My kids sleeping over at EX’s horrible family

[cocobutta]

First of all, I FINALLY DID IT!!!!
Its been 2weeks and even though i (esp kids) miss him, the horrific migraines, the swollen faces, after 13 yrs together, i got rid of the abusive narc bully!!!! HuRRAY (still strange & feel scared n lonely)

So, the coparenting is a struggle so far, in terms of what he does with them, how he cares for them etc ETC which i’ve allowed for now as we are all learning new changes.

So what i’m asking about, is whether its ok to
a) Say: No/ I don't want this happening/ i don’t condone or give permission for XYZ
To the kids dad when, specifically he wants to take the kids have sleepover for the time he has them - at his sisters family house?
During the marriage - esp the end few years, they were all incredibly aggressive, emotionally abusive and dismissed all his many levels of abuse towards me and blamed it on my “need for anti-depressants” (wasn’t true, i was just broken as nobody believed my charming husband treated me badly behind closed doors)
So BACK TO the topic, i’m ok with the kids visiting these people “family” occasionally as they are the kids relatives & they are mostly fine towards my kids.
But because they are incredibly covertly toxic, their whole approach to life (insisting gender roles, no concept of health, snobby Conservatives, classist, racist & uptight - my kids are mixed race) doesn't align with the love and values I've worked hard to instil with our girls (5&6)

Im confused.
I want them to remain having relationship with their dad - as long as he’t treat them like he did me.
And i’m aware that kids will be around people who aren’t good to them or that I like.
But for things like sleepovers for 3 days a week every week for the forseeable? Can i say no to this? What rights do i have if any for this?

(Relevant context: he bought himself a caravan style van to stay in and drives around the city to find quiet spots - this was only His choice - i told him i would GIVE him deposit to rent a flat which he refused and assumed “this will all blow over” and didn't want to commit to a contract. So the kids have been sleeping with him on random streets and park edges etc - which honestly I'm not comfortable with either)

You need to understand this was a HUGE step for me, i am all alone in a new city (many thought i needed to stick it out in this marriage) And for years felt like & was told that “husbands are like this” & i felt crushed in my soul and spirit and mental health.

Is this something I have to allow or can i say No? Or compromise somewhere?

Congratulations, your new life has started.
I cannot give you any advice I’m afraid, but I just wanted to wish you all the best. 💐 xx

I would say it’s reasonable to restrict overnight access until he has suitable accommodation. However, I have no experience so you may want to seek legal advice over this. I would say he is classed as homeless so it’s not reasonable for your kids to live like that a few nights a week.

as above ! until he has suitable accomodation, i do not think overnights are suitable!

as above ! until he has suitable accomodation, i do not think overnights are suitable!

Probably sleeping in the van not ideal for most of us - but some people choose to live like that and it can be fine depending on the state of the van and the type of places he parks it. If you push it he would probably argue that staying at his sisters solves that problem...

If he is an abusive bully then you won't get very far trying to lay down rules about what he can and can't do as long as they are safe and he is meeting their needs (food, healthcare, education etc). Sometimes people like this only respond to legal challenge so I would get legal advice asap.

It's a shame that his families values are so different to yours but unless they are actually emotionally or physically harming the kids you really won't be able to do much about them having contact.

Get legal advice or move to the other side of the country in the hope that he'll loose interest maybe?

I think you’re right to restrict overnight access but I don’t know how you would enforce that without a child arrangements order. You need to speak to a solicitor because right now he could just pick them up and keep them overnight (or longer) and the police would do nothing, they wouldn’t make him return them to you because he also has parental responsibility and just as much right to keep them as you. I think you need to see legal advice ASAP and yes, restrict overnight access until he has suitable accommodation.

3 nights a week is not something even a judge would award, I think, particularly when he doesn’t have suitable accommodation for the girls. I’d put a complete stop to overnights until he has somewhere to live. Just be aware that he can refuse to return them as he no doubt has parental responsibility. I would get them home then tell him he needs to get a court order for access if he kicks off. A lot of non resident parents have alternate weekends. And don’t feel sorry for the arsehole who has abused you for years.

I wouldn’t allow my children to be trailed around in a van three nights a week. Not at all. If he can’t put a roof over their heads, he can’t have the overnight. There’s nothing to say they can’t have day time visits.
The occasional sleepover at their aunts would be ok, maybe monthly or even once a week, but three nights is too much.
I’d say he needed to take me to court if he wanted more than that.