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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU or my DH over length of time in pub

58 replies

Slipjigger · 13/07/2020 10:14

My mam and sister invited me to the pub yesterday evening for a bite to eat and a few drinks. We are in Ireland and the rules are that we are allowed 1hr 45 mins in the pub.
TBH I didn't have much interest in going but my mam has been cocooning and was dying to get out. Its all she has talked about for months.
We went into my mam's local, we were in a section of the pub that had 6 tables. We were sat at two small round tables that would normally seat 6 people, we spread out so we were about 1 mtr apart from each other.
There were 2 couples at the other tables and we were 2-3 mtrs away from them.
We ordered food and had 3 drinks each. We stayed for 2.5 hours which was 45 mins over the time limit. The pub didnt mind as they were very quiet. There were lots of empty tables.
I ended up really enjoying myself. I have been very stressed over the last few months, I have had lots of problems with work (was at the point of resigning a number of times), have been working from home while trying to mind 3 children.
I came home in really good form to be met by my DH thunderous mood. He went mental that I had stayed over the allowed time. He has been shopping for my parents as they havent been out and he said what was the point of him doing that if she was going to stay in the pub for 3 hours. He said we were giving her a bad example and she would stay out longer the next time putting her and my dad at risk of catching the virus.
He was very angry with me. I went to bed early and feel awful today. Part of me thinks he is right and I shouldn't have done it and they other thinks he is overreacting. I feel really miserable and am now panicking that we have put ourselves at risk.

OP posts:

AnneOfQueenSables · 13/07/2020 11:00

2m is the distance for passing each other and short exposure. And in lots of countries they'd still want you to wear masks even at 2m. In enclosed spaces for a prolonged time then, of course, your risk goes up.
Tbh I'm struggling to believe someone went from shielding straight to the hairdressers and the pub. I understand why your DH is annoyed.
You should read the articles from the WHO about airborne transmission and the articles about the virus spreading in restaurants.

vikingwife · 13/07/2020 11:25

Not in your country but in Sydney we have had virus hotspots at - you guessed it - the local pub. it does sound like the mother may not have needed to safeguard at all, if outings like hairdresser and pub are ok.

Ughmaybenot · 13/07/2020 11:25

You’d be taking the piss to insist on still doing her shopping if she’s willing to go to the pub and to get her hair done

RedOasis · 13/07/2020 11:27

Why was he shopping for your mum ? Cos if it was because she was shielding then I’d be pisses that she went to the pub and the fact that u were there for 3 hours doesn’t matter but it’s a point of added annoyance for your husband ....if she can go to pub she can wear a mask and go the shop

Pebblexox · 13/07/2020 11:29

I think you're husband shouldn't have gone off the way he did. However I agree with him.
Your mum offered to do her own shopping, and you've told him you aren't comfortable with that, so basically he still has to continue doing it. Yet you're willing to go sit in a pub with her for a couple of hours, where it is literally no less risky than a supermarket.
You've encouraged your mums behaviour, despite her being at risk.

Ughmaybenot · 13/07/2020 11:29

Well, you’d be taking the piss to insist he does the shopping. If you want to do it yourself, crack on but don’t foist the ties of your complete lack of logic on him.

Pebblexox · 13/07/2020 11:32

I understood you had to be within 2 meters of someone to catch
^^
Nope. If a person coughs those particulars could travel up to 6 metres, possibly more. I think you're being extremely naive.

OchonAgusOchonO · 13/07/2020 12:35

@Slipjigger My mam said to him on Saturday that she would start doing her shopping now but I wasn't overly happy about it as I feel the highest risk place is the supermarket.

That's not what the science says. A pub is much higher risk than a supermarket, particularly if people are wearing masks in the supermarket, which they will not be doing in the pub. Luke O'Neil (he's brilliant. He's on Pat Kenny every morning) recently tweeted a graphic from the Texas Medical Association with a list of activities rated from low to high risk. Bars were highest risk, with supermarket shopping rated as low-moderate risk. Bars in Ireland, if following the guidelines, are currently more like restaurants in layout. This was rated as moderate-high risk. Hair salons (although presumably without precautions) were rated as moderate-high.

I understood you had to be within 2 meters of someone to catch it. We definitely were not that close to anyone else. The other couples were talking quietly to each other so no loud talking, laughing etc. I genuinely though that would be ok.

No. Staying more than 2m away from others reduces the risk. They have now shown that the virus is airborne. The longer you stay in the vicinity of others, the higher the risk.

So basically, I'm with your dh. Sure, we all do our own risk assessment but I wouldn't do the shopping for someone who is also engaging in riskier behaviour.

BackforGood · 13/07/2020 12:53

If I were happy going to the pub for 1hr45, then I can't see staying the extra time is an issue
However I'd be really annoyed if I'd been doing shopping for someone who then thought the next day, it was a good idea to go off and sit in a pub for two hours - or an hour and a half or whatever.
So I'm with your dh in terms of someone who has been shielding for 15 weeks to make their first couple of days venturing out a visit to the pub, even though the difference in time, in the circumstances you said, for a 'non-at-risk' person wouldn't phase me at all.

Redcherries · 13/07/2020 13:04

Hold up. So the shielded people who have now reached a stage they can start having some semblance of life back are not allowed to go to the pub if someone has shopped for them? We can have some life back now because the infection rate is lower.

At what stage am I allowed to go for lunch if someone has shopped for me? How long am I morally grounded for after months of being able to do noting more than medical appointments and the occasional walk when its quiet?

Oddly, one of the first things I've done is go to the pub, outside though and incredibly careful and I felt fucking normal, it was the most normal part of my life in months and months, it was brilliant. I've told no one because of this weird fucking judgement that we aren't adult enough to assess our risks now our restrictions are being eased, the likely hood is that we will be safely back in our houses in Autumn, let us have some normal life now.

LandlockedBlues · 13/07/2020 13:05

The length of time you spend in the presence of an infected person is definitely relevant. With increased time you are exposed to more viral particles, which could make the difference between getting it or not, or to how severely you get it. Even 1hr45 is a problem if someone infected is present, of course, but a longer period will bring higher risk.

OchonAgusOchonO · 13/07/2020 13:12

Oddly, one of the first things I've done is go to the pub, outside though and incredibly careful

Massive difference between going to a pub outside and going inside.

I've told no one because of this weird fucking judgement that we aren't adult enough to assess our risks now our restrictions are being eased

It's less judgement and more annoyance (in this case on the part of the dh) that the person is willing to engage in a higher risk activity than grocery shopping, whilst still expecting the shopping to be done for them. In this instance, it's the op, rather than her mother, who wants her dh to continue doing the lower risk activity for her mother while engaging in a higher risk activity with her.

AnneOfQueenSables · 13/07/2020 13:15

So the shielded people who have now reached a stage they can start having some semblance of life back are not allowed to go to the pub if someone has shopped for them?
You can do what you like Redcherries but if like the OP's example, a relative put themselves at risk to protect you, and then you went straight to a medium to high risk activity as soon as you could, the relative is allowed to feel annoyed. And I say that as someone who has been shielding for over 4 months now.

HappyMealWithLegs · 13/07/2020 13:18

OP is he like this if you go out on your own usually?

slashlover · 13/07/2020 13:19

I understood you had to be within 2 meters of someone to catch it.

It doesn't suddenly drop off at 2 metres. Two metres is a compromise between far away to be safe and being close enough that some sort of life can continue.

OP wants to continue with the shopping even though OPs mum has been out to one of the more dangerous places.

Drivingdownthe101 · 13/07/2020 13:23

Does he think the virus sits around waiting for an hour and 45 minutes then pounces at an hour and 46 minutes?

DoorstoManual · 13/07/2020 13:25

Leaving the pub out of it, if I were your DH, I would be pissed off doing her shopping whilst she felt safe enough to get her hair done.

I have been shielding, I have gone nowhere and done nothing, I am going to the pub on Wednesday at 4.30 in the afternoon to enjoy the scenery ergo outdoors, if the weather is crap it won't happen. Managing risk.

We have lunch booked at a fab restaurant for the 19th, we are the first sitting, which normally I would hate, but again managing risk. Deep cleaned the night before, temperature taken on arrival.

We have had Tesco deliveries through out, and the butcher also delivers.

Your mother was taking the piss big time.

Paradiseinportugal · 13/07/2020 13:32

I don't understand why you are getting the blame, from your husband or from a lot the posters on here, but.. you're the woman so it must be your fault.
If anyone is at fault it's your mother, I'll bet your husband is now feeling a fool for doing all your mother's shopping and trying to protect her. He either can't or won't take it out on her, so you're the nearest target.

Drivingdownthe101 · 13/07/2020 13:35

And if he has an issue with doing your mum’s shopping, he can tell your mum that can’t he? Why is it all your responsibility? You’re all adults.

slashlover · 13/07/2020 13:41

I don't understand why you are getting the blame, from your husband or from a lot the posters on here, but.. you're the woman so it must be your fault.

My mam said to him on Saturday that she would start doing her shopping now but I wasn't overly happy about it as I feel the highest risk place is the supermarket.

OPs mum said on Saturday that she'd start doing her own shopping but OP wasn't happy about it and wanted her DH to continue doing it continue. On Sunday OP and her mum disappeared off to a high risk place for more than the legal time allowed while eating and drinking.

Bmidreams · 13/07/2020 13:41

@Nottobesoldseparately the scientists say pubs and restaurants are the highest risk.

Nottherealslimshady · 13/07/2020 13:42

We've been doing PILs shopping, mainly me,next week we're all visiting BILs family for a night. Then they're shielding two more weeks then heading about their lives. I will not be annoyed at having done their shopping no matter where they choose to go. Because the situation is totally different now and they have the right to choose what to do with their lives. So long as they use the masks, visors and handgel weve bought them correctly. The only time we got annoyed with them was when it was at its peak, they'd had us running here there and everywhere then they went to the bloody bank to pay a bill they didn't need to pay and a busy supermarket to buy a single pint of milk!
Your mum wants to do her own shopping now so she clearly is comfortable with the risk.

The pub wasnt busy so theres not much risk, your DH just being a mardy arse.

lanthanum · 13/07/2020 13:44

Did you ring from the pub to say "it's very quiet, we're well spread out, and they don't seem to be imposing the time limit, so if it's okay I'll be a bit longer"?

If not, then I suspect much of his reaction is pent up annoyance at you coming home a lot later than he'd expected. Maybe he was worried about you, maybe he'd thought "I won't start watching/doing that because Slip will be home in ten minutes".

wildcherries · 13/07/2020 13:48

I'm with your husband on this one. If you want to do her shopping, crack on, but I don't blame him for not wanting to anymore and for being upset, tbh.

worriedmama1980 · 13/07/2020 13:56

Honestly OP I would be pissed off if I was him.

For people who don't know, pubs aren't generally open in Ireland yet: they're only open if they're also serving food, have to keep a distance from people, and have to have a turnover time. The reason for the time is because of how long it takes for particles to spread in the air. Its all a totally inexact science but looking at how the virus spread in call centre staff it seems pretty clear that being indoors with someone who has it over several hours will cause it to spread no matter how far away they are sitting from you. The 105 minutes is a compromise figure: not entirely safe, but reducing the risk.

Its really difficult. I had a screaming row with my father after doing my parents shopping for months and then finding out he'd gone to his doctor's office to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist to fill it in person, because he wanted to go out for a change of scenery, at a time when he wasn't supposed to be leaving the house even for a walk and I was spending hours doing their shopping and travelling to drop it off. People are under a lot of pressure, and there's been a lot of press coverage in Ireland about pubs taking the piss and not really serving food and not making people leave.

The fact the pub didn't make you leave in the legally required time actually suggests they've been casual about the regulations across the board, which I would think increases the risk of you picking it up there, in addition to the increased risk of staying longer. The thing is, frustration builds up: I have been massively curtailing my own movements entirely out of proportion to the risk I face because of the people in my extended family at risk. Finding out they aren't bothered and are taking more risks than me is very frustrating. He lost his cool more than he should have but I get where he was coming from.

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