I'm no use professionally now I'm a mum

[Welda18]

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I just feel women in general are so disadvantaged professionally once they become mums. It's still such an old fashioned world out there. Employers forget you exist once you're a mum and working part-time, you lose the momentum, the connections and the skills. Having my babies was the best thing I've ever done but OMG it has ruined me in other ways.

Motherhood has done something physically and mentally to me as well; my brain has turned to mush. I struggle to think for myself. I forget things I said seconds previously. I've lost motivation for the things that I thought I wanted. I don't know what I want professionally anymore now that I've got the all-consuming full-time commitment of being a mum.

A career of some description would be great but the tug of motherhood and being present and emotionally "in the room" for the kids throws shadows of doubt over thoughts about developing myself professionally.

I've got two boys - one has just turned 6 & the little one is 19 months. I work part-time, 3 days a week, but honestly, I just feel so useless these days. I feel like I wouldn't know where to start trying to enter the professional world again. For pretty much the entirety of my 30's I have been feeding, and nappy-changing, doing endless rounds of housework, cooking dinners, entertaining kids; like most mums do. And now, when I think about my working future I get a mild sense of panic.

I have nothing to offer any employer that they would want! I can look after kids and feed babies but my workplace confidence has gone. The thought of sitting an interview scares me because I know I'd be up against candidates who have the connections, the up-to-speed skills and rhetoric to put me to shame!

I'm 38 next month and I feel like an old dame. My body and mind are gone - or at least, changed so completely that I'm not the person I was. Motherhood has utterly consumed me. Do any other women feel like this? Or did you manage to bounce back professionally?

[BessMarvin]

@DonutDolittle

Bess totally agree. Before kids I had nothing in my life to prioritise above work. Children have changed my outlook on life and for me, being happy is my priority which meant a mix of low demand work and more time at home. I'm a better parent and employee when happy!

Did you change careers? The idea scares me, plus not actually knowing what I would do.

[Kaiserin]

OP, two things:

1. regarding brain mush, are you getting enough sleep? You sound clinically depressed, or at least struggling with excessive mental load.
   
   See here for mental load and motherhood:
   english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
   
   Try and do something to improve your mental health, in particular boost your self-esteem (hint: AIBU is not the right place for that, quite the opposite)
   
   
2. I felt like you before returning to work after two babies (and it was a struggle). But then I realised motherhood had actually given me a brand new skill: I'd mastered the art of good enough. I got amazingly good at prioritising, at seeing which tasks were essential, and which could be done without. At saving time and,therefore, money. This is an extremely valuable skill to bring into the professional world. You may not realise it, but, by handling the mental load of motherhood, it's likely you've developed that skill too.
   
   You will still have to convince employers, but first, you need to believe in yourself. I was like you, so I believe in you. But do you?

[PenguinIce]

I think it depends on the individual and how well they can keep their work and home life separate so the are fully focused and each one when they are there. I really struggle with this and am constantly worrying about work when I am at home and worrying about the kids when I am at work! (Appreciate this is why I have not been promoted since having kids 🤣)

[Namechangequeen8]

I'm just about to go back into work after 12 months maternity and I feel the same. What I did though (and it may help you) was end my old job (which was soul destroying and would have required me to be jumping straight into my old role which wouldnt have worked with children) and started thinking more long term about my career. A few months of working with a job coach through a charity and making sure I followed up every job application with a letter, i got lucky. I have just landed an apprenticeship working from home on a full salary for a company that knows Im a working mum and will offer support. The jobs do exist. Ive gone from stressed and worried to excited. Hope you find something that suits you and your family, you are amazing!

[oblada]

I agree it is partly a choice. I have 3 children and a 4th on the way. Even though I've continued to progress in my career. I've taken 6-9months off each time and returned to full-time work every time (did 1 yr at 4days per week and wouldn't have minded doing that again but it wasn't really an option with my 2nd child and I didn't want to go to 3days per week). I'm not mad career motivated but I do like my job and I am relatively ambitious.
I've kept on going. Quite a lot of my colleagues over the years would not even have known I had children.

It really doesn't have to make a massive impact if you don't want it to. It's up to you and of course up to your DH to decide the balance you want to strike.

My DH is further ahead than me career wise but not massively so and he is 3yrs old and more educated. And it was never rly an option for him to properly share the leave (breastfeeding being one consideration and other considerations being practical). So overall I don't think I'm far behind and I'll catch up!

[JammyHands]

The fuzzy mind thing that gets blamed on motherhood started for me in my late 30s - and I have never had children.

[DonutDolittle]

Bess yep I changed from teaching to an activities coordinator role. It was scary but it was the old me hanging on to my teaching career. Being a mum did change me and changing my job to match the "new me" had such a positive impact on my life.

That's not a dig to anyone who has made different choices, as long as you're all happy then different people make different choices is wonderful. Mothers aren't a homogeneous group, and just like fathers aren't!

[BessMarvin]

That sounds great Donut I'm glad that's worked out well for you.

I've a bit more maternity leave left and even then there's probably no rush so I'm going to put my thinking cap on.

Sorry for minor detail op

[BessMarvin]

Derail!

[Harrysmummy246]

I'm not working but my mum went back FT after my younger sister was in school and job share/ consultancy before that as her brain was melting (I'm paraphasing but she's highly intelligent and needs to use her brain). By the end of her career, she was a director of housing for a council arms length organisation, managing many people and budgets of millions. We were at family friends' houses after school til a parent was home til mid secondary school

Feeling useless is more pointing to you rather than careers as a whole for mothers I think as others have said

[dontdisturbmenow]

Some rolrs will not be impacted when done 3 days. Many that involve management, supervision, and decision making will. There is no two ways about it. If you are managing a large team and you're not around on two days to ensure the team is performing, it will inevitably impact on the business.

Its not penalising mothers, it's penalising the person who wants to work PT. Many mother's opt to work FT to keep their higher level jobs. You just can't have your cake and eat it.

[Applesarenice]

It took 3 years after the birth of my youngest to feel like me again. Socially and professionally. Remember this is only a temporary stage and you’ll be back to yourself in the workplace soon

[Pinkdelight3]

I think it gets easier when your littlest one turns two. Until then, you're still in the wind tunnel. But you'll come through it. My 30s are a blur of motherhood, but then I really got myself back and I see a lot of women like me coming into their own in their 40s. The issue is more that we're conditioned to see careers from a male framework whereas we can be a slower burn but sustain ourselves better and keep growing longer term. More of a multiple orgasm approach over a long sesh than a male's single - and arguably less fulfilling - arc.

[Northernlass99]

This makes me feel so sad. It's something you really need to plan for. I have colleagues who really planned and did this well, getting their qualifications and learning up to date before they went off etc, keeping in touch, popping in with the baby etc. Other colleagues made it clear that they couldn't wait to get away from work and then disappeared, came back then had a second child really quickly and by the end of that were completely out of touch.

Its something you really need to plan for from the beginning if it is important to you. Having said that you can turn it around by doing some training, getting active on LinkedIn or social media, etc. Sometimes you need the mental stimulation to get you going IYKWIM.

[DefinatelyAWeeGobshite]

Which type of job are you working in OP?

I’m a nurse and went back to work full time (3 x 12.5 shifts, one week of 4) and I struggled so so much. I switched to another hospital as they self roster and I done that for a year. I figured choosing my own days would help, however it was also extremely difficult to manage for us. I now work in the same place but two days a week (23 hours) and finally things have clicked into place! For me I tried to stay full time but after 3 years of struggling I just couldn’t do it anymore, my work hasn’t been impacted and in fact I’m able to concentrate more now rather than worrying about stuff at home. I’m a much happier person and enjoy going to work now.

Is there any way of changing career, department or place so you can work part time but still feel valued and feel good in yourself?

[GrumpyHoonMain]

@SiennaSienna

This may be controversial but I think it depends on how much of a career you had before motherhood, at least in my experience. I was a career woman when I had my first at 31 and then my second two years later. I took full maternity leave but stayed with my employer who values my work (still with them 14 years on). I was promoted while pregnant with #1 and picked up a global role after returning from my second maternity leave. I'm sure it would be harder to start from scratch if I hadn't had a successful career and track record before having children. I also didn't take extended time off after maternity, which is something not all women are willing to do.

Agree with this.

[Embracelife]

This is much more about your self confidence.

You do not have mother written on your forehead.

No one at work knows you ve been elbow deep in pooey nappy...unless you choose to tell them.
You don't sign every email with your parental status unless it s relevant to your job.

No one knows from my email how many kids I have...they judge the content.

You can change nappies and go the park with kids on Sunday and Monday morning and still go to work and switch your brain to other matters.
Lots of professional women are mothers.
Lots of Professional men are fathers.

Challenge that
What s the difference? You? Society?

[Idontlikewednesdays]

I hate to tell you this but wait until you’re menopausal. It’s all really turns to rat shit then!

[ukgift2016]

I am planning to go back full time after maternity. Not a mother's work part time.

[MummyOfZog]

I don't feel like this myself, but people's experiences are different of course.

For me, I had maternity leave (1 yr) and then went back to my role 4 days per week. My workload is essentially the same as my FT role, except I now do it in 4 days rather than 5. I do think this is the crux as my colleagues on 3 days per week are seen as "part time" and it has taken them longer to climb and progress I believe. Whereas, 4 days per week people seem to equate more with FT (probably because they just give you the same workload!). I'm thankful as I've managed to progress steadily since being back from having DS 4 years ago and think I've probably been more 'engaged' with work since being a mother as I really enjoy the change in pace that work provides vs my life at home.

[Tootletum]

OP you took the words right out of my mouth. It feels like I can either be a good mother or a good employee but not both. The reason you feel useless is because nearly all part time work creates no real connection with work,it nearly all full time work creates no connection with your kids. I'm loving WFH full time at the moment though, it's nearly perfect.

[Wanttolearnmore]

Hi OP. My sister had a kind of confidence crisis after she went back to work after having children, so I don't think feeling like this is unusual. But it seems like you have given up on yourself, and I don't think you should do. You are already in work, so you don't have to re enter the work place from scratch. You are already employed, aren't you? Then you do have current up to date skills to offer an employer. Are you thinking about a career change, are you unhappy at work? It sounds like you're not sure what you want to do work wise, but as you're already employed you're in a good position to make a change, as you've not been out of the workplace altogether. Perhaps you could take some time to think about what you want to do. I wouldn't put so much pressure on yourself , and try not to think so negatively about yourself if you can, as noone should consider themself useless. As other posters have said, if you have a partner , can they come on board to help you with the childcare load and also to give you some positive encourage to move forward with this? Any local family who can also help out (appreciate has been difficult recently with lockdown measures).
Employers will vary with how supportive they are but personally speaking local government is very family friendly. And it seems like the working world is going to change quite a bit if you do office work following the pandemic which may result in more flexibility from employers as they learn to let go of everyone having to be present in the office all of the time. Definitely do not give up on yourself!

[Tootletum]

Also one other thing people spend too little time talking about is the judgement men seem to get for trying to parent. My DH has to explain himself if he does the school run. My sister works for a really senior guy who has the school run blocked out in his diary once a week, and every single week without fail someone tries to take the slot and says "oh but that doesn't matter, his wife can do it"...that is the real issue.

[FanFckingTastic]

I think that part of the problem is that Mum's are lead to believe that they can do it all - have a great career, be an amazing mother, cook, clean, manage a house, educate children and much more besides. The reality is that you can have it all, but not actually do it all, certainly not single handed. I remember returning to work after my second child and feeling completely overwhelmed. I spoke to the MD of my company - a women who seemed to magically juggle having kids and a busy life alongside being an inspirational, much respected head of the business, as well as looking fabulous. She told me that the secret was in the support and that I should recognize that I couldn't possibly do everything myself. Prioritize the things that you can do and what's important to you and your family and get help with the rest, whether that's from your partner, wider family or paid help. Once you realize that you don't have to physically do everything it makes the return to a career seem a little less overwhelming.

[Kaiserin]

I'm sure it would be harder to start from scratch if I hadn't had a successful career and track record before having children.

I had a successful academic career before kids, then lost my (highly qualified, but not secure) job as a direct result of my pregnancy, then did a full career reboot into industry after baby number 2.
I made it in the end, but it was hell in between. I still feel rather envious of women who go on maternity break and straight back into their former role without a blink (I mean that's great for them, but also a privilege not everyone will be able to enjoy, successful career or not...)

I think it would disingenuous to say mothers do not face professional barriers as a direct result of motherhood (childcare burden during COVID-19 anyone?)
Doesn't mean you can't overturn them, but it can take an awful lot of hard work (and luck: right person in the right place at the right time, with the right partner and/or support network, and sufficient financial resources to get you restarted...)