I'm no use professionally now I'm a mum

[Welda18]

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I just feel women in general are so disadvantaged professionally once they become mums. It's still such an old fashioned world out there. Employers forget you exist once you're a mum and working part-time, you lose the momentum, the connections and the skills. Having my babies was the best thing I've ever done but OMG it has ruined me in other ways.

Motherhood has done something physically and mentally to me as well; my brain has turned to mush. I struggle to think for myself. I forget things I said seconds previously. I've lost motivation for the things that I thought I wanted. I don't know what I want professionally anymore now that I've got the all-consuming full-time commitment of being a mum.

A career of some description would be great but the tug of motherhood and being present and emotionally "in the room" for the kids throws shadows of doubt over thoughts about developing myself professionally.

I've got two boys - one has just turned 6 & the little one is 19 months. I work part-time, 3 days a week, but honestly, I just feel so useless these days. I feel like I wouldn't know where to start trying to enter the professional world again. For pretty much the entirety of my 30's I have been feeding, and nappy-changing, doing endless rounds of housework, cooking dinners, entertaining kids; like most mums do. And now, when I think about my working future I get a mild sense of panic.

I have nothing to offer any employer that they would want! I can look after kids and feed babies but my workplace confidence has gone. The thought of sitting an interview scares me because I know I'd be up against candidates who have the connections, the up-to-speed skills and rhetoric to put me to shame!

I'm 38 next month and I feel like an old dame. My body and mind are gone - or at least, changed so completely that I'm not the person I was. Motherhood has utterly consumed me. Do any other women feel like this? Or did you manage to bounce back professionally?

[likeafishneedsabike]

Not helpful when the superheroes pile on. If you haven’t got anything supportive to say, jog on and resist the temptation to kick a woman when she’s down by blowing your own trumpet. Apart from anything else, it’s dull to read!

[sst1234]

OP do you have a support network, i.e parents a supportive partner. Without this, it would be a struggle for anyone to raise children and be career oriented.

[Kissinggate]

Not helpful when the superheroes pile on. If you haven’t got anything supportive to say, jog on and resist the temptation to kick a woman when she’s down by blowing your own trumpet. Apart from anything else, it’s dull to read!

It says more about you than the OP that you think that combining a job and parenthood is being a 'superhero'. No one is kicking her, and she's had a lot of good advice about her physical health and her job possible being at fault here --as well as hearing from women whose careers haven't suffered after they had children.

[Toptotoeunicolour]

I had 18 months off but it took me 7 years to get the same momentum back in my career and get my salary back to where it should have been. I was single and I think I may have condensed that with a useful husband. That was 15 years ago and I always hope it's better now. From the new mums where I work now I think huge effort is made to support them so I think it may be a function of where you work rather than a general statement.

[honeylulu]

The part time thing and how much of an impact it has depends on the industry I think. Some jobs suit part time working just fine and there really shouldn't be any detriment.

I work in litigation which is full on every week day. It isn't stop- start. We have a couple of part timers but it's a nightmare when their cases kick off and they're not in for another 2 days. Clients can be very stroppy about not getting hold of them. (Yes I know any of us could be on annual leave but it's not the case most weeks. ) As a result the part timers aren't given any of the plum clients or high profile cases because it's just too high a risk.Also full timers tend to be available whenever needed and the clients expect that (we certainly send them very high bills and they want their money's worth!) Part timers tend to clock off precisely, which is absolutely the point of working part time I agree. I think that's what a PP may have meant by employers needing to see you are dedicated to the job.

[jessstan2]

Oh Welda, it honestly will get better I promise you. Many of us have been in your position but it doesn't last. You'll bounce back when the time is right.

[Stuckforthefourthtime]

You can’t choose to go part time and then complain that you’re employer has lost interest in you.

So if someone works part time for a few years of a 40 year career, it's off to the scrap heap for them? Luckily most people don't think this way, or it would be a crap outcome for the economy as well as for individual families.

Op as someone who works in a senior job in the private sector with 4 dcs, it is doable but frankly there is a personal cost to any option. I miss my dcs horrendously some days, but need to keep my.job and income as my DH has a chronic health condition that means he could well have to stop work for good at some point.

I'm always willing to consider people part time, or returning to work after time off, BUT do find that often when someone has been the lower earner or doing fewer hours, then they are often the default for everything family related, and that is hard for them and as an employer. If I employ someone 3 days a week, then on those three days, they and their partner should be sharing responsibility for being on call for school emergencies, flexible for urgent meetings etc. It does annoy me, and doesn't help me or anyone else focus and do a good job either - if there's someone who is always popping in and out because their DH's time is apparently too valuable for him to do a school run. Single parents are not usually the same, in my experience, because they know the buck stops with them and are absolutely amazing at getting everything working - it's often the women who have previously been sahms or very part time who struggle, because they or their partners don't feel that their job and time is important in the scheme of their family.

What matters most to you? It's ok if right now you want to be home, that's wonderful for your kids. It's ok if you want to go back to.work and make a success of your career - or just get some headspace to be a calmer mum with a bit more money for nice holidays - that's wonderful for your kids too.

[Sailingblue]

Unfortunately I think part-time working does often put you in the slow lane where you get forgotten about a bit. I think it’s fine if you want to stay at a level but progression/status is challenging. I am currently torn between upping my days and having time with my children. I think I have to up my days if I want to get on unfortunately.

[Choppedupapple]

Same!!! I’m more efficient and at times ruthless because I’m short on time and patience.

I’m a high earner in a full time role, working from home and the city. Really good wrap around care (nanny and clubs).

Find your ambition OP

[BakedBlossoms]

Unfortunately I think part-time working does often put you in the slow lane where you get forgotten about a bit.

Only if your employer is completely backwards and stuck in 1955.

[TatianaBis]

For pretty much the entirety of my 30's I have been feeding, and nappy-changing, doing endless rounds of housework, cooking dinners, entertaining kids; like most mums do. And now, when I think about my working future I get a mild sense of panic.

Sounds like you’re a single parent, are you?

Many mums feel like this. But actually working is like riding a bike - you don’t forget how to. Sure you can brush up on skills. Sure you will feel anxious at first but very soon it will become normal again. And you will forget you felt like this.

[Silvercatowner]

My 6 year old is 26 years ago - he's now 32. You have a lifetime of work once your children have grown up a bit. Once I went back full time I very quickly overtook my OH career wise. He took early retirement and I am still going strong. Those years of dependence do pass.

[Shamoo]

Think the impact of being a mother on your career depends on lots of things:

1. How many children (having 4 will have a much bigger impact than 1)
   
2. How much your partner (if you have one) picks up (many cases where women’s careers are ruined it is because the husband does nothing to support)
   
3. Whether you go part time and, if so, how much (have seen people go to 4 days with no impact on career at all, but 3 days in many businesses will hold your progress back unfortunately)
   
4. What sector you are in
   
5. How senior you are when your first is born (I have friends who became partners in law firms before their first born and it hasn’t impacted their careers at all)
   
6. The nature of your children (sleep badly, health problems etc will all mean a bigger impact)
   
7. The nature of your line manager/employer (can be a game changer as I think we have seen through Covid)
   
8. How much you want to develop your career and the sacrifices you will make for it (there is no right or wrong to this) (and linked; are you primary income or not in the family)
   

All of these things will be different for different people and therefore the outcome will be different for everyone.

[CaMePlaitPas]

I am in the eye of the storm too OP, I have a 2 and 3 year old and I'm 30. None of my peers have children, they are all working and in some cases making fantastic money. I am not, I do admin for my husband's business but I'm mostly a SAHM - something I never envisaged becoming when doing my degree.

But like @Silvercatowner says, I've got an entire lifetime to go back to work and focus on my "career". See it as a positive that you are working part time, you didn't leave the workplace! Your kids won't be small forever, and once you get a bit more "freedom" you'll soar.

[DonutDolittle]

I understand OP but at the end of the day life is all about making choices and reflecting on them imo. I was a teacher and managed to do that and raise kids fine, due to DH. When DH became exDH I had to chose between teaching full time and being a less happy person, teaching part time and losing out on career progression (definitely happens in education) or finding a less demanding role and giving up the career I had built. DH wouldn't have needed to make these choices but being the primary carer for my children was something I wanted, if I would have pushed for 50/50 I would have been miserable everyday they weren't here.

I've only ever been held back professionally by choices I've made and for me, my career isn't important to me at this time. Biologically it was always going to be me that was physically affected by children but again, I made further choices that prolonged this (breastfeeding).

I believe parental discrimination happens and happens predominantly to women but I also think there's an element of choice in this. As the many successful mothers above have demonstrated. I also think men having more responsibility for their children is the key way of ending a lot of this (more so when separated), but some women (like me) wouldn't want this.

That was long and contradictory. But I think you are BU.

[G5000]

It really sounds from your post like your main job is now nappy changing, housework, cooking etc etc, and if you have time left over, you will squeeze in some paid work too. If the employer believes that they are far down on your to-do list, somewhere between folding socks and scrubbing pots, you can understand why they might prioritise someone else.

Where's your partner? Has their career continued like they never had children?

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

I just feel women in general are so disadvantaged professionally once they become mums. It's still such an old fashioned world out there.

Motherhood has done something physically and mentally to me as well; my brain has turned to mush. I struggle to think for myself. I forget things I said seconds previously. I've lost motivation for the things that I thought I wanted.

I say this gently, but I don't really see how this is the employers' fault - if parenthood has changed someone's priorities that's understandable but it's not unreasonable for an employer to want staff who are capable of the job and at least reasonably enthusiastic and motivated about doing it.

[ElephantLover]

After my second maternity break when I was looking to get back to work I felt as you do - like it was impossible for me to be what I'd been before DC, everyone else has become sharper & what can I offer now with my slowed down abilities & limited time (3 days). But I did go back & did what I could. I used the skills I had (mainly people skills) & built back my credibility & my confidence. When my younger DC was 5 & just started school I was rewarded by being offered a fantastic role & I took it for 4 days a week. I would've never believed this was possible 4 years ago. It probably took this long because I was 3 days & prioritised my family (and still do). So it IS possible, give yourself time. And when you are ready, increase your hours if you are happy to - it will all come back slowly but surely.

[BessMarvin]

I've 2 under 5 and also work 3 days a week. However my city of London finance job is very family friendly (I realise this may be unusual) so I don't tend to experience that from my employer personally.

However I do understand what you mean about having different priorities and not being able to think quite as well. The latter I'm putting down to tiredness. The former I don't know, I'm thinking about what I want to do about it if anything. Not sure I'm cut out for sahm but also not sure if I'm cut out for office work any more either.

[GlassHouseYouGlassHouse]

I think Shamoo has summed it up well there - there are so many factors influencing your career post-children, and it's different for everyone. I did some of my best work after having LO, both personally and professionally, and really hit the ground running with huge motivation after 6 months of shared parental leave which lead to rapid career advancement (DH did the next 6 months of parental leave, then we both dropped to 4 days per week when she turned 1. This meant that neither of our careers has been hit too hard, and we both get one day per week to enjoy LO to ourselves!).

[DonutDolittle]

Bess totally agree. Before kids I had nothing in my life to prioritise above work. Children have changed my outlook on life and for me, being happy is my priority which meant a mix of low demand work and more time at home. I'm a better parent and employee when happy!

[minipie]

What did you do pre children OP? You had dc at 32, you must have worked for 10 years before that?

Your ability to develop or continue a career with young children depends on your particular children and particular partner. My DC didn’t sleep through reliably until 5+ (despite sleep training etc) and one has SN. DH pulls his weight when around but works very very long hours.

If you are in a similar position I can completely understand why you have no energy or oomph or confidence left to consider applying for jobs.

But things will get easier as they get older. Don’t panic just because it seems impossible now. Wait till your younger one is 3+ and in nursery, you will recover some of your brain and self then. There are increasing “returners” opportunities aimed at women who have been out of the workplace for a while. Employers are getting more open minded.

Of course, in order to succeed in any job, you will need to put work tasks above home tasks sometimes, and/or hand over more of the child and home responsibilities to your OH. So maybe start talking to your OH now (assuming you have one) about your plan to get back to work in a year or so and that he will need to start picking up more of the domestic tasks.

[Sometimes123]

I'm your age , my children are the same ages as yours. The only difference between us is that I work full time. I've never been very good at 'loving myself' so your post really hit home. I've been struggling with the same thoughts and feelings, and they have been exacerbated by covid and the impact that the epidemic has had on my family's life. I don't know about you, but I don't think it's an issue with how often or not I work, the type of job I have, or my daily activities as a mum...I just feel like I'm letting everyone down. I don't have any advice unfortunately, but just wanted to tell you that you're not alone in this. I am trapped in the same routines....it's like groundhog day. I said to my husband last night that I feel like I'm a Jack of all trades and a master of none. Hope these feelings are temporary..we have a family holiday coming up soon and it's like a light at the end of a dark tunnel.

[minipie]

PS Advice from people who’ve managed to keep working throughout the baby and small child years isn’t particularly helpful, IMO. Getting back into work after years of being at home is a very different mountain.

[SueEllenMishke]

I refused to let having a child impact my career negatively.
A huge part of this is being in a partnership....we both pull our weight which allows us to both continue to focus on our careers.