To think my therapist isn't doing her job properly?

[FrustratedClient]

Hi all,

I've NC for this as obviously don't want to reveal too much in conjunction with my day-to-day posts on this site.

I've started seeing a new therapist, we've had a few sessions so far but she isn't really living up to my expectations.

The key issues I've sought therapy for are around anxiety, self-esteem etc. but she is fixated on discussing my relationships/sex life (or rather lack of) and her interest in this aspect of my life seems to convey she thinks this is my main problem I need help with even though I didn't really seek therapy for this matter. When I try to discuss other issues I have she will listen briefly but then turns the topic back to relationships.

As she is a private therapist I feel quite annoyed about this and like I'm not really getting my money's worth as I'm discussing things that aren't that important to me compared to the bigger problems I'm facing at the moment and those issues I specifically sought help for are going unresolved.

Is this normal in therapy or should I be able to set the agenda more? Another thing that is bothering me if she seems to forget a lot of what we've discussed previously and I find myself recapping frequently. I know therapists have a large caseload of clients but I've had therapy previously and my former therapist was really good at remembering things about me and my life even down to the finer details.

Any advice would be appreciated as I'm not sure if I'm BU or not by being frustrated around her therapeutic approach and poor recall.

Sorry your therapy is not going well.

If you don't click with a therapist,you should seek someone else. You are paying for the service and you can change. You don't need to explain yourself.

They may have good reason to be returning to the relationship theme or they may just be a bad therapist - your gut instinct is important.

You don't have to carry on with the same person. If you go to another and they focus on the same issue though - you should consider why as they may see something you don't.

In my experience it takes a while to get used to a new therapist, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't address your concerns. Have you tried asking her about her techniques, and telling her that you want help with specific issues? It can feel hard to question your therapist (in my experience anyway!) but is important if you aren't happy with how it's going. If she's ignoring you or not willing to discuss it then I would change therapist immediately.

Just find someone else.

Ps I wouldn't like the poor recall either. Every therapist I've had makes notes. Having to repeat details often would make me feel like she didn't care.

A few sessions is enough to find a new one. And as much of an incredibly difficult thing you’ll feel it is to do, write an email to say “thanks for the sessions but I won’t be back again, wishing you well”.

If she asks why just say “I didn’t feel we gelled, nothing personal, just one of those things”.

If she’s worth her salt she’ll get it.

I think a few sessions is more than enough for you to judge whether something is going to work or not - I've seen a number of different therapists at times and always been able to focus the discussion and they've respected when I said that I didn't want to talk about something. I did it only the other day - at the end of the day, it's a service that you're paying for and you should feel like you're in control. The poor recall would drive me potty too!

@labyrinthloafter @partofyoupoursoutofme

Thank you both for your responses.

If I was in an unhappy/abusive relationship or something like that I would understand her wanting to explore this as a priority but I'm single and haven't dated anyone for a long time. This is probably mostly due to my mental health/idiosyncrasies but it is not something I'm massively bothered about.

I have been very open about the issues I want to discuss and what I feel is holding me back in life at the moment in terms of my MH but she just humours me briefly then says something to the effect of 'Should we pick up where we left off last time...' then gets me back into talking about my past relationships and why I'm single.

I am reluctant to challenge her because it just feels awkward now like I should've said something a few sessions' ago and also because she is the 'expert', so to speak. I'm not very assertive anyway which is another reason I sought therapy to get some insight/help with this so to be honest, don't feel equipped to challenge her on this as pathetic as it sounds!

And yes, the poor recall is equally as annoying because I find myself having to say things like "I think I mentioned it last time but..." (even though I KNOW I've mentioned it last time!) and also having to correct her about key details I've told her about several times previously. It does make me feel totally irrelevant in my own therapy session to be honest which isn't a nice feeling. As I said, I know many therapists have many (probably too many) clients but if you are getting to the point where you don't remember simple things about your clients then you need to stop taking on new clients in my opinion or start documenting things properly at least. She has taken about one note in the 4 or 5 sessions we've had.

I agree with PP that you can just email her and say you're not coming back - you might have to pay for a session's notice. I've done that several times because I've never really wanted a discussion with a therapist as to why I didn't want to see them.

@mynameiscalypso

I'm interested in how they took it? Did they push for a final 'closure' session or probe you further about your concerns, if they replied at all that is? I've not had to do this before so just curious as I'm awkward about terminating relationships also.

Yeah she needs to remember what you already discussed! That's pretty poor. If it's not working for you and it's private, find another therapist and explain what happened this time and why it didn't work for you and explain what you think would be helpful.

As others have said I would stop seeing this therapist and try another who suits your needs. This one sounds incompetent in my view, she doesn’t concentrate on the areas you have identified and she doesn’t take notes. The fact you have to keep repeating yourself is really bad and wasting valuable time. You are certainly not getting value for money or indeed anything positive from this therapist.
Also if she’s pushes you wanting to know why you are leaving I would use the opportunity to be honest, she might actually learn something although I doubt it sadly judging by the way she keeps repeating the same things!
Good luck OP, therapy should work for you and you have every right to seek out the kind of therapy you need.

@FrustratedClient It was slightly different situations each time for various reasons which are too boring to go into! One just acknowledged it and didn't push, one acknowledged it but then also moaned about it, one wanted to try and talk to 'repair the therapeutic relationship' after she fucked up but I said I wasn't interested. I generally kept my emails quite business like and made it clear that I didn't want to discuss anything further - they can't force you to come to another session or talk about your reasons if you don't want to. Particularly if it had only been a few sessions, it's not like you need a massive song and dance to get 'closure'. I did go on to sue one of them but that's a whole different story...😂

She sounds like a very odd therapist. Is she qualified? Regardless, you are paying for a service and if you’re not getting what you need you are perfectly entitled to go elsewhere. You won’t be the first person to have dome it.

Definitely find someone else! I know low self esteem can make you doubt your feelings and thoughts so this is what I would do:

1. email her to cancel future sessions (not call) give any reason you feel comfortable with.
2. write down counselling goals
3. find a therapist who can help you meet the goals - discuss on initial meeting.

I saw a councellor when my eldest was born and carried in for full 6 sessions as I felt bad for cancelling on her! It was a waste of one hour every bloody week. She was appalling too, she would keep looking at the clock behind me, she would yawn and smirk a lot! She was apparently a higher end councellor (a dr. Rather than just normal councellor). After 3 months I went back and saw another councellor she was lovely! I was so happy with her she really helped me and I looked forward to her sessions rather than dread and feel bad after.

I’ve had a few therapists in my time and I do feel you have to find one you’re compatible with otherwise it’s just useless.

You know she's rubbish. Switch therapists. You won't ever feel better handing over loads of cash each week to someone who doesn't listen, doesn't remember you and won't give your key issues priority.

It sounds like she's ignoring you. That's pretty rubbish! Like pp say, just email her to cancel - you don't owe an explanation if you don't want to give one. Then find a new therapist who you click with and set goals together, don't be afraid to seek out a few. Good luck xx

OP I'd say find someone else. There may be a good reason for the relationship thing (for me my self esteem etc has an impact on my relationships ) but she should let you talk about what you like. In my sessions I'll often start with something random such as being pissed off at mam or anxious with my landlady, and she'll go with ot and well delve really deep
But the thing that's jumping out on me is she doesnt remember previous stuff which she absolutely should. My therapist is amazing, I feel safe and shes kind. That doesnt mean it's all nice stuff as she will challenge me or disagree with me, and large part of that is remembering my backstory. For eg if I say I'm fine and dont need NA anymore shell question how only a few weeks back I considered going to a dealers for drugs.
Were close and our relationship is brill. I feel like she really listens to and respects me, the first person who really has. If she couldn't remember previous stuff thatd ruin it. And caseloads shouldn't matter
She should keep her caseload manageable and build a good relationship with people, or have a smaller caseload

I'm wondering two things:

As a private therapist is she trained to the standards you'd get in the NHS? Lots of people can legally call themselves a therapist but therapists working privately cast their nets widely beyond the areas about which they are knowledgeable and so aren't adequately trained to address the issues sometimes.

Is she shoe horning you in to her area of expertise? If so that's dishonest.

I agree with PP, when paying privately you should feel within a couple of sessions a reasonable degree of trust that your therapist understands what you want to address and is focused on that with a reasonable degree of ability, and if they are not focusing on your stated problem area then they should have had an honest and open conversation with you about why this is so that you can think about whether you agree and wish to proceed.

Just let her know you won't be returning and if she pushes for a final session let her know you don't require this and won't be back. I think if she asks for your reason it would be really helpful feedback for her to know the truth, that you felt she wasn't focusing on your stated area of need and didn't recall things you'd already told her.