To be annoyed with DH insisting DS go to nursery today

[Jnet28]

We got back from a long trip last night and didn't step foot in the house until gone 9pm. There was a fire on our train route so trains were cancelled and we were massively delayed. By the time we'd eaten and bathed DS he didn't go to sleep until past 11. This is an exception, a one off due to the circumstances but obviously everybody is knackered this morning.

DS (3) goes to nursery twice a week mainly for the socialization, I'm a SAHP so it's not exactly necessary as in we dont rely on the childcare, yet DH said we will "look bad" if we don't send him because he "needs" to be in nursery

Personally I think everybody, primarily DS, would have benefited more not having to get up so early after spending the previous day travelling on multiple trains all day.

It's the last day of nursery term and then he's off for the summer holidays anyway.

Who is BU?

Who really cares what anyone else thinks? This kind of fear is becoming pervasive: the need to be seen to be "doing the right thing", rather than using one's own common sense and authority.

Is your DH always slavishly conformist? That would actually worry me, especially in respect of parenting decisions.

He's there now albeit a little late. I wasn't going to rush him the sake of being on time today. I did ask DH to take him because I'm tired myself and my feet ache.

I wrote a note in his journal to explain he may be tired and if overly so then that is why and to call me if needs be.

Who really cares what anyone else thinks? This kind of fear is becoming pervasive: the need to be seen to be "doing the right thing", rather than using one's own common sense and authority

Yes quite. There is a distinct pattern emerging these days whereby parents feel obliged to pander to other people wrt how they're viewed as a parent.

I'd have let him sleep and taken him in after breakfast. DD rocks up at all sorts of times if I'm not in school, nursery have never minded.

So what makes life easier

In this instance , staying at home to rest for everyone

Why cut of your nose to spite your face.. oh because dh won't be dealing with the consequences of an overtired child..

I was going to say YANBU but the I saw that it’s his last day for this term. I would take him in in this occasion.

It's 'Wouldn't HAVE'......
NOT...............................'Wouldn't OF'........!!
Standards people.
Standards.

his reasoning is he thinks we will "look bad" for disrupting his routine and not "putting him first"

Well, if his major concern is “looking bad” to others, then it’s him that’s not putting your DS’s needs as the priority, isn’t it?

I wouldn’t have sent him in. Your DH needs to start thinking about what’s best for his DS not ‘what other people will think’. That’s actually quite worrying.

I would have let him have a lie in and take him in a bit late.

As a parent I've certainly found you have to practice putting your child first and sometimes it can be uncomfortable especially if you're the sort of person to be compliant or who doesn't like conflict. We don't put our own needs first so it doesn't always come easily but we do need to put their needs first. What did he need? Rest. I'd have let him rest. He was tired.

I don’t think it would look bad and wouldn’t worry about that but I think you did the right thing sending him. Just for consistency, and especially with it being his last day.

Does DH work?

If so, one thing I'd say is that as SAHP this is your call - just as if you decreed that DH shouldn't take that half day he'd planned for today as it would 'look bad' to his employers despite him being tired after travelling ... that wouldn't be up to you. The kids are your job and you get the final say in everyday stuff like this because YOU are the one spending all that time with them, you know their routines, you know what's best. Heck YOU are the one who presumably knows nursery and the routine and what he'd get out of his last day.

Yes the big decisions are joint, but I hate the way there's this casual minimising of the role of SAHP - he should be looking to you and it should be automatic that you get the final say here. SAHP is a real job. You're the expert. You are the one putting your time into this and developing the skills. He can respect the fact that he doesn't do that and leave the daytime routine in your hands. You're the one sacrificing your career to do this, it can bloody well be respected - your turf.

Secondly... his reasoning makes it worse. So the non-SAHP can casually overrule the expertise of the SAHP basically to make them feel better?

Ok, time to tell DH you think he really should do X work project THIS way and put this slide in the powerpoint instead because it would make you feel better.

I agree that he needs to go in for his last day. It would have been more sensible to not put a 3 year old in a position that he was kept up so ridiculously late on a school night that he had to go in exhausted. And I don’t get how it took you so long to put him to bed. Personally I’d have fed him on the way home and swerved the bath. Or even if I’d done what you did, I would have had him fed and bathed within half an hour max. I dont understand why giving him a quick dinner and a wash took 2-3 hours

He's 3! No way would I have sent him

I would definitely have sent ds1 in for his last day as I was still practicing my “Super Mummy of the decade” act. I gave all that up long before ds3 came along so he’d have had a pyjama day! I don’t think it matters whether you send him or not but, going forward, it will be difficult if your dh is “insisting” on actions you don’t agree with especially when you are the SAHP.

—And, exactly what @FizzyGreenWater said.

If you were actually putting him first you would let him sleep in and then take him in late.

So your DH cares more about people thinking you’ve put him first, than actually putting him first.