about this former toxic friend endangering my new friend?

[BlackBucketOfCheese]

I had a very toxic ex-friend, she is a gossip, a liar and frankly emotionally manipulative. I removed her from my life after a lot of therapy, as did several other people. I will call her Claire.

We have a mutual friends who are a couple.
Let’s call the couple Sally and Victoria. Claire has known them longer and knows Sally better than she knows Victoria.

Sally and Victoria got married last year but before they got married they broke up for a little while. I didn’t know why and didn’t ask because I didn’t know them well enough. Claire had Sally over to crash on her couch and naturally the story came out.
Victoria had been violent toward Sally for several years but it had escalated. Claire tried to help Sally by demanding she leave and made things very difficult for her socially. All the while shouting about how she was very supportive and why it all hurt her the most.

Anyway, I didn’t ask her why they had broken up but knew Sally was very upset and just wished them the best. It wasn’t my place to know as we aren’t that close. Immediately I said that, Claire was telling me about Victoria being an abuser and she has treated Sally terribly for years.

Anyway, they get married (I didn’t go, because I don’t know them well enough or for long enough) and are doing ok. Victoria talks a lot about getting therapy and how it is helping their marriage. She doesn’t mention what the therapy is for but she says she is going 3x a week. They both agree it is life changing.

Anyway Claire in the meantime out of nowhere, after we had been for drinks with them, tells me - without me asking - about a particularly gruesome incident and injury that occurred because of this domestic violence - the reason they broke up.
It is shocking and harrowing. I believe this particular story to be true, as it is consistent with medical treatment Sally told me she received at around the same time.

They have no idea I know. Victoria doesn’t know that Claire knows.

Since then I have moved on from the friendship with Claire but it turns out she has relayed this awful tale to a number of people in our circle and the story is spreading within the industry that Victoria works.

WIBU to contact Sally to make her aware that her safety has been compromised?

Do you believe that Sally could be seriously hurt or worse by Victoria when Victoria finds out that loads of people know that she is an abuser? If so, I think you have to tell her.

Which brings me on to my next question... how are you going to tell Sally? Do you have a way of communicating with her that Victoria definitely won’t see?

I think you have more than enough reason to avoid Blair considering she has no qualms making you a target for bullshit.

Sally chose to marry victoria, knowing that she was (if true) abusive. If they are indeed attending therapy then it is likely Victoria knows what has been said about her already. Either way, I'm sure she can guess.

If victoria is abusive, she does not need reason to be 'set off'. Anything could do it. If it isnt this, itll be something else. Sally will be well aware of this already.

Defo dont wage into this. It's not your circus. And if she stays with someone who physically has hurt her already, what do you think 'she might hurt you again because...' will do to change that?

*to avoid claire

@BilboBercow it wasn’t a judgement at all, I was just wondering if there was an element of not wanting to cloud the replies if Victoria was an abusive man because sadly I do think that some people gloss over women being violent, I realise I put it across badly.

Do you believe that Sally could be seriously hurt or worse by Victoria when Victoria finds out that loads of people know that she is an abuser?

I know what she has done to her previously. I don’t know how likely it is she will flip, I don’t know her well enough. I suppose I just worry from my experience of domestic violence and knowing how quickly a switch can flip.

I could phone, text or Instagram message her. I think the latter is safest.

I then start worrying about my message being found and her becoming isolated, if not physically harmed.
I also start worrying that she will cut herself off from ways she feels she gets help.

I’m so genuinely worried about getting it right, if I do that this step.

I would wait until you see Sally next and let her know you are only ever a phone call away if she needs you. If she asks tell her that Claire told you, but otherwise stay out of it.

I think it's very difficult for someone who has been confused in about something like this, who has spent hours listening and trying to help to see Sally step straight back into the relationship

I would stay out if it and in fact I would probably try to avoid the lot of them. Sally has to come to her own decision

I think your instincts about letting sally know what is being said is fair. I’m not sure how safe it is sending messages via instagram etc are, but I would be very careful, especially if they only socialise together, Victoria may well have access to Sally’s social media.

You could maybe warn sally that Claire has been telling things to you and others that she has been told in confidence and hope that she puts 2 and 2 together.

@BlackBucketOfCheese I think you are right to let sally know that Claire has betrayed her confidence, then when not if Victoria finds out sally has full knowledge and facts, Then she is not on back foot and if she wants to pre empt it happening she can.

Phone, don't message

How the hell is this Claire telling 100’s of people? Mass text? I would speak to sally - tell her what’s going on.

I can see why you are concerned. I'm confused as to who Claire is telling though? Hundreds of people? Why would they be interested in their work acquaintance's friend's relationship? Do Claire and Victoria work together and share clients or something? Is it in a profession where this would see Victoria lose her job or Claire lose her job because of her lack of discretion?
I think trying to let Sally know might be a good idea, if you can do so safely. Unfortunately what happens when/if Victoria finds out is beyond your control. Claire is doing nobody any favours at all.

This is so tricky, on one hand staying out of it seems sensible but that leaves Sally unsupported.

She may not be ready now but she may one day need a friend. Why not invite her for a coffee and sensitively offer to be there for her if she ever needs anything. You could let her know about your abusive father if you felt that was appropriate/helpful.

Revealing that Sally's confidant Claire is blathering to everyone feels a bit drama llama but I'm sure she'll soon put two and two together.

I'd just concentrate on being a good friend so that when the shit hits the fan you're there to help if you can.

And fuck Clare revelling in others abuse for her need to be in the spotlight. Just cruel

I would let Sally know that Claire is telling her story to all and sundry.

Like you my parents were violent and it was always much better to know that something was going on than to be caught off guard. It's much easier to protect yourself if you are expecting it

It also means that Sally won't hear it at a random time, or with Victoria with her where she may end up under pressure to lie or react in a certain way.

How the hell is this Claire telling 100’s of people?

Claire is a cleaner and hairdresser. She tells her regular clients everything. I had people I only vaguely know come to me and ask how I am after a hospital admission in December.
She has told huge numbers of people.

Why would she tell people though? Presumably the people whose hair she cuts or houses she cleans don't all know Victoria and Sally? So she's just saying, my random friend's wife has been very violent towards her? Why would they care?

She is telling people that don’t know them but she is also telling people who do know one or both of them.
Victoria is well known in our town and very well known in an industry that interacts with Claire’s hairdressing.