To think I have lost control

[lalalalaloo]

I have lost control of dd. I don't know what to do. She's attacked me about 4 times today and the last time I cried because it really hurt. I'm still crying.

I have been made redundant and her dad is working from home. So I'm trying to keep her away from him.

It's been the last 2 weeks. She's been ok for the rest of lockdown except the odd tantrum.

Nothing works. I ask kindly for her to do her work or do a simple task like 'put your leggings on'. I ask in a firm way. I sit with her. I leave her alone if she wants. She says no to everything. I have taken away the iPad, computer access, tv, sent her to her room. We have tried star charts, rewarding her if she finishes her work early.

She just laughs if we get annoyed. Or says awful things. I don't know where she has got it from. Her dad asked her to get rid of her chewing gum before dinner and she said no. So he asked her again, more forcefully. She laughed at him. Then she got up and stuck the chewing gum on his T-shirt.

She's always been such a good girl (if a bit firey) but she's gone completely cold. Like nothing matters to her at all. Completely nihilistic.

Even the punishment for hurting me was to calm down in her room then I went to speak to her. She just told me it was my fault for winding her up.

I have 7 more weeks of this and I don't see what I can do.

Anyone? Honestly I feel like giving up. This is so hard.

I just don't know where to go next. She won't back down.

We had this with DS (he’s 5). He just desperately needed to see his friends. Thankfully he’s been able to go back to school and is loads better. Can you arrange some play dates with other families that will be in her school bubble when she goes back? You didn’t say how old she is so I don’t know if that’s helpful.

Bumping for you
How old is she?

Also, I realised I was being too ‘transactional’ about parenting - everything was ‘get school work done, get dressed’ etc. I started making time for us to just do whatever he wanted as well which also helped.

How old is she?

It sounds like a really tough time. You must be very stressed about the situation with her on top of being made redundant and on top of that you are trying to manage keeping her from DH. Remember that you are not alone and a lot of other people experience similar problems.

How old is she?

A few comments:

• I think trying to 'control' your daughter is going to be a losing battle. You need to let go of that idea and collaborate with her on solving these problems.
• She is doing the best she can in a very stressful situation for her. I suggest giving her a break, letting her use the iPad etc. Often children use electronics as a way of communicating with their friends and relaxing.
• I recommend reading a book called 'The Explosive Child'. There is a very helpful facebook group called 'The B Team' which can help with parenting children who can react this way.

How old is she OP as I think what you could try is very dependant on her age. As someone else said, my DD has been more of a handful over the last couple of weeks as she’s trying to adjust to the current situation. Everything is different from her and I think we (or at least I) initially underestimated what this lock down has meant for her, even back at nursery she’s still massively restricted so we try and see unrestricted people (her best friend etc) where no boundaries are put on her having to distance or watch fun from afar

I have been made redundant and her dad is working from home. So I'm trying to keep her away from him

That sounds stressful for everyone involved. Is he visible to her while he works or is he away in another room?

The first part makes her sound like a toddler and the chewing gum bit like a teenager! How old is she?

She is 8.5, and she is very different personality to both me and her Dad.

We are both quiet shy people and she has a very big personality. She's an extrovert so missing school is a big thing.

I have organised at least one. Or sometimes two play dates a week -scooting arpund a nature reserve or a bike ride.

She had counselling when she was 5 because she had a patch like this but at 5 she couldn't quite hurt us as much. Maybe we need to go back.

I have a DS who was like this. After a while he'd become stuck in cycles of negative behaviour that really affected our relationship, which obviously made his behaviour worse. He still has behavioural difficulties now he's older, but some things that have helped us are:

• recognising when he's slipping into a negative spiral and 'battening down the hatches'. This means minimising access to the situations that usually end badly (for us it was stuff like baking or going to the playground) and maximising those that build her up. For us it was creating opportunities where we could really praise and encourage him (DS loved helping out around the house, so we'd do loads of that and praise him loads).
• when you do need to put consequences in place, do so with the minimum of emotion and attention. So with the chewing gum thing, I would ask her once and then just inform her that she could come for her dinner once it was in the bin (or removed from Dad's t-shirt). Dispassionate discipline is so important to making sure that your interpersonal relationship is as much about the good stuff as possible.
• look up positive parenting,, I've found it so helpful. It's about making your positive interactions energising and exciting and your negative ones boring and low-energy.

None of these things are a silver bullet but they've definitely helped us.

Just seen her age... what do school say about her behaviour? How are her interactions with her peers and teachers?

She's perfect at school. She's fairly righteous and know it all but kind to her friends. A bit of a hermione granger.

Never in trouble at school. It's all reserved for her dad and I. She doesn't even show it to her grandparents. They are surprised when we discuss it. Say it doesn't sound like her.

The pp who says 'discipline without emotion' is really interesting. I completely lost it this morning and even cried because she hurt me so much and I was surprised.

Have a google of autism in girls op and see if any of it fits. Does the bad behaviour usually emerge when she's asked to do something? If so have a look at demand avoidance...lots of info online.

To be honest I saw a programme about a girl who had a condition that sounded like demand avoidance and it really rang bells with me.

I asked my daughter why she is refusing and she said she doesn't know.

However in retrospect her Dad acknowledges that there is a part of him which is similar. He likes to do things a certain way and if someone suggests another way to do it he will go out of his way to avoid it. He also doesn't know why he does this. He happily acknowledges he does. It though and tries to avoid it.

I think it's worth investigating if the traits ring bells. My dd is autistic but not particularly demand avoidant, so I don't a huge amount about it. It stems from anxiety though, which makes them want to be in control. I believe one strategy is to give them choices rather than making demands; so "are you going to put on the grey leggings or the black ones" or "do you want to put the leggings on first or brush your teeth first" etc etc "your leggings are on the bed, do you want some help to put them on?" is better than "go and put your leggings on". I hope that makes sense.

I’m another one who thinks that autism might be a possibility. Girls are much harder to diagnose as they learn to mimic acceptable behaviours outside of their homes and once at home they feel that they can relax and display some of the anxieties that they managed to try to control at school etc...

You say that your husband also avoids situations that he can’t control as it’s his way or not at all. Both your husband and daughter have said that they can’t explain it.

A sense of self righteousness and an acute sense of injustice are common traits.

Maybe have a peep at the National Autistic Society’s website.

Hope you get to the bottom of this as it sounds like your home life is unhappy at the moment.

Rewards and punishments are behaviourist coercive methods and won't make a child a better person in the long run.

You need to reconnect instead. Try reading Alfie Kohn's work, e.g Unconditional Parenting.

It's unlikely it's PDA if there's been absolutely no sign of it before in any situation.

It goes on in phases, we are currently having a phase.

The worst phase was when she was 5 and she was lashing out and hitting, kicking etc but that was when her grandma was dying and she was very aware of it. When her gran died she pretty much came out of the phase within weeks.

She had counselling at the time which was fab.

This I feel is related to lockdown anxiety and her extreme jealousy of the kids allowed to go to school.

I had certainly considered autism from
Quite a young age because she's amazing at seeming fine with interactions but is unable to
Maintain friendships because she feels the need to control lots of the situation.

We see it and we try to intervene but she doesn't listen. She doesn't see how her behaviour might put people off and she then gets sad about why people don't want to spend time with her.