To think all neighbourhood issues arise from lack of manners?

[Binny36]

I’m really interested in having some thoughts about this. I’ve been reading many neighbour dispute threats lately. As I just said in one thread I think most issues are due to lack of manners. I think of myself as having manners and I am very considerate of others. I would be mortified if my kids or my actions caused a nuisance to anybody.

I think a lot of “I can do what the f**k I want in my garden” type attitude is the cause of all this friction?

I think a lot of this attitude is very childish. I have people like this in my circle in RL who think if someone is annoyed by something they wouldn’t personally find annoying then this person is being “petty, hard work, too much time on hands etc”. Surely as grown up adults we should respect people have different views and thresholds of what they won’t tolerate and we should respect that? Reading some responses on threads has made me realise maybe not everyone has matured in their thinking. I’m beginning to understand why I’ve had issues with certain people over the years when they show complete lack of respect for anyone’s property.

100% agree. "I can do what I want and fuck the rest of you cunts" seems to be the motto.

In some cases it is deliberate selfishness, in others it is a lack of common sense and awareness. Either way the root is poor manners. Manners mean being considerate of others and thinking about how your behaviour might cause problems, without having to be asked to turn the music down.

I've seen both sides of disputes.

We've had horrendous neighbours. One who built an extension IN our garden. We came home to discover scaffolding right across our garden and our border trees all cut down.

When we went to complain, the neighbour slammed the door in our faces. Anyway, I was surprised how powerless we were even though it was trespass. Council weren't interested, nor were police and solicitor told us it could cost us tens of thousands to fight. They eventually built their extension and it is over our land (about half a foot over the border). It was years ago but still is horrible to see and has affected our house price, nearly all estate agents commented on it when we had our house valued recently.

This was a blatant case of inconsiderate neighbours (to say the least) but I've also seen over zealous neighbours too.

Yesterday we were walking around my MILs flat gardens and we waited in one area for just 3 minutes whilst my toddler daughter was adjusting her balance bike. Along comes the neighbourhood Inquisition declaring we have sinned for daring to stop on the grounds. We point out we are visiting family but Chief Priest is having none of it and continues to shout abuse. This is for stopping for 3 minutes.

I don't know what the answer is tbh. In one hand you have inconsideration to the point of illegality and on the other hand someone losing it for a 3 minute wait.

Maybe a bit more understanding and compromise would go a long way. But sometimes people are just miles away...

When we were kids we were allowed to play out but not to scream and shout constantly, I think this has changed. I'm not saying kids shouldn't play out, but there should be consideration for others.

@TotorosFurryBehind

When we were kids we were allowed to play out but not to scream and shout constantly, I think this has changed. I'm not saying kids shouldn't play out, but there should be consideration for others.

Everyone thinks that they played very quietly as children, that they respected authority, etc, etc. If you asked those children that you think are making too much noise odds are that they'd tell you that their parents are always telling them off, that they never get to do what they want... A child's perception of how perfectly behaved they are isn't 100% reliable.

I do also think that it's partially that decades ago children were expected to go 'away' during the days and that's not normal any more, so children used to behave just as antisocially but without bothering their own parents and neighbours...

We point out we are visiting family but Chief Priest is having none of it and continues to shout abuse. This is for stopping for 3 minutes.

That is awful! See that shows poor manners to start shouting at people. He should have started with hello and if you were okay.

An example from right now from my neighbour. He doesn't want to pay for old fencing to be removed, so is currently burning it. I have my white bedding on the line and another in the machine almost ready to hang out.
My kitchen has been ripped out, works starts tomorrow. Last day to get as much washed and dried

Yes definitely compromise is the keyword!

I think I should have titled it most rather than all

You’re right some situations it’s not about manners But lack of compromise but again isn’t this showing lack of consideration too? E.g. garden issues, kids have every right to play in garden they should not be stopped. But I’ve had myself the neighbours kids throwing food and wrappers in my garden whilst I’ve sat there! That to me is lack of parents manners in teaching their kids not to do. I wouldn’t want the kids to stop playing but just stop throwing things. It makes me hyper alert to everything else they doing.

@Hardbackwriter
I live beside children who scream I'm not talking about shrieks and squeals of joy but pure screaming as in who can scream the loudest and longest, these games can go on for hours to the point that they should have lost their voices. Everyone is the street and the one behind have complained and what do we get "my kids can play in the garden if they want ".
Having spoken to friends and read many threads about similar issues i really don't think that its people complaining about normal kids noise but truly intolerable unnecessary screaming that the parents either tune out or don't care

That's sometimes true but we've had experienced with our neighbour that she knitpicks on things we do. We've got 3 boys so they are loud at times but only when they are playing. I used to let them have a 15 minute play in the garden between 8.15 and 8.30 before the school run. My neihhbour complained that this "woke her up " and could they not be allowed out before 9am on a weekday. So basically no time before school. I said no sorry they need to burn off some energy they are active boys and you have the rest of the day to enjoy your garden in peace. She was furious that I wouldn't do what she wanted. Who was in the wrong here then? Was it my lack of manners or was she unwilling to tolerate others.

This wasn't loud screaming or anything just normal kida noise.

8:15 is very early! Did you consider maybe your neighbour is ill or had a new baby or anything that means she may need a lie in during the week?

My neighbours kids would be out at 8am on the dot everyday even on Weekends! The trampoline noise was horrendous as right under my bedroom window. I would be awake with newborn all night and get woken up and not able to sleep. I never said anything cod kids need to play but would stew quietly and think what inconsiderate scum my neighbours are!

my comments were directed at @Spinakker

LAck of manners and selfishness are the root of many neighbours problems, my neighbour is quiet but he insists on parking his van right on the boundary meaning I have to drive forward to angle my car to get it out of my drive, I spoke to him last week about it and asked if he could move van forward slightly, he agreed and it lasted 2 days!

No that’s not behind every neighbour problem.

I have a neighbour who I’m guessing is mentally unwell. The things she’s gone to the police with are simply untrue. We all know to not engage and stay well away, but it could easily escalate to a massive dispute.

The bigger disputes you see on here have one side acting beyond what a normal reaction would be, so I suspect our situation isn’t unusual.

@2pinkginsplease keep reminding him! The thing is he might not be inconsiderate, he might just have other things on his mind. I’ve been there, I’ve been going through things and forget I promised to do something. As you said he’s quiet so maybe lots going on in his mind and bottling up! Try to think what others are feeling or going through

True but we also need to understand that we all need to have give and take eg having music on in the garden or a party is ok now and again, if you want silence live in the country. Don't go and complain unless it's frequent

True but we also need to understand that we all need to have give and take eg having music on in the garden or a party is ok now and again, if you want silence live in the country. Don't go and complain unless it's frequent

I have a neighbour who I’m guessing is mentally unwell. The things she’s gone to the police with are simply untrue. We all know to not engage and stay well away, but it could easily escalate to a massive dispute.

That must be really scary for you all. It’s hard isn’t it, you want to feel sorry for the person but also not nice when they make untrue remarks!

Yeah @okiedokieme it’s unrealistic to expect complete silence. Especially in London where we practically live on each other! I think common sense and Compromising is the Key again

I had a roommate once who refused to inconvenience herself or moderate her own behaviour to benefit anyone else.

It absolutely went back to her childhood. Her parents had treated her like royalty, never letting her suffer or fail. She never did any chores or responsibilities. Even as an adult, while working a professional job, she was constantly calling her mum to sort stuff out for her.

I'd argue that its also down to people not having conflict resolution skills. So a simple request turns into a massive thing when a neighbour may not even be aware that there is a problem. Also people not understanding that a request is not a personal attack.

I think it is behind a lot of problems with neighbours.

We live in an end of terrace house with paper thin walls and our neighbours are extremely loud. Very loud downstairs telly with some kind of sound bar so we hear lots of bass. Very loud telly in their bedroom which is next to ours so getting to sleep is difficult. Oh and very loud music! We have spoken to them and asked them politely to turn music down etc which to be fair they have done...until the next time! I always wondered if they just genuinely didn’t give a thought to how their noise might affect others or if they did think about it but then did it anyway.

Well I got my answer. They were in next door but ones garden, music horrendously loud (this is common from next door but one they seem to love a garden party) and all shouting over it - I heard him (immediate neighbour) say “I have my music blaring out at 2 in the morning and I think to myself if the neighbours can hear it they can just come and knock on the door can’t they?”.
Well how lovely. I’ll just come round at 2am and knock whilst standing in my nightdress shall I? Because you’re ‘blaring’ out your music. So he knows exactly what he’s doing.

I’m not perfect but I always try to think about how my actions may affect others.