comes across you think she’s right but would rather she just didn’t point it out to you and you yourself are thinking maybe you need to raise the bar.

So maybe she’s being rude or maybe the truth hurts. It’s hard to tell.

Of course you should be attracted to someone you enter a relationship with but that is such a minor part of the end result

I don’t agree with you, fancying someone is a big part of what drives a relationship, and it’s not about being a gym bunny and even if someone was it doesn’t mean they won’t hold your hand when you’re eighty.

If you don’t fancy them then it’s friendship. No one should settle.

I've never done OLD but is it normal to share photos of people if you've not even been on a date with them? So that you and your friends can criticise the way they look?

If your friends are dicks about the guys you like the look of, maybe just stop sending their photos on...

I could've written this!

YANBU, it's rude and unnecessary.
Ask them if they would like a man they are seeing to show their pics to all their mates and be called ugly etc. I bet they wouldn't.
You can find something nice to say about most peoples appearances, even if it's "kind eyes" or "clear skin" or something. Why be horrible?

I don’t think it’s got anything to do with being picky - though I do think OLD encourages pickiness as it’s fairly easy to find someone else to try.

So much humour is based on being about people’s appearance. Shakespeare is full of it. I can’t begin to tell you why it’s funny - but I expect it’s to do with pushing a perceived boundary, creating shock.

Are these negative comments coming back within a group, OP? That makes it even worse as people egg each other on for laughs.

A WhatsApp that goes:

• omg, serial killer alert!
• I know, OP - we’ll call you at 10pm as a get out l, or you’ll end up being made into a handbag!

is more likely to raise laughs than one that goes:

• he has lovely brown eyes
• I can see why you like him

Not everyone’s humour is the same, of course. But stop and think about your daily interactions, comedy shows... and how much of that is based on “pisstaking.”

I’m not saying you have to like it, but I am saying if you think it’s genuinely a comment from them on your bad taste... you’re taking it far too personally.

Don't show their photos then! Just say you'd rather not, or you don't have one, or whatever.

I am not attracted to any of my friend's partners/husbands as we all have different tastes and to be honest, I have never really gone for typically 'good looking' men...more something about their personality or something that grabs my attention.

It would be a bit crap if we were all attracted to the same people wouldn't it!

Perhaps you could kindly ask them to not comment if they don't have anything positive to say as you don't pick apart their partner's looks.