I'm no use professionally now I'm a mum

[Welda18]

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I just feel women in general are so disadvantaged professionally once they become mums. It's still such an old fashioned world out there. Employers forget you exist once you're a mum and working part-time, you lose the momentum, the connections and the skills. Having my babies was the best thing I've ever done but OMG it has ruined me in other ways.

Motherhood has done something physically and mentally to me as well; my brain has turned to mush. I struggle to think for myself. I forget things I said seconds previously. I've lost motivation for the things that I thought I wanted. I don't know what I want professionally anymore now that I've got the all-consuming full-time commitment of being a mum.

A career of some description would be great but the tug of motherhood and being present and emotionally "in the room" for the kids throws shadows of doubt over thoughts about developing myself professionally.

I've got two boys - one has just turned 6 & the little one is 19 months. I work part-time, 3 days a week, but honestly, I just feel so useless these days. I feel like I wouldn't know where to start trying to enter the professional world again. For pretty much the entirety of my 30's I have been feeding, and nappy-changing, doing endless rounds of housework, cooking dinners, entertaining kids; like most mums do. And now, when I think about my working future I get a mild sense of panic.

I have nothing to offer any employer that they would want! I can look after kids and feed babies but my workplace confidence has gone. The thought of sitting an interview scares me because I know I'd be up against candidates who have the connections, the up-to-speed skills and rhetoric to put me to shame!

I'm 38 next month and I feel like an old dame. My body and mind are gone - or at least, changed so completely that I'm not the person I was. Motherhood has utterly consumed me. Do any other women feel like this? Or did you manage to bounce back professionally?

[bridgetreilly]

I think YABVU to assume that all employers are the same in this respect. Plenty of employers are working very hard to enable mothers to progress in their career, because they know how valuable they still are.

[Goosefoot]

@Welda18

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I just feel women in general are so disadvantaged professionally once they become mums. It's still such an old fashioned world out there. Employers forget you exist once you're a mum and working part-time, you lose the momentum, the connections and the skills. Having my babies was the best thing I've ever done but OMG it has ruined me in other ways.

Motherhood has done something physically and mentally to me as well; my brain has turned to mush. I struggle to think for myself. I forget things I said seconds previously. I've lost motivation for the things that I thought I wanted. I don't know what I want professionally anymore now that I've got the all-consuming full-time commitment of being a mum.

A career of some description would be great but the tug of motherhood and being present and emotionally "in the room" for the kids throws shadows of doubt over thoughts about developing myself professionally.

I've got two boys - one has just turned 6 & the little one is 19 months. I work part-time, 3 days a week, but honestly, I just feel so useless these days. I feel like I wouldn't know where to start trying to enter the professional world again. For pretty much the entirety of my 30's I have been feeding, and nappy-changing, doing endless rounds of housework, cooking dinners, entertaining kids; like most mums do. And now, when I think about my working future I get a mild sense of panic.

I have nothing to offer any employer that they would want! I can look after kids and feed babies but my workplace confidence has gone. The thought of sitting an interview scares me because I know I'd be up against candidates who have the connections, the up-to-speed skills and rhetoric to put me to shame!

I'm 38 next month and I feel like an old dame. My body and mind are gone - or at least, changed so completely that I'm not the person I was. Motherhood has utterly consumed me. Do any other women feel like this? Or did you manage to bounce back professionally?

Hmm. I don't think I bounced back professionally. My kids are 15, 12, 10 and 3, so I've never gone back to FT work, or even in the same type of work.

But I rethought what I am interested in, what would make for an enjoyable life. I've, almost by chance, ended up doing work in areas that I'd never have considered, as well as unpaid roles that are fulfilling. I've found that work doesn't, in itself, need to be part of my identity.

The mush brain thing is temporary - you do come back - I've found in many ways I am far more organised and competent and calm than I was before. I can multi-task and don't panic. I found it helped once the youngest were old enough to be left a bit to do something more mentally or intellectually oriented on a regular basis. I've occasionally done study groups, or conferences related to my area of study, that kind of thing. At the beginning I didn't always engage fully, but since it wasn't something I was being paid for, it didn't matter. But it was nice to have some time to myself and talk to people interested in other things than children.

[rvby]

Your youngest isn't yet old enough for you to feel human just yet, IMO! I didn't start to get my brain back until DC was 2.5yo. Brain mush happens partly because you are being torn in so many directions trying to keep a toddler from braining himself on the fireplace etc.

I will say that I have never perceived myself as doing "rounds of housework" or cooking loads of dinners... I have always phoned it in as regards housework. Can you start doing that?

You may just need to clear some brainspace for yourself. Are you eating, sleeping, exercising? Do you have any time for yourself each day? Do you have a partner?

[speakout]

I understand OP.

My career was over once I had kids.
Not the sort of job that was compatable with parenting anyway, lots of unplanned overtime, travel.

I had no family support at all, and my DS had a chrosnic health condition that meant he only had a 75% attendance at school- too ill for a childminder.
Throw a second child into that mix, an OH who worked away a lot, and my career was fucked.
I had to jack in my job.
Now 20 years down the line I never did continue my career- I have been out of the workplace for two decades- probably unemployable now!!
But I have found other things to occupy my time, and actually really glad in retrospect that my career was knocked off the rails!!

[Monkeynuts18]

The ‘part time = not committed’ attitude is a terrible (and discriminatory) problem. I hope that this attitude will become less prevalent but there’s no denying it’s there.

[BerylReader]

I feel like there are so many similarities in your post OP. I don’t feel I could go back and do the job I used to do and I definitely don’t think I could do an interview now. I’ve been volunteering for a while but still have imposter syndrome in that. I feel that I was still expected to put in as much effort as part time as I would have at full time and I couldn’t it without feeling guilty or missing out on time with the family. DH was supportive but it made me feel like I was failing as a mum. I gave up work in the end.

[dameofdilemma]

Its easy to fall into the trap of thinking women are just not ambitious/confidant/ballsy enough. That's what we're told.
The status quo is the way it is because ITS OUR OWN FAULT.

Why are the vast majority of part-time workers and primary parents (not to mention single parents - a career conundrum all of its own) - women?
Is it really just all down to a lack of ooomph?

Or is it more to do with entrenched workplace discrimination which results in too many women in low paid work, too many passed over for promotion and often long before they have children (if they have them at all)?

Not to mention the giant gender pay gap which not surprisingly forces many couples to sacrifice the lower paid (female) career.

Great that girls do better in education and in some professions more women succeed at junior level. Doesn't last though somehow does it?

Recommend a read of this. There's a lot more going on here than 'just be more assertive'

www.theguardian.com/world/2020/jul/07/how-coronavirus-is-widening-the-uk-gender-pay-gap

[Dk20]

The 'mush brain' - I only survive this by having a diary and sticky notes. Every time I'm asked to do anything I write it down so I cant forget it.
When it comes to overtime, I cannot stay late in the office, I have to leave at my finish time. Dp works away mon-fri so I have to get home to get the kids and get them to bed. Once they are in bed I log back on to work to do overtime.
I have a 6yo and a 13month old. I'm hoping that once the baby gets older it will start getting easier.

[Mary46]

Depends on employer too. I work hard but zero flexibility. He a pure stickler even for a day off. Sometimes your confidence dips. Didnt return since lockdown thank god!!

[KickAssAngel]

I know that many women do manage to have a successful career after children, but:

Capitalism requires a certain % of the workforce to be expendable. It needs the flexibility to cope with highs and lows of demand. Of course, it doesn't have to be certain groups who get pushed towards the pile of 'expendables' but it is easier to do that than work on a case by case basis. So, the people with the least cultural capital become the most expendable to the workforce. That doesn't mean that all women get treated like that, but in general women are treated like that more than men. Skin color also factors into it. (Dis) ability is another major factor.

How individuals and families make their decisions is heavily influenced by the structure of capitalism, so even when someone says "you chose to go part-time" they're really commenting on how capitalism requires a large number of people to be part-time in order to support young children within society (otherwise we'd need better childcare provision, potentially state-supported).

You're actually performing a very important role for your family and society as a whole, you just don't get respected for it as then we'd have to admit that we need people 'no use'.

[WhatWillSantaBring]

Absolutely right @dameofdilemma - entrenched sexism by both men and women, as some of the posters on this thread have shown.

You can’t choose to go part time and then complain that you’re employer has lost interest in you. - still seething at this comment. It's old fashioned, short-sighted and very possibly illegal discrimination. If anyone who worked for me or with me expressed a view like this, they'd be frogmarched straight off to have some D&I training (as well as given a very firm lecture from me).

Anyway, to address the OP - your DC are still very young, and it is very hard - your brain does feel like mush, and it is easy to lose confidence (particularly if one of your sources of confidence previously was your work and career - so you're in a vicious cycle where you don't get the confidence boost of working, and so don't have the confidence to work).

What I have come to realise is that the women who do appear to have it all often have one of the following:
-a high earning partner or a very high earning role themselves, both of which enables them to pay for high quality, wrap around childcare and to outsource many of the other domestic tasks (cleaners, gardeners, meal boxes etc);
-parents who live locally and help a lot with childcare;

• partners who take on at least 50% of the domestic work.

[the first being the most common of the women I know who have the most demanding roles]

I very much suspect that those who don't have any of the above are either superheroes (and therefore NOT representative of normal people) or they're lying. Or they're on so many prescription and non-prescription drugs that they've lost touch with reality! I've been working F/T since my DC2 was 1, and for five years managed to get a stella career out of it, but it nearly killed me. I had no time for anything other than work, domestic chores and the children, and no energy to look after myself - ended up on ADs and in therapy (the final straw was, ironically, discovering that my male peer was on £15k a year more than me).

I've since changed careers slightly to a less stressful job, and although I'm now bored shitless, I can at least cope, and I'm hoping I can get my career back on track when the DC are older. I can, however, feel my confidence at work slipping away, rapidly.

[PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks]

I don't really agree OP, it all depends how you (as a family) do it.

Taking 6-9 months ML vs 1year or more.
Both parents take turns to stay home when the baby/child is unwell vs Mum does it all the time. Same to cover school holidays etc.
Going part time 80% vs 50%.

All of these will impact how you are treated in the workplace.

FWIW I did a mix of the above: stayed home for 2 years (I had twins so you could say I took 2 sets of ML at once!) then went back 4 days a week BUT I was already 4 days a week before having them.
DH and I share all time off needed for the DC equally.
Conclusion after 4y back at work: I am not treated differently than my male coworkers and not seen as 'just a mum' when I am at work.

[PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks]

cross post with @WhatWillSantaBring and you are not wrons: yes we did have a cleaner + during the the pre-school years we had a nanny which is way easier than having to do nursery pick-ups/drop-offs.

[Teacaketotty]

I totally understand OP, DD is nearly one now and my career has been a disaster since I had her.

During my pregnancy I was pulled into a meeting to make sure “I would perform my role to my usual standard” despite the fact I worked until the day I gave birth and took not one sick day my whole pregnancy. I was made redundant during my ML.

Got a new job, agreed flexible working to finish at 3pm - they retracted that agreement because “other people in the office thought it was unfair” so I handed in my notice as I couldn’t make staying until 6pm work plus I felt everyone judged me. Honestly I think it gave me postnatal anxiety as I was only 6 months PP at this point.

Still looking for a new job now - however DD is still the best thing I’ve ever done, career down the pan or not.

[oblada]

”partners who take on at least 50% of the domestic work.
[the first being the most common of the women I know who have the most demanding roles]”

I agree that this is something that is very much needed but why is that not a given? In your list that's the only thing I do have. My DH doesn't have a much higher salary than me (was on par until recently when he got quite a big promotion but that is v recent indeed). And we have absolutely no help with childcare as both our families are abroad. We rely on paid childcare. But yes my DH does take his share of things. Maybe not of domestic chores but he does do his bit and he certainly shares the responsibilities when it comes to our children. I wouldn't have it any other way to be honest.

There are various factors at play: Yes probably still sexism in the workplace/some industries, societal bias etc but also choices made by women to downplay their skills and importance and instead facilitate the career of their partner rather than their own / allow their partner to not share the domestic load

[Thecurtainsofdestiny]

It is possible to return. I did, after more than 10 years out of my profession. Was hard, very hard! I returned at a very junior level, worked my way up, and am now in my dream job.

My partner did go part time for a while to facilitate this though.

[Lazypuppy]

I'd say its the part time element thqt has had more of an impact.

I went back full time, and have had 2 promotions in 2 years since i've been back. However my part time colleagues struggle more as promotions tend to have different working hours

[SickOfNorthernExile]

Single mum here. DS is 4. Started new career and been promoted to my company’s most senior non-exec role in 3 years.

I work 4 days in the office but put in a lot of overtime at night to keep ahead.
It’s a slog now but it’ll be worth it (I’m hoping) in the long run.

[rottiemum88]

Not sure I can really relate to this. I had DS when I was 30, almost 31 with a fairly well established career. I was on maternity leave until he was 7.5 months old and then went back to work full time. It was always my intention to do so and I don't regret it. I enjoy my job and my professional identity is a big part of who I am. Life is busy these days but I wouldn't have it any other way. That said, whilst I love DS to pieces, I'm not (and have ever been) very maternal, so maybe that has an impact.

My own mum gave up her job as a drama teacher when she had me and was a SAHM until I went to school. She then had various part time jobs as a TA, cleaner, retail worker, etc over the years. She'll freely admit now that she sacrificed a job she loved in order to be at home to raise me, which at the time she felt was the right thing to do, but in hindsight perhaps not. Growing up I always remember feeling sad that she seemed so unhappy and unfulfilled in her various jobs, having turned her back on a career she loved. As a teenager, I think I also lost some respect for her for (as my arrogant teenage self perceived it) not "trying hard enough" to have it all.

[RednaxelasLunch]

I don't think it's the end of the world to be hell for leather in one's career, have kids and then change the way one feels about work, go back to work but have a different attitude and maybe give fewer fucks.

We don't have to stay the same all our lives, we're allowed to grow and change our priorities and our personalities.

[Devlesko]

It's not that having a baby means you can't be a professional.
It does mean that you and your partner need to make sacrifices when they are young, we all do whether we work or not.
Most professional women I know have an equal relationship and share hours of working and parenting.
A man who gets to the top of his career usually has a woman for support, to do most things including the parenting. I don't see how it could be different for a woman in the same position.

[tigger001]

Ok @Welda18 stop beating yourself up.You sounds really hard on yourself and seem to hold a lot of self value based on a job role, don't. There are so many other ways to value yourself on.

Could it be your priorities have just changed. You don't want the same things now you have your kids? that is perfectly fine, motherhood does change some people and that's fine. You don't need to want to be a professional anything if it's not what you want.

You are still working 3 days a week so motherhood isn't all consuming you, you are still in the workplace. If you want to change the direction of your work 38 isn't impossible.

If you think your brain is going to mush, start training it again, Why not look at doing a distance learning course, even if it's not for your profession, just to keep your brain active, do something you are interested in?

You will have lots to offer an employer, you may need to make your CV a bit more relevant, training or volunteering.
Some of the other people in the interview will also be nervous and anxious, regardless of there skills.

Be kind to yourself

[Stuckforthefourthtime]

What I have come to realise is that the women who do appear to have it all often have one of the following: -a high earning partner or a very high earning role themselves, both of which enables them to pay for high quality, wrap around childcare and to outsource many of the other domestic tasks (cleaners, gardeners, meal boxes etc); -parents who live locally and help a lot with childcare; - partners who take on at least 50% of the domestic work. [the first being the most common of the women I know who have the most demanding roles]

This. I am one of those people. I am one of the more senior women in my office and have been asked to speak in public as a representative of women in my industry. Inevitably someone asks about work life balance and I am really honest about relying on our amazing nanny and cleaner - it's not relatable or likeable but saying anything else is BS, I have 4 dcs and my job would not physically be achievable if I had to rely on school wraparound and nursery for childcare. It's barely achievable as it is, and I feel like a hypocrite talking about flexibility and balance when I've had 4 hours sleep because I started on work emails while breastfeeding a sleepless baby at 5.30am so I could take the older kids to school at 8.30 etc. Coronavirus hasn't helped this because it's made our work busier, and hollowed out support, DH and I are like ships in the night. The only thing stopping me from quitting is being the main earner, and fear of not finding anything at all to replace it.

So, the short version is that you have to make some shit choices - I AM of use professionally, an an adequate mum but pretty mediocre friend, sister, daughter and sometimes wife, because there just aren't enough hours in the day.

[AhNowTed]

@Stuckforthefourthtime

I would agree with you.

I have a successful career but no you're absolutely right, we can't do it all and I'm fortunate that I didn't have to.

Whilst we have no family here whatsoever, we did have a wonderful childminder. Our second child had serious health issues and our CM took them on, when in reality looking back one of us should have given up work.

My husband worked locally, as I was the one who travelled.

And he does all the cooking.

Without that level of support it just can't be done.