Ex DH and child access. AIBU?

[LancesGold]

Short version. DH moved out nearly eight months ago. We have two small DC. Lots of metal health problems. He has taken an OD since and recently being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He hasn’t seen our DC for over a month due to his violent and aggressive behaviour when visiting them in their home. Last time he screamed at me in front of them, then punched and broke my stair rail.

He’s been off sick from work, but is now back and feeling a bit better. I’ve barely spoken to him in the past month and tbh feel so much better for not having had contact with him.

He rang me last night and asked if he could come round the house tomorrow night after work and see the DC. I do not want him in my house. I don’t trust him, and quite frankly I’m angry he would even ask to see them here after the way he has behaved towards us on his last visits.

We ended up having a row and now all the work I’ve done to feel better about myself the past month is back to square one. AIBU to not let him visit them here? He has no family or friends here that would oversee him visiting them elsewhere. I genuinely don’t know what to do about the situation.

I think you need to get legal help. He has a right to see his children but this does not mean in their home.

Was the incident logged with the police? I’d consider contacting social services for advice about supervised access if there are no other family or friends that could facilitate. It’s classed as abuse to witness domestic violence and hitting inanimate objects and shouting definitely is dv.

The thing is I don’t actually think he would start court proceedings etc. He’s too lazy for a start. I just think he’ll happily keep asking me to facilitate contact and then getting abusive at me when I refuse.

I actually don’t feel it’s in the DC best interests to see him. He’s weirdly detached from them, short tempered, spends more time looking at his phone than at them. If he was actually a decent dad to them It wouldn’t be so bad. Of course legally I realise it doesn’t work like that...

No it wasn’t logged with police. I’ve discussed the facts with his mental health team though while supporting him with his treatment, so people are aware.

I’m scared it will reflect badly on me if I ring SS. I’m not sure if it will put me on their radar if that makes sense?

Legally no but it is the child’s right to have access to a parent not the parents right to have access to the child. If he is not bringing anything positive to the relationship I can understand why you don’t feel it’s in their best interests. Would you consider discussing the situation with social services? Do you have any written evidence of abusive or threatening behaviour such as texts or emails?

I had social services input for a very similar issue, they assessed my ex and liaised with his mental health team. The outcome was they recommended supervised access only. Dd was 2 at the time. They came to the house once to ‘assess’ her at home. That was a chat and a cup of tea, after they had finished their assessments they got me in contact with the local contact centre and discharged the case. But I have a written report that states my ex is in their opinion a risk to dd and that he should not see her unsupervised. If he had ever bothered to go to court (he didn’t) then that would have carried some weight.

@Zofloramummy that is really interesting. Thank you for that. Did your ex take up the supervised contact in the end?

I don’t have any records. He’s not the abusive texting type. It’s more an explosion of anger face to face that then quickly dies down and leads to remorse. He terrified our children the last few times he was in this house though and it is never happening again.

I could perhaps discuss SS with him? I don’t want to be painted as the horrible ex who is stopping him seeing his children. They barely know who he is anyway now tbh. They are so little and he’s barely seen them since he moved out...

I would get back in touch with his mental health team and explain your fears and see what they suggest. It might result in a discussion with social services but as you have done the right thing in protecting your dc I imagine that they will be supportive. His mental health team will also have a view about whether he is well enough to see the children unsupervised, not just whether he thinks he is. Do you have any of your own family who might be willing to supervise if that is seen to be in the children's best interests?

I didn’t go down the contact centre route in the end, my parents volunteered to supervise the visits. SS recommended 4 hours weekly. In reality it’s 4 hrs in 4 week blocks because of his shift pattern at work. So 4 weeks of Saturday visits and 4 weeks off. They usually occur at my parents house but sometimes they’ll meet at the zoo or national trust place. I don’t have any contact with him now it’s all done through my mum. If mum thought he wasn’t paying her attention or that she wasn’t benefiting from the contact she would tell me and we’d stop it. It’s been 7 years now and it’s worked well. He has done a lot of work on himself and is invested in being a decent father (within the limitations). Possibly in your case he may not be prepared to do the extra effort required to stick to a regular schedule and bring activities to do and you might find it tails off.

@TW2013 I have his care coordinators number so I might ring her for a chat. I suppose if SS did get involved I will be viewed as having taken the right steps to protect DC.

I’m just so angry that he thinks he can just ask to come back into their house! It is literally always the path of least effort for him.

None of my family would agree to supervise. They are all of the opinion that the children are better off not seeing him. Hell, even his own mother thinks he shouldn’t see them!

@Zofloramummy So glad it worked out well and your parents sound amazing

The chances of my ex thinking up activities etc. is approximately zero. I mentioned to him last night about his weird way of treating DC having a negative effect on them. Apparently there’s nothing wrong with the way he treats them and it’s all me expecting things to always go the way I want them

He has no insight into his behaviour at all and that is what worries me the most in relation to DC.

The allegations you are making against you ex would be examined in the family court if her heads there for child contact orders
Until then they are counted only as allegations
Your kids have a right to see their father.

I’d speak to social services about your concerns and get their advice.
He may have a friend or relative that they would find acceptable from supervised contact
Or let him use their office or contact centre until he is mentally a bit more stable and better able to parent

It’s possible that social services may agree that it isn’t in their best interests. I remember the social worker saying that they weren’t at all worried about dd precisely because I was obviously seeking help to ensure that her needs and safety were protected. They’d have been more concerned if I hadn’t sought any outside help as that meant I wasn’t putting her needs first.

@RonaldMcDonald his family are all in a different part of the country and he has no real friends here either.

I’ve mentioned a contact centre before and he went mad with me.

He won’t go to court. Too much effort.

I think I’ll speak to his care coordinator first and take it from there.

Yes the children have a right to see their father.

They also have the right not to be abused, and witnessing shouting and hitting things in their home is abuse.

That’s why I think social services should be involved to look at what is in their best interests. This isn’t a legal situation at the moment and if it can be resolved without going down that path then that’s better for everyone (and frankly family courts make some questionable decisions at times).

Oh and he’s never really parented them. Not even before he got so ill. He’s a very poor dad and nearly everyone who has seen him with them agrees (including his own family!)

Think I will definitely seek advice from mental health team and SS.

I don’t even know if he’ll want to see them in a contact centre etc. When I mentioned it before he said no way!

Well you have no obligation to let him into your home if he is going to behave in that way. So if he wants to see his children he will need to compromise to protect them and you from his poor behaviour and violence. It’s his choice really, you aren’t stopping him from having contact your just trying to make it a safe, positive experience for your dc.

The thing is your making allegations about his behaviour to his care coordinator leaves them as exactly that.
I’m unsure how his MH Care coordinator can talk to you about his care or take your words as anything other than opinion - you are an ex partner alleging abuse which I’d suppose he denies?
You could simply be saying anything to prevent him seeing the children.

If you don’t want him coming to the house or having the children wherever he wants them or at his house you might need to speak to a solicitor and social services to allow them to help him arrange contact elsewhere

Then it is up to him to go or not
Social services may not feel it is worrying enough to get involved
A solicitor can help sort out child contact simply

Also there is the issue of his mental stability and whether he is able to safely care for the dc during access. That isn’t an allegation, it’s a genuine concern about his mental health and ability to parent. I think Ronald is right that his care coordinator will be unable to share any information with you due to confidentiality, however they maybe be able to discuss with another professional body (SS).

Might be worth your while speaking to your local DV team. Mental health or not, you should have logged this with the police.

It’s not me making fresh allegations to his MHT though. They are already aware he doesn’t see the D.C. at present due to his behaviour. I’ve discussed it with his care coordinator myself because ex DH wanted me to be involved in his care.

I probably should have logged it but at the times ex was good at making me think I was overreacting.

Was the incident logged with the police? I’d consider contacting social services for advice about supervised access if there are no other family or friends that could facilitate

My friend has had ongoing mental health issues due to past abuse. She tried to commit suicide a few weeks ago and social services advised the children go and live with their dad and she is now only allowed supervised access as her mental health is so delicate ( none of this is court ordered it was all advised )

Not because they think she is a bad parent but because they are worried about her mental health effecting the children

My ex had contact supervised by a social worker for a period this moved on to a dads group then a contact centre after all this went well for a period ( about 18 mths in total) contact was unsupervised for short periods to do an activity in a public area such as swimming, softplay, cinema. Only after that did it go into ex's home (dc would be about 5 by then). On the whole this went well but dc did not wish to go for more than one night at a time and I had to reduce contact due to ex mental health on a few occasions. At no point did I have contact at my home and I stopped having pick up or drop offs at my home ( used childminder, school, bus stops etc). I also never relied on ex for childcare, I always had a back op eg. paid for childminder if e. meant to have dc after school. It was a lot of effort on my behave but I'm glad I did it as dc enjoyed seeing their father - which was why I facilitated it as best and safely as I could. Ex later died due to his mental health and I'm glad I made so much effort for several years but also relieved when he died. Contact is difficult and it will be you who is expected to make it safe, I took it very slowly which ex grudgingly agreed to but that was only because of the legal order that was in place at the start and he knew I was in charge which removing away from my home ( and not me supervising) helped enormously.

I wouldn't let me. The only way he would see them is supervised at an access centre if it was me. X