DH and home renovation

[yellowDahlia]

I'm getting so frustrated with DH's inability to engage with the idea of improving our house. For example, we had a conversation recently about rebuilding a current lean-to sunroom to create a proper extended kitchen/conservatory room (not immediately, but at some point in the future) and he's just basically said no. We don't need it. He's right, we don't strictly need it, we're lucky enough to live in a house which is the right size for our needs - but if we could afford it, and it would improve this area of the house and add value, surely that's ok too? He just doesn't see it. So, presumably, we'll never need it, so that's that. No extension ever.

I tried suggesting a smaller project - the living room. Again, not the worst decor in the world but we haven't updated it since we moved in 6 years ago and we're sitting on the second set of second hand sofas we've taken in since then too. And there's nothing wrong with second hand, absolutely not, I'm happy to re-use...but I think we can afford to consider buying our own now and making that room into something which looks better and is more 'us'. If we don't consider it now when we have the time (school hols/covid nonsense), spare cash and we're literally bouncing off the walls looking for Something To Do when on earth will we tackle it?? I broached this just now and he just can't get his head around my way of thinking. Excuses, excuses - we don't know how much it will cost, there's not enough time, it's too big a job, it's fine as it is..... Aaaargh.

I'm sick of fighting for every little change around here and then watching him, it feels like, 80% of the time sitting on his arse watching telly. Like he's doing RIGHT NOW. Instead of making a plan, thinking of ideas, costing materials, even just bloody discussing it so that we can think it through instead of putting up what feels like an immediate NO every time I suggest something. It's probably not the case and it's untrue to say we have done no work on the house, we have, but at the moment it feels like nothing gets done around here unless it's absolutely necessary or on the very rare occasion when he decides he wants it done.

I can't be the only one with a DH/DP like this - someone please tell me how to deal with him - or how to resign myself to the fact that we have very different attitudes to this and he will never change

Why does he have the final say on whether you can do something or not? He sounds exhausting to live with. Is he like this about other decisions too?

My stbexh was the same. Never did any DIY took forever to agree to decorating - basically had to be on his terms. Each job we started always ended up with me finishing as he suddenly had to work late/work away. He was basically lazy.

He also used the excuse that his Dad used to make him help out at home when he was younger, so he feels he's done more then his share of DIY!

I guess for you it depends on how much of his help is required. Can you do the work yourself or pay to outsource?

I like my house to look nice and as much as a room doesn't need redecorating, I'd be bored to tears with the same decor year after year.

He is very rarely proactive about making big decisions like this - esp house stuff or holidays. He is NOT a planner or organiser and if I never suggested a holiday or changes round the house I doubt they would ever happen. Changing cars - ok with his own but I have to drag him behind me if I want to change mine. So yes, from that point of view it is exhausting. It feels like an uphill struggle to get any major projects done and/or I have to be a massive nag about them and I hate that.

wannabe he's not that lazy when the job's underway - although he doesn't mind an 'almost done' finish so things will lie like that for ages which also drives me nuts!

I would be more than happy to pay someone to do decoration or whatever, I don't enjoy it much. But he refuses to pay someone to do what he can do. Even though it will take twice as long and he doesn't particularly enjoy it either...

Have you talked about what is underlying this - it might be laziness, or it might be coming from a childhood teaching that "following fashion/keeping up with the Joneses" and replacing things "with life left in them" is a pure waste of money etc? I think the reason will affect how you approach it.

He may just not care about aesthetics over function and therefore sees any effort or expense as unnecessary - in which case he needs to understand that you do get utility out of these things, and (whilst an extension may be overkill, as it would cause a lot of actual disruption), you consider replacing household items on an agreed rota basis as a basic part of home maintenance. Beyond that you probably just need to get on with making minor changes and making the case for selected major ones every so often.

Having said this: I get frustrated when my DH never ever considers home improvement even if asked to, but is then offended if I suggest something as then "I've got it all worked out with no input from him" - I would love to hear his ideas, but he also needs to understand that if I have already spent a lot of thought and time on something and done the basic research etc (whilst he was aware that I was doing it and regularly updated but refuses to engage), I won't be massively welcoming to top-of-the-head suggestions of fundamental changes only given at the point where I'm ready to press "order" and am informing him of this as a courtesy/to arrange being in for a delivery..... :-)

BestZebbie it sounds like we have similar problems Underlying this is the fact, I suspect, that he's very like his dad. We've been together 20+ years and in all the time I've known them, my ILs have been having the same debate about getting an extension on their house (which actually really needs it and they really can afford it!). She comes up with ideas and projects and he digs in the heels because he hates change. DH also does not like change very much and can barely see beyond the next half an hour, never mind looking ahead a few years. He has worked in the same job, for the same employer since be began his working life, and I fully believe he'll retire in the same job. To be fair, he's not quite as bad as his father and in fact (ironically) argues against him on the extension debate - he really thinks they should get one too! But I really fear we're going to end up the same way as his parents in another 20 years, still arguing over the same bloody work that I want done and he doesn't!

I also think he has no idea about money, really. He doesn't manage our finances at all - I do all of our bills/budgeting - so is very wary of big spends, hates debt and doesn't have a very realistic idea of what's 'normal' in spending terms and what's not. He's not particularly tight with money in general terms but doesn't manage it, so would never budget a project, will just start and then hope for the best.

Yeah my DH is similar, very resistant to change. We decided (read that as "I decided") to think about moving house a few years ago (good reasons -increased crime in the area, better school catchment) and got an estate agent round just to do some fact finding. Even she sensed I was leading the idea and he wasn't too keen. Anyway, we did move (into a house I chose and he found endless faults with) and now he says it's the best move we've ever made, how he loves the area and it's so glad we're not at our old house.

Maybe the core issue is that he no longer sees a long term future in that home or in the relationship?

Interestingly I am your DH in my relationship. I am resistant my DH wants it all done yesterday.
He hired a builder to do our drive and garden in one fell swoop. I was not overly keen but went along with it..

They broke one neighbours front brick wall
They broke the other side's fence
They damaged our internet and virgin had to come out to rewire the fibre connection. We were without WiFi for 1 week!
They are yet to return some important keys.

I think I didn't want it done as I could foresee it would be a hassle. Lots of noise dust and upheaval with (in our case) damage to other people's property. It looks nice now but was very stressful. So if someone is a little weary of building work I am pretty much the same. It took alot to talk me into it and it was still a hassle.

Decide what you want eg colour to paint the living room, sofas, accessories etc and put it together on a mood board with costs.
Tell him to let you know by x date if he really hates the look & you'll change it.
Tell him once scheme is agreed it needs to start by Y date or youll get someone in to do it. Get some quotes so he can see you're serious.

If he doesnt objest & doesnt do it the get someone in.

My dh is like this. I just crack and on and Get Shit Done. Tell him what I'm doing, how much it costs and when it's going to happen.

He's welcome to his own opinion, and can obviously discuss costs but if I waited for him we'd still be living in our old house, with the same decor and furniture we had 10 years ago.

Some people just don't get house stuff. Dh doesn't. Rather than get upset and stressed I just organise it and leave him to do other stuff he is better at like the garden and the cars.

I’ve had to organise every single home improvement and holiday in the last 30 years so I feel your pain!! He does get on board with it (eventually) but it’s always me who has to suggest it.