"I feel like I am being unreasonable for not letting my mum have what she wants"
Hi all
I usually like to practice self-reflection and try to gain emotional intelligence such as figuring out the root cause of my issues
This one I am struggling with. I wonder if any of you would be able to prompt me into pushing past my barriers and understanding myself
I have a troubled relationship with my mum for 20 years, recently much better the past 3 years due to her making more effort to build a relationship.
The issue stems with me “renting a room” from her at the cost of bills only at £500. This was because she wanted to stay over sometimes and visit and not apply tenant rights.
We had been getting on great to begin with, no issues. Then we fell out about something very minor. I hoped she would say “No problem I will bear it in mind” and that be the end of it. The reality was her reacting with anger and storming out the house. We did not speak for weeks.
She came over to try make amends, but we were on completely different pages. Only I said I was sorry for upsetting her and sorry that my words caused this. It seemed to me I was the only one trying to explore the cause of things and reflect on what could have been better. She was still stuck in her mind. This really affected how I viewed her and really put me off her as a person. We also discussed her coming over with 10 minutes notice. She offered to let me know the night before if she was coming in the morning or morning for the afternoon. She was very reluctant as does not see why she should have to explain herself. Our relationship has not recovered since.
She has tried to make some amends, by initiating some conversation which I do appreciate. However, I still have not transitioned into wanting to spend time together.
This has made me resentful and annoyed when she just comes over. Sometimes she says, “see you later” and sometimes she just walks in. Every time she does it, I get more annoyed. I mentioned this issue much more than ten times and it continues which makes things worse.
She came again today; I only knew the time as I asked, and she eventually told me. I had my back up already. She was annoyed I had not taken the initiate to help her with something. I could have but I let my annoyance become the excuse. I decided to take the opportunity to discuss why I did not feel helpful. I discussed her coming in and out after she offered to give me notice. I discussed how she wants all the benefits of me renting a room yet applies full house rent to other things at her benefit.
She, as the landlord, will not let me use her carpet cleaner machine for a kitchen carpet and said I should buy my own or scrub each individual carpet tile. Its not her responsibility. The kitchen gets all the traffic from the front door and any cooking mess. The carpet is a nightmare and I hoover daily.
She picks and chooses what suits her. She wants me to pay a retainer now so she can charge me if there are any repairs to do in the communal areas as its my responsibility, yet is making £300 a month from me from our “just bills” agreement.
All this resentment feels like its coming from how I feel about her as a person, I think. I feel she is selfish. But then again, maybe I am too.
After the conversation I felt guilty. I felt I should not have said anything instead just continue letting her come and go as she wishes and just letting her have what she wants for a quiet life. Should I feel so reluctant and resentful? It all just seems trivial.
I feel like maybe I am being unreasonable.